Hello, my dear reader! I am not as sad as I was earlier about Fred, but I’m still upset. I almost feel like I should be more sorrowful. However, I feel at peace with Fred’s passing and plan on naming my next cat Fred in loving memory. It’s sort of morbid, yes, but what else do you expect from me?
Let me start off just saying that I love learning. It is my number one favourite thing in the whole wide world. I started reading when I was 2-3, read my first chapter book in kindergarten, my first ‘real chapter book’ (Goosebumps) when I was in 1st grade. I had a post-college graduate reading level since 5th or 6th grade. I remember telling teachers that their subject was boring as I already knew all they were teaching, so much so that I ended up in advanced classes that bored me too.
I was such a little shit. I started numbers as soon as I could manage. I hated numbers. Still don’t like numbers. I feel completely stupid in numbers. I’m actually above the average for my age when it comes to maths. Why am I above average when it comes to maths? Because I tend to remember weird things, and one of those weird things is this thing where I tend to remember a lot of what I’ve read. Once I figured out that maths was a different language than English, I did a lot better.
Why am I telling you lot this? Well, today, as I was studying my Japanese, I came to a section that was a more complicated sentence structure study of grammar. If that makes sense. I hope I make sense. I tend to talk a bit weird after I stop studying my Japanese. Anyways, this particular bit was the most challenging bit that I’ve come across since I got the hang of Kanji. By the way, fuck Kanji. I fucking hate Kanji. It’s so much fun.
So, this bit was challenging. It was challenging in the way Charon and ToadieOdie tend to challenge me. It made me actually think. Now, to be completely egotistical, I am a smart person. I also tend to believe that everyone else thinks the same as me, so when I come across people who don’t know what I know, I label them as stupid and it gets so frustrating thinking like that. It’s judgemental. Back on track here…
I miss being challenged like that. I miss having to actually focus on what I’m doing, to feel like I’m getting a great mental workout with something that follows real rules and structure and laws. Anytime I’ve been challenged lately, I’ve been asked to come up with my own reasons and logic for things. It’s less of an external challenge and more like an internal challenge, if that makes sense. There’s no real right or wrong answers if you are digging deep inside yourself, but it’s still a challenge.
I love a good challenge. I love things that make me go ‘huh’ and ‘ano’ and ‘eto’. I hate it too. But I love the learning bit. Why? Why is any of this relevant? Because I figured out why I hated when Charon asked me what I wanted to do. It wasn’t something I could find out just by researching on the internet or going to the library or picking up a book. It was the sort of challenging thing that I could only answer and it would be sort of pointless to cheat and lie about.
How do I learn? That is the first question. What is the first step towards being able to learn? Well, I figured I have to learn to be more Zen, to have a certain sort of Zenitude so I could avoid disregarding information or people that I viewed as unimportant or boring or irrelevant. Or that I just didn’t want to know. How do I gain such a Zenitude?
Avoid Avoiding. All my what. It makes sense, if you think about it. Avoid avoiding the questions and the things that you have to do in order to start something new. Stop pretending that you can skip the nitty gritty bits of something and get straight to the juicy center of knowledge. I didn’t learn to Algebra just by opening a book and suddenly I knew it. I’m not some sort of maths genius. It took time learning addition, subtraction, division, multiplication, all that not so fun stuff to get to the fun stuff. It takes patience.
My number one enemy and roadblock to being patient is my Willfulness. I want it and I want it now, fuck waiting, fuck trying to slowly build up to the point where I can read and write and speak and listen Japanese. I want to just know, like I was some sort of computer getting a software update. Various Gods damn it, Sarcastic Autist-kun, life doesn’t work that way! You have to be a seed before you can be a tree! Be Willing to be Patient!
Avoid Avoiding, Be Willing, Stop being such a stubborn little shit! You can do this! I believe in you! Neko-chan probably believes in you! Do it for Fred! Poor Fred had such a short life, a sad life, full of suffering. Live Your Own Life More Worth Living for Fred’s sake! Learn all you can, learn what Fred couldn’t! If that’s what will keep you going, do that!
Also, really, just stop being such a Willful little turd. I know I argue just for the sake of arguing sometimes. I think it’s fun. It’s not fun for the other person. Theory of Mind deficiency and all that. The other person probably just thinks you are being a jack-off. Stop being a jack-off. Be the Zen. Learn to be better. Don’t just do better, be better.
Okay, I think I need to take a moment to relax and calm down. I can’t be all hyper like this right before bed.
Good luck! This is a never-ending journey! Yay for learning!
-The Sarcastic Autist
PS, yes, that was me arguing with myself and talking to myself, I do that sometimes. Perfectly normal.