Good evening, my friends. Today has been long. A little stressful, but nothing too hard. I am sitting here and Neko-chan is begging for more treats even though she knows she already had extra because I had abandoned her for so long so she won’t be getting more. Also, I am upset because I may be getting a UTI and if I’m getting a UTI, that means I have to go on another round of antibiotics and probiotics and probiotics make me poop a lot and antibiotics throw me off my groove. However, I got a chicken sticker so I think it all evens out somehow. Chickens are my favourite.
Oh! I got 3 new shirts and a new pair of pants. I am officially a size 12! My highest size ever was a 26! I was a size 12 in high school! I’m so excited! I can shop anywhere! Except for Lane Bryant. I refuse to shop there. Oh, and Catherine’s, but Catherine’s never had my size anyway. I think. I don’t know. I won’t shop at those places. It drove my ex crazy. I got a couple new notebooks and I got some folders and a Frozen notebook with Elsa on the front. I fucking love Frozen. I’m listening to Let It Go right now.
So, what is today’s random rant? Well, besides being a long fucking day, I am proud of myself. I didn’t shut down or have a melt down or anything. I stayed mostly verbal. At one point my pencil fell on the floor and so, since it was dirty, I got upset because that was my oral fix. I stuck a finger in my mouth instead. Because my hands were obviously so much cleaner than a pencil that fell on the floor. I don’t have good logic all the time.
I meant to dye my hair black and it came out more midnight-blue. I’m not that upset about it. It’s just hair. I did talk to Okaasan about this thing that’s been bothering me since Wednesday. The remembering where I learned random words thing. It’s normally something that involves books, except when I learned the word ’emergency’. It was on a field trip in kindergarten. She said that could be considered a sort of savant skill. I disagree. It’s just a weird memory thing.
Let’s talk about something that truly causes me great shame. I can’t recall if I ever mentioned it, but I have Trichotillomania. It got tons better when I shaved off all my hair. And now, because of the stress with having to listen to what Argon put in the report (hasn’t happened yet, it will on the 13th), dealing with that Racist Old Guy, Neko-chan has her yearly this month, and the fact that I finally got my social security card in the mail so I am trying to look at jobs, I’m very stressed and so I’ve been pulling out my eyebrows. My eyebrows are the one thing I don’t shave or wax. I pluck them to keep them in shape because I was teased and bullied about the bushiness of them before, but they are pretty much the only hair I can pull out with my fingers. I had to buy a mascara to use on them, the Tricho has been getting so bad. I want to talk to Charon about it, but I don’t see her until 12th.
I’ve also been having nightmares. I’d call them night terrors, these dreams where not even killing myself frees me of them. Did I ever mention that before? That, in order to wake myself up from a nightmare, I have to kill myself or let myself get killed? I don’t know why, but it’s sort of terrifying. I’m afraid that real life will get super scary and I’ll think it’s a nightmare and I’ll die. Nightmares about my ex, nightmares about that one dick and all the others.
My point is that my day-to-day basics needs aren’t being met. My need for sleep that isn’t interrupted by nightmares. My need for more than 1000 calories of food a day. And my need to not fucking pick at my motherfucking eyebrows. I need to focus on meeting this needs so I can move on and focus on my inner needs. In a way. I guess. I don’t know, I’m exhausted.
I need a hug.
-The Sarcastic Autist