Merry meet, my dear friends! I haven’t taken my shower yet, so I feel sort of gross and weird, but I feel sadness for my godmother that I wanted to share and explain my reasonings behind this emotion.
She wanted to know if I was interested in going to church tomorrow because she’s not sure if she wanted to go or not. For the record, she ended up saying that she wasn’t going. It bothers me a little because she said she found these other people outside church that think like her and she likes sharing and doing church stuff with them.
I have no issue with that. I think everyone should be able to share stuff with the like-minded. But she has this thing where she’s right all the time and therefore other viewpoints are stupid and of the devil. She refuses to look or even acknowledge that other perspectives exist and may be more true than hers. I’m scared that she’ll become intolerable with it. If she’s hanging around only like-minded people, she will not be challenged in ways she needs to be. Why does she need to be challenged? Because she’s an idiot.
I say that in the way I call pretty much everyone an idiot. Because we are all idiots in the same way we are all geniuses. I am an idiot too. There’s no shame in it. To me, it’s simple fact. There’s ways we can all learn and grow so we’re less idiotic. But she’s not going to be able to do that if she doesn’t allow herself to be challenged.
I know this is her issue, but the way she wrote it made my heart hurt. The only value I can really hold true to my heart and soul is that learning is the key to being alive. She doesn’t want to learn. She’s sort of a narcissistic and inauthentic person. I say that with love. She says she loves to learn and stuff, but then she shoots down any new material. It’s hard for me to say things like that because I love her and I want to be a good kid. But at the same time, I’m not a kid anymore.
I’m not someone who can tolerate being unwilling to learn. I’ll admit that I’m very willful and that I don’t always want to learn, but at least I listen. She doesn’t always listen to me. She says “yes, but” and then goes off on all the ways that she totally listened, none of which have anything to do what I actually said. It makes me sad.
It makes me sad because I realize that I’m not the person she wants me to be. I don’t blindly follow her and I’m afraid to bring up anything spiritual because she’ll go off on how my beliefs are Satanic and I’m going to hell and that I need to pray and all this stuff. Don’t get me wrong, she can be a lovely person. It’s her stagnant ways that get to me.
I feel like this relationship is toxic because she doesn’t listen to me. I try to put up clear boundaries. I try and get her to not treat me like a kid. I try and explain that I’ve grown up a lot and I’m able to sort-of care for myself. She then goes on to say these things that I absolutely have to do because of trauma and shit, like EMDR therapy. I don’t like EMDR. I told her that and she got very stubborn and cross with me.
I just want her to be herself and she’s always taking stuff I say and using it for herself and she says that since she and I were both abused that we know stuff others don’t and that makes us wise and shit. No. Being abused doesn’t make me wise. Being wise is knowing that I can’t change what happened, I can only grow and learn from it and not be like the abusers were. Being wise, to me, is letting others talk and give helpful suggestions or just lending an ear. It means taking a middle path and realizing that there is no true right or wrong. To me, being wise is about saying no and meaning it and being able to stand firm on that no. Being wise is saying yes and not backing out of that yes, even though I’m terrified. It’s keeping promises and learning and loving and being honest with people.
There’s all sorts of ways to be wise. I haven’t even listed a fraction of them. None of any of the things I can think of applies to her. And that makes me sad. It makes me sad that she projects her insecurities and tries to shield me from things that I don’t need shielding from, or that she insists she’s one way but then is super hypocritical about it.
I don’t consider myself a wise person. I don’t really consider myself a good person, or a kind person, or a loving person. I don’t feel like I can, in good conscience, look at myself and give myself such labels without bias. I do what I feel needs doing, or that I feel like I want to. I like helping people because it makes me feel good inside. I will say that I’m a selfish person, a self-centered and judgemental person, a person with weird traits and silly fears. I’ve never really met someone that I’ve thought was wise that insisted they were wise, either. My godmother is someone I can’t consider wise. I can’t consider her bad person, or a mean person, or a hateful person. I do consider her to be quite delusional, sometimes, even though she’s done a lot for me and I love her.
I just hate the way she acts most of the time. It gives me similar feelings like that one racist old guy gave me. That feeling of grossness and being contaminated by hateful and ignorant words and emotions.
It makes me sad.
-The Sarcastic Autist