Tiny Troubles

Hello, everyone.  I’m afraid I don’t have much to talk about today.  I’ve started to write a book of sorts.  It’s more for reference for myself.  It’s definitely not something I’d ever aim to publish, except for on here.

I haven’t done my homework for DBT.  I’ve been fretting about whether or not we’re getting new people because Barbie left last week.  I don’t know what T-rex is up to, her insurance is being wonky because she just got a new job.  Eeyore is almost never there anymore due to recurring life issues.  Clueless (in reference to the movie, not because of her intellect) randomly skips.  And there’s another girl that never showed up except twice.  I think she’s been in the hospital.

I don’t really like meeting new people, but on the other hand, I really like meeting new people.  It’s taken me forever to open up in any shape or form during group so adding new people to the mix is making me want to withdraw again.

Since today was a holiday here in the States, I couldn’t see Charon to ask and it seems silly to call and ask via the crisis line.  I’m not in crisis.  I hate not seeing her this week.  She didn’t have any available times, which kind of sucks because I’m still sort of worried about reporting that racist old guy.  What if he finds out it was me?  I know, logically, that he won’t.  There is no way in hell they would tell him I called him out on his bullshit.

Another thing that’s been on my mind lately is my intense boredom during the day.  I finally started to work on creating that reference book for myself today, but I feel like I need something more.  I used to study my Japanese for 8-10 hours a day, and now I’m down to 2-3 because it’s no longer my TVP.  I’m still 100% into the Values thing and the reference book, I just have so many other worries on my mind.

Like, I’ve been having random little bleedings.  I’m not supposed to have random little bleedings because I can get a return of the Endometriosis and then I have to go through all that shit again and I don’t know what to do.  Should I ask if I can get a new IUD put it?  Should I insist on some sort of more permanent solution?  I already don’t want to have my own biological kids after seeing that one C-section video.  Holy shit, I can go on and on about how that baby looked like a little alien parasite thing and I’ve been having nightmares about getting pregnant now.

For the record, I still love children.  I think children are awesome.  I do not want a little alien parasite thing growing inside me.  I hate that idea so very much.  No.  No children from my body.  That is my choice and I’m sticking to it.  I applaud any woman strong enough to handle carrying one of those THINGS in their belly for 9-10 months, or however long the baby is in there.  Seriously, that video was horrifying.

I’ve also been struggling to stop calorie counting.  I still have 20lbs or so left to go, but I don’t like that I’m still obsessively weighing myself twice a day and constantly counting everything that I’m eating.  I’ve brought back Thor’s day, where it’s basically my cheat day, but then I counteract that on Fasting Fridays.  It’s ridiculous.  At this point, I don’t think I need inpatient treatment because I’m not purging or anything. It just bothers me that I’m still freaking out over the scale even though I weigh the same as I did going into high school.  I was a really fat kid though.

Let’s see, what else has been randomly on my mind that I feel hasn’t warranted its own post… Oh, there’s a huge book sale next month.  It’s a Schrodinger’s Drop Bear problem, in a way.  I love books and I normally don’t care about people in libraries, but when it comes to book stores, people tend to be more dickish, in my experience.  And this sale has every single book only being $2 and that’s fucking amazing.  I love books, so books aren’t the problem.  The problem is that I tend to get really overwhelmed with crowds of people.  I’m sort of worried that I’ll have a meltdown.  Do not want to have a meltdown.  I haven’t had one in a really really long time and I really don’t want one now because it’s sort of embarrassing.

It’s also the second season of thunderstorms where I live.  There’s always a bunch in the spring and then a bunch more in the fall.  Last night, I was awake for hours with the storm raging outside.  They scare me.  I tend to get very overwhelmed with my senses because of them.

Lastly, I suppose I should mention that I accidentally used the wrong dryer sheets a few weeks back when I was doing laundry.  I have random rashes and hives all over my body.  I have very sensitive skin.

Oh, as an add on to my eating disorder thing; if I eat throughout the day rather than do the intermittent fasting, I don’t have as many migraines.  I love that.

That’s it for now.  Be the Zen and all that.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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