Insecure and Stressed

So, I’m at a bit of a writer’s block today.  I can’t think of anything for my book, and really all I’m trying to do is describe how NOT to be willful, so that in the next big, I can describe how to be Willing, and all that.

I also couldn’t really think of a topic for today.  I am at 43 followers, the latest of which is a blog for people with Endometriosis.  I found that a bit odd because most of my followers are following me due to the Autism, DBT, or the “Life More Worth Living” parts.  So, whatever, okay.  I guess I can have a valid viewpoint on Endometriosis because I have had my right ovary removed due to it.

I’ve been feeling really insecure lately.  I want to do all these things that I don’t feel like I can really do.  I’m really fucking brilliant at reading and writing Japanese for how long I’ve studied it, but I still feel really stupid when I try to go beyond the Elementary level.  I can barely speak it.  How am I supposed to live in Japan if I can barely speak Japanese?  I know it’s not a requirement to living there, but it is a requirement if I ever want to get a job as a translator.  I’ve been studying for a year and I’ve only mastered JLPT N5.  Of course, I do mean mastered, as in I’ve memorised all the grammar and vocabulary and adjectives and adverbs and all that fun stuff.  I just thought I’d have mastered JLPT N4 by now too.  I need to be at least JLPT N2 in order to get a job translating.

I want to write that book for myself.  I can’t seem to sit long enough or focus long enough on it without feeling sad or upset that I’m so slow writing longhand, but if I try to type it up without a rough draft, it looks like the incoherent ramblings of an unmedicated paranoid schizophrenic, or something my Ex would say.  I also think that it’s sort of stupid and silly for me to even try writing because I could probably just buy books that would make more sense.  I’m sort of stupid right now.

And it seems that my Ex had unblocked me on Facebook, probably to stalk me a bit.  So I blocked her.  Because she has had multiple accounts, I’ve had to figure out how to block all of them and it’s been really trying on that end.  She doesn’t let shit go.  She also scares me.  On the other hand, she did tell me that I was going to end up fat and alone and that she hopes I kill myself, so there is that.  I just want to be left alone.  Honestly, I don’t reach out to her and I don’t care to.  Okay, it’s okay.  It’s just Drop Bears, right?

Well, I’m stressing out now.  I’m going to go try and relax a bit because I have group tomorrow and I’m 98% sure there’s new people. I also haven’t done the homework.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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4 thoughts on “Insecure and Stressed

  1. Writers write so… for your first draft of your book you just make yourself write like you do for your blog. Once your first draft is finished you then focus on the revision, editing, and polishing of that book. If you focus on making it perfect on the first go, it will never get written because writer’s block sucks like that. Why this is for books more often than blog posts I will never know, but it seems to be the way of it. I have too sword and sorcery fantasy novels that never got finished before graduating high school because of that. I’d get about half way and then say “This sucks!” and start over. Maybe someday I’ll actually start writing a fiction novel and allow myself to actually finish it.

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    • At this point I just want to get all my thoughts on the random subjects down. I just don’t feel like I know enough to actually write more than a paragraph or two. I mean, how do I not act Willful? Besides just not being a pain in the butt.

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      • I haven’t the foggiest… I just know that people keep telling me that I’m being willful a lot. Maybe stubborn? Argumentative? I don’t know. I know that being willful means that I don’t learn as much as I otherwise would, which is why I want to stop being willful, but I can’t stop something if I don’t know what I’m supposed to be stopping.

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