Greetings, fellow probably human people! I’m having pelvic pain and bleeding, which means I’m having what passes as Shark Week with my IUD. I am not supposed to be having pelvic pain and bleeding, which also means that I get to go to the doctor and get the pelvic pain and bleeding to stop. I also have to have a flu shot and I’m not happy about that either. Right now, I hate the world and want to set everything on fire. I need new underwear but I couldn’t find the woman kind I like at Big Bad Blue retailer and Okaasan wouldn’t let me hit up Friendly Fire-Engine Red retailer.
We also had to go to the drugstore because I needed my drugs. I picked up a box of probiotics because I want to see if that could help improve anything. I have this thing where, whenever I pick up a box or a bottle of something, I shake it. I screw up my face and shake that thing and I don’t know why. It makes me happy and I like the rattling noise, which is kind of weird because I hate baby rattles and all that stuff.
Anyway, a lady saw me rattling it and smiled at me and I smiled at her and I felt no shame for having shaken the shit out of that box of probiotics. Before, in the past, I would have felt great shame. I would have felt my cheeks burn and my breath would catch in my throat and all that fun stuff that comes with embarrassment, shame, and anxiety. I didn’t feel any of that. I just that “damn right, I shook that box. That box is dead now”. Then I paid for my things and left.
Honestly, I am noticing more and more patterns for myself. I used to not have that much self-awareness. I’m not as ashamed as I used to be when I first started noticing these things either. This is just part of my own body language and there’s nothing wrong with that. Other people have different body languages and fuck that noise. Oh my various heathen gods, I cannot read body language well.
But you know what I can read? Patterns. On Wednesday, I realized that I was noting the patterns of behaviour that the other people were doing. For example, Charon tries to act a little bit more reserved and put together doing group, however, she was all over the place. She later admitted to being excited about planning her first vacation in about 5 years. I can’t speak much for the other therapist that runs group because I don’t have much of an opinion on her. She exists. I neither like nor dislike her. I just have the vague feeling of indifference.
Going back on track, from what I can understand, body language is just patterns. I can totally do patterns. My day-to-day life is based on a semi-strict pattern of routines and schedules. Mondays are therapy, Wednesdays are group, I try to schedule psychiatriatry appointments Thursdays or Fridays, as well as doctor appointments, Saturdays are my Sabbath, and Sundays I’m at that lutheran church that I attend to give myself a sense of community.
Wake up, pee, weigh myself, get half-dressed and sleepily brush my teeth and make coffee. Put coffee in freezer and make more coffee. Wash face and finish getting dressed. Throw on a hoodie of some kind. Put on jewelry because the weight helps keep me grounded and mindful. Fix a cup of coffee and take meds and drink coffee and dork on the internets while listening to music. And so on and so forth. I do the same basic thing every single day.
I eat a shit ton of ramen because it’s easy to make and I can make it a wide variety of different ways. It’s all still ramen and I love ramen and I don’t mind trying new foods, I’m just stuck in the habit of eating ramen. I use the same brands of everything. I chew the same kind of gum (sour green apple). I use the same sort of razors and hair stuff and shirts and shoes and socks and pillows and notebooks and pens and pencils and fans and stuffies and water and I like to make everything colour coded. My socks are matched up to my underwear.
Patterns. Routines. Schedules. Same basic things, right? There’s nothing wrong with my patterns so long as my patterns don’t harm other people or myself. There’s nothing wrong with other people’s patterns so long as they don’t harm anyone. Body language is a pattern that I could probably figure out with a bit more effort.
I thought that was an interesting thing to share. On a more personal note, I keep having nightmares. Last night, I was first caught up in one involving Exacerbating Ex. She had somehow convinced me to go over to her place, but hadn’t told her neighbors that she invited me and then I had to sneak out to avoid getting yelled at by random people for stuff that she did but blamed on me. She also stole more shit and money from me and was generally a horrible person. After I woke up and somehow managed to fall back asleep, I had a dream about Bitch-Face. Now, Bitch-Face had been very physically and sexually abusive towards me. Exacerbating Ex was too, but Exacerbating Ex was more subtle about it. Bitch-Face was straight up a bitch. So the nightmare about Bitch-Face involved me running and hiding while being scared that she was going to find me and kill me. Neko-chan couldn’t wake me up. Or she wouldn’t. I did give her a bath yesterday.
I don’t like having nightmares and I hate that I was stuck in them. Normally I can wake up before they get too bad. I’m afraid to sleep most nights.
-The Sarcastic Autist