Guten tag, freunden. I’m feeling a bit better today, although not that much. I got a new notebook that has Elsa from Frozen on it and the words “keep calm and let it go” on it. I’m writing anything that I start to fixate on or that I don’t want to do or that I’m feeling negatively about. For example, Neko-chan has been nonstop bothering me tonight, so I’m going to write “cat harassing me” and then let it go. She’s bothering me. Let it go. It’s such a great idea and I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner.
So, there was group today. We talked about the “What” and “How” skills. Oh my gosh, the other therapist that runs the group with Charon was leading today. She is one of those people who really likes ‘participation’ and ‘example exercises’. I hate those. I hate those on a level that I can’t even begin to describe. I go to group to learn. I don’t go there for ‘participation’ and ‘example exercises’.
So, the What skills for Mindfulness. Basically, Observe, Describe, Participate. Observing, from what I understand, is like when you are watching a movie. You don’t think too much, right? Describe is when you start to say “oh, that dude jumped a car” in the movie. You can only Describe things that you can use your senses for. You can’t Describe thoughts or feelings of other people, but you can for yourself. Participate is being Mindful of the current moment and the current thing you are doing.
Of course, I’m supposed to remember that being Mindful is not forcing myself to think certain things or a certain way. Being Mindful is about attention. I can have thoughts like “I wish Adele would vanish into a black hole that’s on fire”, but I’m actually focused on writing my blog. I can still have those thoughts. My attention is on the task at hand, not on Adele’s fiery black hole death.
The How skills. Oh my various heathen gods. Nonjudgmentally, One-Mindfully, and Effectively are the named skills. Nonjudgmentally is stating the facts, not being a Gordon Ramsey with thoughts, emotions, beliefs, or behaviours. It can be really hard. It can be even harder not to judge the judgements. Being Nonjudgmental would be me going “Adele exists”. Being judgmental is going “Adele should drown in a sea of Justin Bieber fans wielding rubber duck swords because she is just terrible”. Being Judgmental of my Judgment is going “various heathen gods damn it, Sarcastic Autist-kun, stop being such a bitch to Adele and stop being such a wanker about being a bitch”. See what I mean?
One-Mindfully is just living in the Now. I’ve talked about that in depth before. And “Effectively”. The best way for me to describe what “Effectively” is this quote that I totally stole from Charon: Consider how your choices in this moment lead to states of being [content, discontent, Zen, happy, sad, spiffy, noodles, etc]. To be “Effective”, do what works and be skillful and don’t be a wanker.
Also, don’t call yourself a wanker because that’s being Judgmental.
For the rest of this post, I feel a lot better about what the Diagnosis Report says. Mostly because I am giving myself a week to be as judgemental and as willful and hateful and accepting and content and everything before I make a final call on whether or not I agree with what’s written. Because Argon made comments referring to my tic in it without acknowledging my tic. So fuck him.
The first thing is Autism Spectrum Disorder, Requiring Support, without Accompanying Intellectual Impairment, without Accompanying Language Impairment. So, high functioning Autism. I don’t like seeing that on paper. I hate seeing it on paper so very very much. When it’s more of an idea, more of a suggestion and less of a “on the fucking paper in front of me”, it’s easier to accept, for some weird reason. I think it’s because knowing I am Autistic is a bit different than other people that I’m not fond of knowing that I’m Autistic. It could also be because I fucking hate being labelled by other people.
It’s also a reminder that I can only learn to cope. Unlike depression, which has a chance of going away eventually, Autism is a neurological disorder. You can’t take a magic pill and fix it. I love taking magic pills to fix things. I am all about immediate gratification. I am not all about learning to tolerate myself and my random quirks. I want a magic pill. There is no magic pill. On the other hand, I am pretty sure my awesomeness wouldn’t be this sort of awesomeness without the Autism bit. “All of me or none of me”, you know? It’s like, I can’t just nitpick what bits and pieces I like about myself. I have to learn to be kind and accepting of all of me so I can work on growing and being a better person. I still hate seeing labels, no matter how much I enjoy labelling everything and everyone else.
Second is Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Panic Attacks. I also have Social Anxiety Disorder. Honestly, I think these are related to the Autism, as in they are secondary to the primary. Persistent Depressive Disorder may or may not be part of the Autism. I’ve been a depressed person since I was a wee little tyke, so I think it’s as much part of my neurological make-up as Autism at this point. PTSD, OSFED, Trichotillomania, those are pretty self-explanatory. For those who don’t know, PTSD is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, OSFED is Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorder, and Trichotillomania is where I pull out my hair.
I want to discuss this Cannabis Use Disorder. I don’t even remember the last time I used marijuana. I don’t have an issue with pot. I just don’t. I never have. I’m not that big of a fan, to be honest. I think it’s sort of funny that they have Cannabis Use Disorder but not Opioid Addiction.
Back to the Anxiety stuff though. Yes, I have a shit ton of Anxiety issues. I hate people. I hate peopling, the social aspect of being social and having friends. I hate crowds. I worry incessantly about shit that doesn’t even matter. That’s another reason why I have my “Let It Go” book now. I want to also state that I love meeting new people and hanging out with friends and doing fun things with people. I just hate it too. Because of the Anxiety bit. It is very hard for me to socialize. I also really hate peopling. I cannot iterate that enough. If it’s not online, it’s hard as hell.
Also, I’ve got Depression issues. I know that. I can’t deny it. I mean, I guess I could, but that would make me a liar and I hate lying. It makes me feel all gross and icky inside. I’m just a terrible liar anyway. I’m working on the Depression. And the Anxiety. Not so much the Cannabis Use. I should cut down on my Cannabis use. (That last bit was sarcasm. I don’t have any issues with pot. I don’t like it, but other people can smoke it because I don’t care.)
Okay, I’m tired and I’ve ranted enough today. Night all.
-The Sarcastic Autist