On Feeling Stupid, Unreasonably Excited, and Spaztastic

Good day, everyone.  Neko-chan is laying on her side with her front paws pressed against my leg.  It’s cute.  I went to the store today because grapes were on sale for $1.48 a pound and I was going to purchase soy milk for my protein shakes but they were out of the soy milk I drink, so I have to go back tomorrow.  I stopped by the Cell Phone store that is across the street from where I live and happens to be of the same company that gives me service.  They ordered a LG V10 for me that should get here Monday.  Now, I’m perfectly aware that if I had ordered online, I’d have gotten it by the weekend.  I ordered through the store, and with this particular salesperson, because they are very patient with me and will waive the upgrade fee and give me random discounts.  They aren’t often busy, either.  Mostly, I go there because they are very nice and very patient.

Let me start off today’s rant by stating that I am a very smart individual.  I am book smart and I’ve been called wise, so I’m also an Owl.  Intellect and Intelligence and all that fun stuff has never been questioned when it comes to me.  Now, pretty much anything that isn’t facts or logic or that I can make a chart, graph, or map out of is pretty much beyond my comprehension.  That apparently includes all this shit in Living Well on the Spectrum.

Holy bacon bits on a waffle pancake.  What the bloody hell.  I have been getting so frustrated with this book that I’ve literally tossed it aside and thrown it and banged it against my head.  I wrote it in my “Keep Calm and Let It Go” notebook.  (Also called my Bother Book, because I adore alliteration).

I haven’t gotten past the first chapter yet.  I am having a hard time with the questions and check lists on it.  I feel so stupid trying to fill this thing out.  I’m breaking it down into tiny bits.  It’s just like learning Japanese Kanji; I have to do it slowly, carefully, and mindfully.  I still want to burn it.

I struggle with this sort of thing a lot.  I’m not good at knowing things.  It’s pretty much me just going “I don’t know” with a lot of things, because, honestly, I never gave it much thought.  I also don’t know how others perceive me.  I am entirely unaware of other’s perceptions unless someone brings it to my attention, like that time Charon tried to point out that my emo-ness and tattoos may put some people off.   It’s so frustrating.

I wanted to rant about how much I hate doing this stupid book.  I want to do it, I just hate doing it.  I don’t know how to explain it.  It’s sort of like this delusional idea has popped into my head that says “hey, maybe if I do this book, I won’t be as spaztastic and I can maybe come off a bit more normal and have friends and shit”.  Realistically, Living Well on the Spectrum can help me cope.  That’s it.  All anything can do is help me cope because you can’t ‘cure’ Autism.  That gets to me a lot.  I really just want my miracle pill a lot.

On a happy note, however, Kuma-chan called me this morning.  She had this thing at work that she was proud of because it showed her own personal progress with some problems she has that I don’t want to share in detail because that’s her story, not mine.  Anyway, so she called me and she told me and she was so excited and I was so happy for her and I still am so happy for her too.

I mean, I don’t give two fucks about her job.  I think it’s a nifty job and I’m glad she likes it, it’s just not something I’m personally interested in.  But, since she enjoys it and it’s such a large part of her life, I like to hear her talk about it.  I learn more about her and her interests that way.

It also made me feel good.  Normally, I’m the one reaching out and trying to set things up with friends and calling them and talking nonstop about whatever weird thing has caught my interest.  It was a nice change to be sought after to be informed of something awesome that happened right after it happened, rather than be told off-handedly weeks later.  It’s just the best feeling in the world that someone holds me in high enough regard to tell me awesome happenings like that.

I, honestly, can’t even keep my happiness and overwhelming joy inside very well.  I’m not even sure I’m putting the feeling of awesomeness that I’m feeling into words good enough to portray it.  I also just saw an amazing picture of the various Eveelutions and now I’m unreasonably excited about that too.  Goshdarn it, it’s bed time and now I won’t be able to sleep for a while yet.

I’m going to go eat some grapes.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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11 thoughts on “On Feeling Stupid, Unreasonably Excited, and Spaztastic

  1. Yay for nice people at phone store. Me has a person at the one by me to who is the best. Maybe you can ask someone to help? Me asked my therapist and my caretaker to what they think of me- which Me thinks you’re supposed do after what you think of yourself-and for other help. After the first chapter the rest of part 1 is mostly not workbook just reading. You can also skip around like it says and look at the parts you want/need first. Part 2 is workbook and is impossible for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What book is this that is driving you bonkers? How is anyone supposed to know how others see them? I do not know how people see me unless I asked them and even then I don’t know if they are telling me the truth.

    I have had people tell me that I am scary. And this was before I was diagnosed with Bipolar, and thus before I got treatment. I had no idea what they meant at the time and the two people that said it wouldn’t explain. Knowing what Bipolar is now, I think I understand what they might have meant. And it makes me sad. In my own head, I don’t perceive myself to be changing in personality but to other people I am – and quite dramatically, sometimes without warning. I imagine that is very frightening to anyone on the outside of me and it leaves me feeling like no one will ever know who I really am because on the inside that’s not how it is at all.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Living Well on the Spectrum. It’s this workbook type thing that juanspinkelephant and my therapist both recommended. It’s actually very interesting and I do enjoy the reading parts of it. It’s the workbook parts that get me.
      I totally get what you mean that you feel that your inside is the real you and no one can see it for how they perceive the outside you. I think Mulan says it best when she sings Reflection in the first Mulan movie. I listen to that song all the time when I’m upset and remember that, at the end of the day, I do have Kuma-chan and she knows the me inside because we’ve been friends for like, 10 years. I just have to be myself and try not to let other people get me down. Haters gonna hate and ainters gonna aint, you know?

      Liked by 1 person

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