Konnichiwa, minna-san! I am feeling a bit less frustrated with that Living Well on the Spectrum book. (Title is a link to the book on amazon) I went back to slowly just doing a page or two at a time. I like rushing through things and going as fast as I can so I can learn as much as I can and that’s not going to work with this book. I know it’s because it’s more for self-improvement rather than learning about parasites or the history of medieval English literature, so I do have to remember to take it slow and be patient. I’m not a super patient person. I enjoy my immediate gratification.
I am so excited to get my new phone on Monday. My phone is starting to die and not work. It wasn’t working well before and I didn’t like it anyway because it’s an Apple and I am not a fan of Apple. It was the cheapest option for me at the time because my phone was stolen. I’m super excited for a new phone that isn’t this piece of junk.
I’m also having one of those days where I wish I didn’t mind people touching me because my back and shoulders are all tight and knotted and it hurts. I haven’t gotten a whole lot accomplished because I woke up late and had to go to the store to get sweet-n-low because I had run out . I also keep writing run on sentences. I’ve been really tired lately and I don’t know what’s up with that.
I’ve been trying really hard to get myself out of this foggy and depressed mood that I’ve been in. I think a huge barrier for me is that I keep talking down to myself and berating myself for things that I can’t help. I’ve also gained a couple of pounds because I have been eating so many chips. I don’t even like junk food all that much. I just really wanted chips so I had like, 3 whole bags all to myself in this last week. I feel a bit disgusted with myself, even though I know I also couldn’t have possibly have eaten a surplus of over 10,500 calories to get to this weight. It’s probably mostly water retention from all that salt.
None-the-less, I am back to heavily monitoring my diet and not wanting anything to do with food that isn’t labelled as non-heavy. I don’t want to say that I’m a picky eater. I like a wide variety of foods. I’m a lazy cook and I can eat ramen every day for months on end. It’s so easy to make. I just add a few frozen vegetables and some jalapenos, kimchi, lemon juice, chili powder, garlic powder, red pepper flakes, and green onions to it for flavour and also because I wouldn’t get a lot of vegetables in my diet otherwise. I do love vegetables. I don’t like cooking often. Because I am so very much lazy.
I have been bored. Learning Japanese is no longer a struggle for me. At this point, I’m just learning vocabulary and reading the same 3 books that I have over and over and over again so I can get a better feel for the sentence structure. I average 2-3 hours of study, minimum, a day. It’s gotten to the point where that learning barrier that made Japanese so hard has basically gone away. Sometimes I have problems remembering things I’ve learned, but no more so than I do in English.
It’s a little weird, honestly. I had always been told my entire life that my memory is shit and that I remember things wrong. I know now that I was just being gaslighted, but to realize that I’m a smart person with a pretty remarkable memory, I’m awe struck. I don’t want to say that I have extremely low self-esteem anymore.
I’m awesome. I’m smart. I’m wise. I like to help others and to make others feel good. I like to make people happy and I’m good at lots of things. I’m an attractive person. I wouldn’t consider myself a douchenugget or a bitch or anything like that. I don’t even really hold a lot of unreasonable anger or hate towards people like Exacerbating Ex. I’m likable and sociable, according to a lot of people. I’ve been called insightful and deep. I am kind and compassionate.
Yet, despite all these things, I can’t say I’m a huge fan of myself. I know I don’t have to love myself. I don’t even have to like myself. I should only aim to be kind to myself. Honestly, I have a worrying large amount of indifference for myself. I have almost no sense of self-preservation. I suck at standing up for myself or setting hard boundaries.
Another issue for me is that I don’t feel like I have a solid foundation of who I am yet. I think that people normally have a stronger sense of identity by my age. I feel more fluid. Of course, that could be because I’m genderfluid/genderqueer/nonbinary, but it’s also because I am constantly taking in new information and I think it’d be ignorant and rather non-progressive to not let new facts about things influence my opinions and outlook on life.
I don’t know. I’m going to go harass Neko-chan for a bit. And listen to My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic music. I love that music. I also love Disney music. Yay.
-The Sarcastic Autist