Feeling Lost

Konnichiwa, minna-san!  I am feeling a bit less frustrated with that Living Well on the Spectrum book.  (Title is a link to the book on amazon)  I went back to slowly just doing a page or two at a time.  I like rushing through things and going as fast as I can so I can learn as much as I can and that’s not going to work with this book.  I know it’s because it’s more for self-improvement rather than learning about parasites or the history of medieval English literature, so I do have to remember to take it slow and be patient.  I’m not a super patient person.  I enjoy my immediate gratification.

I am so excited to get my new phone on Monday.  My phone is starting to die and not work.  It wasn’t working well before and I didn’t like it anyway because it’s an Apple and I am not a fan of Apple.  It was the cheapest option for me at the time because my phone was stolen.  I’m super excited for a new phone that isn’t this piece of junk.

I’m also having one of those days where I wish I didn’t mind people touching me because my back and shoulders are all tight and knotted and it hurts.  I haven’t gotten a whole lot accomplished because I woke up late and had to go to the store to get sweet-n-low because I had run out .  I also keep writing run on sentences.  I’ve been really tired lately and I don’t know what’s up with that.

I’ve been trying really hard to get myself out of this foggy and depressed mood that I’ve been in.  I think a huge barrier for me is that I keep talking down to myself and berating myself for things that I can’t help.  I’ve also gained a couple of pounds because I have been eating so many chips.  I don’t even like junk food all that much.  I just really wanted chips so I had like, 3 whole bags all to myself in this last week.  I feel a bit disgusted with myself, even though I know I also couldn’t have possibly have eaten a surplus of over 10,500 calories to get to this weight.  It’s probably mostly water retention from all that salt.

None-the-less, I am back to heavily monitoring my diet and not wanting anything to do with food that isn’t labelled as non-heavy.  I don’t want to say that I’m a picky eater.  I like a wide variety of foods.  I’m a lazy cook and I can eat ramen every day for months on end.  It’s so easy to make.  I just add a few frozen vegetables and some jalapenos, kimchi, lemon juice, chili powder, garlic powder, red pepper flakes, and green onions to it for flavour and also because I wouldn’t get a lot of vegetables in my diet otherwise.  I do love vegetables.  I don’t like cooking often.  Because I am so very much lazy.

I have been bored.  Learning Japanese is no longer a struggle for me.  At this point, I’m just learning vocabulary and reading the same 3 books that I have over and over and over again so I can get a better feel for the sentence structure.  I average 2-3 hours of study, minimum, a day.  It’s gotten to the point where that learning barrier that made Japanese so hard has basically gone away.  Sometimes I have problems remembering things I’ve learned, but no more so than I do in English.

It’s a little weird, honestly.  I had always been told my entire life that my memory is shit and that I remember things wrong.  I know now that I was just being gaslighted, but to realize that I’m a smart person with a pretty remarkable memory, I’m awe struck.  I don’t want to say that I have extremely low self-esteem anymore.

I’m awesome.  I’m smart.  I’m wise.  I like to help others and to make others feel good.  I like to make people happy and I’m good at lots of things.  I’m an attractive person.  I wouldn’t consider myself a douchenugget or a bitch or anything like that.  I don’t even really hold a lot of unreasonable anger or hate towards people like Exacerbating Ex.  I’m likable and sociable, according to a lot of people.  I’ve been called insightful and deep.  I am kind and compassionate.

Yet, despite all these things, I can’t say I’m a huge fan of myself.  I know I don’t have to love myself.  I don’t even have to like myself.  I should only aim to be kind to myself.  Honestly, I have a worrying large amount of indifference for myself.  I have almost no sense of self-preservation.  I suck at standing up for myself or setting hard boundaries.

Another issue for me is that I don’t feel like I have a solid foundation of who I am yet.  I think that people normally have a stronger sense of identity by my age.  I feel more fluid.  Of course, that could be because I’m genderfluid/genderqueer/nonbinary, but it’s also because I am constantly taking in new information and I think it’d be ignorant and rather non-progressive to not let new facts about things influence my opinions and outlook on life.

I don’t know. I’m going to go harass Neko-chan for a bit.  And listen to My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic music.  I love that music.  I also love Disney music.  Yay.

-The Sarcastic Autist


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