I’m Okay With Me But I Don’t Like Me

Hajimemashita!  I now have 45 followers!  Yay!  I feel so honoured.  I haven’t really done much today except laundry and trying out a new ramen (I wasn’t impressed).  I’m still loving my new phone.  I miss Levi the Lime.  It was a lime.  I named it Levi.  That’s pretty much the story.

Let’s have some real talk today.  I mentioned the other day how I felt comfortable in my own skin for the first time in forever.  Honestly, I think that it was the first time in ever that I felt comfortable at my weight, size, and mental health.  I’m still a few points shy from being within a normal BMI range and I still have that goal of being not this fat.  I don’t feel like a too stretched balloon about to pop anymore.  I no longer feel like I should apologize for the simple act of existing.

Now, to be fair to all my plus-size followers, I have no issues with fat people.  Okay, I don’t have issues with people just because they’re bigger.  I honestly don’t.  I do have issues with people who body shame and I  see a lot of people are telling me off for wanting to lose 10 more pounds.  10 more pounds puts me in a good BMI range for me.  I don’t like it when people use the words ‘fat’ or ‘skinny’ and follow it up with ‘bitch’.  I don’t like it when people tell others to put down the fork or to go eat a burger.  Other people’s bodies are none of my business unless they get all up in my space.

I want to reiterate that I have no problem with other people being whatever weight they are or want to be.  I have a problem when I weigh too much.  I have a problem when I can’t shop at Walmart to find decent pants or a cheap bra because I can only wear certain materials and Walmart and Target are the only stores that have the bras that I can wear without wanting to bang my head against things.  I have a problem when my weight is so high that I’m considered for Weight Loss Surgery and my insurance would cover the follow up tummy tuck from it.  I have a problem when I weigh so much that taking the stairs leaves me breathless and I have to buy new slippers every couple of months because my excess weight ruins the heels.  I have a problem with my weight because it affects me.

I should be saying I had a problem with my weight, I guess, but that’s not entirely accurate.  I still have a slight issue with my weight.  I know I’m not at a healthy size.  However, I look at myself and I can see the cute kid other people see.  (I say kid because I act like a kid most of the time and I don’t take offense to it.)  I’m not as self-conscious and ashamed of my body as I was even last month.  I’m proud of that.  I’m proud of the fact that I’m working hard to consume between 1000-1500 calories a day.  I don’t always meet that goal and I don’t always stay within that goal.  My goal is no longer weight loss, but health.  I want to feel healthy.  I still want to lose weight, but my diet needs to get better.

I’m not as ashamed of my spazzing as I used to be.  I’m still conscientious of it and I’m painfully aware of the looks I get from people when I suddenly boop my head or mlep behhhhhp or eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee because fuck you, I am a motherfucking raptor.  When I stopped trying so hard to suppress them and make them as unnoticeable as possible, I stopped having as many seizures.  I know correlation does not equate causation, but there’s a pretty strong case for a connection here.

I’m trying to be more okay with my personality.  I don’t pretend that I know what people are talking about all the time anymore.  If someone says something that I don’t understand, I ask for clarification.  Because idioms are hard and just why with all the idioms people?  Seriously, just use similes because similes use ‘like’ or ‘as’ and are therefore easier to spot, although still hard to comprehend sometimes.

Even as I’m sitting here, I am rocking back and forth and side to side.  The moving makes me concentrate better.  I don’t feel ashamed for doing it.  I feel sad.  I feel sad that it’s taken me so long to accept that this is me and this is what I do.  I feel sad because I know that this is me and that there’s nothing wrong with me and I accept that as a hard truth and as actual reality.  I still don’t like me.  I’m okay with the fact that is is me and I feel comfortable in my body.  I just don’t like me.  And that makes me sad.  I’m awesome, so shouldn’t I like myself?

-The Sarcastic Autist

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9 thoughts on “I’m Okay With Me But I Don’t Like Me

  1. It takes time. If it helps any, I think you are on the right path. The reason I say that is because you are willing to be honest with yourself. You are willing to even ask yourself this question in the first place.

    How many of us really do? And I mean REALLY deep down ask this question with all seriousness.

    “How much do I like me?”

    I think the only times I have ever liked myself was when I have been manic. Depressed… not so much. Any other time it’s just doubting myself. I don’t think I have ever stepped back and honestly asked myself this question. Overall, I think I’m okay. Not the worst, but not the best. Plenty of room for improvement. I can work with that. 🙂

    Thank you for blogging. It makes me think about myself in different ways I haven’t considered. I think it helps me to grow as a person too.

    Liked by 1 person

    • People don’t ask that of themselves? I ask myself a lot of questions, especially recently. I like to learn and I realized I avoid learning about myself. Probably because I’m afraid I’ll like myself less.
      I like you, if that helps any. ^_^
      You are welcome for my blog? I don’t know how to respond to that and now I feel like I’d blush if I had the capability to blush. I feel very honoured and happy to have helped you even in this way.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I see people ask themselves this question in the blogging world, yes, but I don’t personally know many people face to face that ask this question. Not in a deep way. I think it’s a matter of self awareness. Those that blog about mental health and mental illness, mental disorders and our battles to rise above it I think are more self aware. How else could we track our progress if we weren’t? We ask the tough questions, we set the hard goals, and we hold ourselves accountable to them. That’s not an easy thing to do and it’s certainly not possible in the bliss of blind busyness. And this is where I think you are different from me. Right now you are seeking deep within, looking at you really are. Me on the other hand, I feel I get so caught up in the chaos that is my life that I often forget that I need to reflect upon who I am. There was a time that I felt that I knew who I was. I don’t feel that way anymore. I look at the people around me and I see them just as busy, if not more so, as I am. If they are asking these questions they aren’t sharing them so I probably shouldn’t assume. Maybe they are and keep the questions to themselves for whatever reason? After all there is a lot of pressure in our society to like ourselves. And how many people really want to admit that they don’t like themselves without sounding depressed? On the other hand how many people want to admit they truly like themselves without sounding like a narcissist? Our society has put us all in a hard spot with this one – the same way it has with body shaming. You can’t be fat in peace. You can’t be thin in peace either. It’s sad and wrong. So now I’m wondering if this is why so many people just remain silent. Not because they’re not asking, but because society tells them they’re wrong.

        Your blog is helpful because even though there are some similarities between us, your perspectives are different enough to help me think. Even if you aren’t asking me the question my brain wants to answer it, even if only for myself. Sometimes it is a question I never thought to ask. And in this case as I said before I don’t think I ever actively asked myself if I liked myself.

        Liked by 1 person

      • That’s an interesting thought. I don’t think I’ve ever really been lonely seeming how I enjoy having time to myself – maybe because I’m from a big family? Maybe this is why I have never thought about this question much?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh no, I’m sorry. I didn’t explain it clearly: I was trying to say that you had mentioned what I was saying before and I was reiterating it and was therefore apologetic about the repeat information on my part.

        Like

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