Challenging Myths: Part Two

Hello, everyone.  I’m sorry about the short post yesterday.  I haven’t a clue how I managed to do Wednesdays before.  By 5 minutes into DBT group I was done and wanted to go home.  I did stay for the whole thing.  I just didn’t want to.  If I can’t get it together enough to do both Bible Study in the mornings and then DBT group in the afternoon, I’m going to drop Bible Study.  I feel a bit bad about it, but I need to do what’s best for me.  I’m researching service dogs for Autism currently.  I was on a waiting list a long time ago, but then I moved in with my ex and she didn’t let me even consider getting one, so I got myself removed.  I’m going to be making a weighted blanket and a weighted lap pad.  I think that a weighted lap pad would help with my driving.  I also drove a bit and didn’t crash or run anyone over, so I’m off to a good start there.

I’m thinking I’m probably going to be doing this Challenging Myths thing as a multiple part series.  I have a lot of thoughts about a lot of the different Myths.  So, just a heads up there.  I want to talk about the Myth “Obviously, the problem is just in my head.  If I would just think differently, I wouldn’t have to bother everyone else.”

First off, yes, of course the problem is in my head.  I’m Autistic.  I just think on a different wave length than other people.  I don’t understand a lot of things.  Just today, while I was talking to Kuma-chan, she mentioned that she had forgotten that she needs to explain things in a certain way or I just don’t get it.  I cannot begin to describe how guilty and ashamed I feel that other people have to do it.  I’m working on accepting that it’s just part of who I am and that my thinking is just different and there’s nothing wrong with that.  It’s so hard when it kind of slaps me in the face like that.

I have a lot of different experiences where I feel like I should understand things that I don’t.  It’s like there’s a physical barrier in my head that prevents me from understanding things.  It’s frustrating for me.  It’s frustrating for those working with me.  It’s frustrating to my cat.  It’s probably frustrating for my dentist because I keep trying to bite him.  (If you stick something in my mouth, my initial reaction is going to be to bite.  On a related note, this is why I don’t do a lot of tongue kissing.)

So yeah, the problem is in my fucking head.  I can’t force myself to think differently.  I’ve tried.  I’m just going to not understand things and that’s my lot in life.  I also have chemical imbalances that give me depression and anxiety issues.  It sucks.  I complain about it and that makes me feel better, but there’s no point in saying “If I could just think differently, I wouldn’t have to bother anyone else”.

Also, I have hemorrhoids and so I don’t feel well.  I feel sick to my stomach from the pain from my butt and I’m loathe to go to a doctor about something as stupid as a hemorrhoid.

I’ll post more tomorrow.  I’m sorry this post is cut short by sudden nausea.

-The Sarcastic Autist