Hello, everyone. I’m still rather sad/depressed/bored/apathetic. I did realize that I haven’t been as mindful as I used to be, as I was eating food that I knew tends to make me sick. So, starting as of right when I remembered to be mindful of everything, I’m going back to a mostly fruit and vegetables and ramen diet. (I love ramen. Ramen is everything to me.)
I’m also going to be more mindful in my activities. That means putting my phone down when I’m watching the tellie or listening to music and not reading at the same time. I’m going to try meditating again during my Unplugged Quiet Time instead of using that time to take a nap.
Instead of going “I don’t want to do that because I don’t like it” or “I feel X but I don’t know why”, I’m going to ponder and try to figure out why I don’t want to do something or why I feel a certain way. I’m probably not going to figure it out all the time and I am going to try to just let myself feel the random bullshit that I feel. However, I do want to delve a little deeper into the origins of my emotions instead of taking it at face value.
For example, I’ve been having Shark Week this week. For those who don’t know, the female reproductive system is shaped like a shark brain and so I started calling it Shark Week many years ago. I’ve been having Shark Weeks since I was 11 with a couple of breaks here and there. I hate Shark Week. I hate that my uterus decides that it needs to essentially strip itself of its interior walls and forcibly expel it through a place that I don’t like thinking about more than I should.
I was so much happier when I didn’t have Shark Week. I’ve been considering asking about Hormone Replacement Therapy just to stop whatever causes it to occur in any shape or form. I know I’m technically a Hormone type therapy for my Endometriosis, but that’s not the same. My breasts are too big and I hate having hair everywhere and I really hate having blood come out of my nether regions, especially when blood coming out of my nether regions causes paranoia that the never ending pain and low quality of life that came with having bad Endometriosis will return with a vengeance.
I do want to do a quick reminder for you all that I identify as Non-binary genderfluid, meaning that I don’t feel 100% female or 100% male. Mostly, I feel like I fall smack dab in the middle of the gender spectrum (not to be confused with biological sex, of which I am biologically female). To put it simply, I’d be perfectly content with being a Ken doll in terms of anatomy. No boobs and no penis. However, I’m also rather attached to my breasts at this point. I’ve started developing when I was 9 and now I feel as though I’ve grown attached to them. (I think that pun is hilarious and I won’t apologize for it).
I’ve also been struggling with the thoughts of purging any time I eat something. I haven’t and I’m quite pleased that I haven’t. I’ve found myself falling into the routine of calling myself fat and worthless and no one will ever love me because I can’t put down the fucking cupcake. It’s quite disheartening that this is happening when I have been doing so well for so long. Actually, I think it’s because I downloaded My Fitness Pal again. When I see those numbers creep up, I feel shame and anxiety and panic. Maybe I should consider deleting it again.
I still have a hemorrhoid. I still hate my hemorrhoid. Maybe the source of all this depression is because my butt hurts to sit, fart, and pop. I haven’t showered yet today. I’m just trying to remain mindful and to remember that just because a problem is in my head, that doesn’t make it any less of a problem.
-The Sarcastic Autist