Mindfully Stressed and Overwhelmed

Hello, everyone!  Boy, I am tired and sore.  I finally got around to downloading an app onto my phone to help track my sleep and I have no idea how to get it to track how long I wake up for during the random moments I wake up for an hour or two to pee or get a water or to harass my cat.  I do know it was around 5 hours from the time I turned on the app to the time I turned it off.  I turned it off because I couldn’t figure out how to pause it when I was awake.  I was tossing and turning all night too.

I don’t know if you guys noticed it, but it finally hit me today that I’ve been getting more and more overwhelmed lately and shutting down more too.  I thought that I could maybe make today less overwhelming by asking the ladies at Bible Study not to touch me today but this one lady waved her hands in front of my face and said “I’m not touching you”.  I know she was trying to be funny and I feel a bit bad that I freaked out a bit and covered my ears and told her off.  I apologized for the rudeness and stuff of my reaction.   (I don’t know how covering my ears was supposed to stop my eyes from being over-stimulated.  That was the weird part of that.)  One of the other ladies rubbed my back at one point and I had to repeat myself to please not touch me today.  This is the one that will full on grab my face, so I’m not surprised that she would forget not to touch me when I ask.

Of course, these kind old people don’t know that I’m Autistic.  It’s not something I share much because I don’t feel like it’s anyone’s business but my own.  Plus, I’ll often get the comments of “well, you don’t act like you have Autism” or “you don’t seem Autistic” or “I wouldn’t have thought that, you look so normal”.  I’m not really that mad when people make those comments but it does frustrate me a bit.  On one hand, I don’t know how Autistic people are supposed to look like according to those statements.  On the other hand, I don’t know what normal looks like either really.  I guess ‘normal’ is relative and I should say ‘within the standard variation’ or something.

Anyway, I wasn’t as overwhelmed today as I was last Wednesday.  I did notice myself doing the stimming/spazzing thing a bit more, though.  It was a mild hand twitch thing that I do where I sort of flap my hand and tap my middle finger and thumb together while moving my wrist.  It’s sort of difficult to explain.  It was mild and not that noticeable but it was continuous throughout the day.  At some points during both morning Bible Study and evening DBT group, I would rock side to side and bounce my legs and chew on random things.

I’m trying to remain mindful about my current state of being.  I want to keep track of my moods so I can recognize and intervene/cope/whatever before I have a meltdown or a total shut down.  Mostly, I’m just tired all the time and can no longer socialize well, even online, anymore.  I feel very stressed and I get this weird cement feeling in my throat when I think about all the shit I have to get done still.

Of course, I didn’t talk to Charon about this on Monday because I didn’t realize that’s what’s going on with me.  I thought I was just depressed because Shark Week.  It seems more likely that I just got caught up with all the things I have to get done and no time to do it.  Thank goodness I have no things tomorrow.  I can get caught up on all the things I haven’t done yet that I need to get done before Friday.

Well, Charon will be proud of me.  I may be stressed and overwhelmed, but I’m doing it Mindfully.

I’m going to go to bed now.  Good night, everyone.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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7 thoughts on “Mindfully Stressed and Overwhelmed

  1. And then our society wonders why rape culture even exists. We have been programmed to simply just not respect people’s physical boundaries – like at all. I don’t care if this is “normal” it doesn’t make it okay. If someone – ANYONE – says “Don’t Touch Me” it should be respected. Period. That person doesn’t owe an explanation. That person shouldn’t have to keep fighting for that boundary to be upheld with the same other person each and every time. I’m really sorry this is happening to you. Don’t let any one convince you to change you in this respect so they can feel more comfortable and do whatever they want. It’s your body. It’s your call. It’s your right. This isn’t about sex. This is about decency, dignity, and respect.

    When I get stressed and overwhelmed like that I find the best thing to do is to sit down and take an honest look at my schedule and routine. I ask myself which things are bringing me joy/comfort and which things are bringing me grief/stress. If it’s not bringing me joy or comfort and it isn’t part of my wellness plan, I remove it. The reason for that is because those things are the source of my stress and why I am so overwhelmed. You might find it helpful to discuss it with Charon when you talk with her about how you have been feeling lately.

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    • I’m afraid I’ve never quite understood what ‘rape culture’ is because anytime I google it, it seems like nonsensical rants. Could you explain it to me in a way that makes sense to my weird brain?
      I plan on bringing it up to Charon only because I don’t really want to bring it up to Charon. I have this thing where I think I have to be able to handle these sort of situations like a strong independent adult, without outside help. Because, surely, any ‘normal’ adult can handle being overwhelmed without wanting to bang their head against the wall.
      I am looking at my schedule based on what you said and the only things I can cut out are church stuff. The Sunday morning church thing and the Wednesday morning Bible Study. I would feel bad cutting those out because Charon likes that I force myself out of the house to socialize with people.

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      • Well it is a seriously complex issue. I admit that but the way I see it is simply this: it’s a culture where people are not treated as people but rather they are treated as sexual objects to be controlled and owned.

        And the puzzling thing about this is I don’t think this culture today it brought about entirely on purpose. It like how we force our children to like aunts, uncles, and grandparents give them hugs, pinch their cheeks, and muss their hair even when they don’t want it or like it. Over time these kids become trained to think these boundaries don’t exist. Over time they become adults thinking they too are entitled to cross these boundaries and it spills over into their sexual encounters. Everything else with this topic is just noise that is centered around this one concept ultimately.

        It all boils down to the systematic breakdown of personal boundaries in our society that we have come to accept as normal that inadvertently set people up to get hurt.

        This is why I say if you don’t like someone touching you, sexual or not, hold your ground and don’t let them. It’s your body and you have that right. Doesn’t matter what they say.

        As far as you schedule goes, this is why I said to talk to Charon about it. I completely understand why she wants you to develop your social skills by getting out there and being social but at the same time you don’t want to burn yourself out either.

        All things in moderation.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh, okay. So, rape culture is basically the culture of not having boundaries respected. I understand that.
        And I’m going to have to try to explain to Charon next week why doing so much is difficult for me. It’s hard to explain with words. Mostly because she doesn’t let me use “because Autism” as an excuse. I have to use my words like a big kid.

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      • Yes, to me rape culture is mostly that plus treating people as sexual objects in addition to that. It’s become so much a part of our culture that it’s normal in our media now. Sexy and attractive people are used in advertising and it doesn’t even matter what the product is for example. The media and fashion industry is being called out on it and they are slowly changing. But for awhile there it was pretty standard to see a barely dressed woman in an ad for a car or motorcycle for example. Perfume ads can still be pretty bad.

        I can see why she would want you to use your words. Communication is pretty useful. Even if you just write them down and bring it in would be more informative and helpful to her than saying just “because Autism”. She doesn’t know what that means to you. However Charon isn’t reading your blog either. Not saying she needs to. I’m just thinking that maybe it would be easier for you to write it all down before you see her and bring it in with you. Communication doesn’t have to be speech, but it does need to be effective.

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      • Or like how they changed the not-so-attractive Wendy’s girl to the pretty cute redhead? That really bothered me for a long time.
        I want to get a printer so I can just print out editted versions of my blog for her to just go “here ya go, this was my week, stop asking” because I say “fine” when she asks how my week was. I keep assuming she knows things that I know, that darn Theory of Mind thing at work, I guess. Noticed it yesterday when she asked me a question and I stared at her like she lost her mind. I assumed she knew and apparently she didn’t. I felt like an ass. I do need to work on communicating more effectively (although, I am starting to dislike that word).

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      • Someone tried to tell me that Wendy’s girl is actually the granddaughter of the founder all grown up. No idea if that’s true though but I do seem to recall a Wendy’s ad that had multiple generations in it together. I did find it a bit odd in that ad that the father and daughter were heavy set and then the granddaughter was exceptionally thin. I mean it’s genetically possible but odd. I didn’t pay much attention to the hair color because these days dye is common.

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