Hello, everyone! Boy, I am tired and sore. I finally got around to downloading an app onto my phone to help track my sleep and I have no idea how to get it to track how long I wake up for during the random moments I wake up for an hour or two to pee or get a water or to harass my cat. I do know it was around 5 hours from the time I turned on the app to the time I turned it off. I turned it off because I couldn’t figure out how to pause it when I was awake. I was tossing and turning all night too.
I don’t know if you guys noticed it, but it finally hit me today that I’ve been getting more and more overwhelmed lately and shutting down more too. I thought that I could maybe make today less overwhelming by asking the ladies at Bible Study not to touch me today but this one lady waved her hands in front of my face and said “I’m not touching you”. I know she was trying to be funny and I feel a bit bad that I freaked out a bit and covered my ears and told her off. I apologized for the rudeness and stuff of my reaction. (I don’t know how covering my ears was supposed to stop my eyes from being over-stimulated. That was the weird part of that.) One of the other ladies rubbed my back at one point and I had to repeat myself to please not touch me today. This is the one that will full on grab my face, so I’m not surprised that she would forget not to touch me when I ask.
Of course, these kind old people don’t know that I’m Autistic. It’s not something I share much because I don’t feel like it’s anyone’s business but my own. Plus, I’ll often get the comments of “well, you don’t act like you have Autism” or “you don’t seem Autistic” or “I wouldn’t have thought that, you look so normal”. I’m not really that mad when people make those comments but it does frustrate me a bit. On one hand, I don’t know how Autistic people are supposed to look like according to those statements. On the other hand, I don’t know what normal looks like either really. I guess ‘normal’ is relative and I should say ‘within the standard variation’ or something.
Anyway, I wasn’t as overwhelmed today as I was last Wednesday. I did notice myself doing the stimming/spazzing thing a bit more, though. It was a mild hand twitch thing that I do where I sort of flap my hand and tap my middle finger and thumb together while moving my wrist. It’s sort of difficult to explain. It was mild and not that noticeable but it was continuous throughout the day. At some points during both morning Bible Study and evening DBT group, I would rock side to side and bounce my legs and chew on random things.
I’m trying to remain mindful about my current state of being. I want to keep track of my moods so I can recognize and intervene/cope/whatever before I have a meltdown or a total shut down. Mostly, I’m just tired all the time and can no longer socialize well, even online, anymore. I feel very stressed and I get this weird cement feeling in my throat when I think about all the shit I have to get done still.
Of course, I didn’t talk to Charon about this on Monday because I didn’t realize that’s what’s going on with me. I thought I was just depressed because Shark Week. It seems more likely that I just got caught up with all the things I have to get done and no time to do it. Thank goodness I have no things tomorrow. I can get caught up on all the things I haven’t done yet that I need to get done before Friday.
Well, Charon will be proud of me. I may be stressed and overwhelmed, but I’m doing it Mindfully.
I’m going to go to bed now. Good night, everyone.
-The Sarcastic Autist