Random Ramblings: Verge of a Meltdown

I’ll do replies tomorrow.  Tonight, I just need to vent.

I’ve been up since 8 this morning.  Keeping in mind that, despite my computer being off by midnight, despite my best efforts, I cannot fall asleep well, nor can I stay asleep well.  The best sleep I’ve ever had was with heavy blankets but I can no longer find decent enough ones.  I can’t afford weighted blankets and I can’t find all the materials to make one right now, so I guess I’m SOL.  I use 2-3 comforters and that’s still not good enough.  My sleep is shit and I can only do so much without better blankets or lots of drugs and lots of drugs tend to make me very groggy all day.

There is this huge book sale going on this weekend.  I love books.  If I was a dragon, I would have a hoard of books.  The sale was an hour away and Okaasan was nice enough to drive me.  Oh my various heathen gods, there was so many people.  Honestly, it wasn’t that bad.  Yeah, there was a ton of people, but there wasn’t like people touching me or even within 2 feet of me because the space it was held in was so big.  The people were even generally very quiet.  My problem was that the big space was very echo-ey and any small noise was magnified.  And I kept losing Okaasan.  And my phone hasn’t been charging well.  So that was stressful and then the check-out procedure was different than I’m used to and that stressed me out even more.

Then it was an hour ride back.  But I had to get medicine and stuff from the stores.  I couldn’t find all the stuff from the stores and I was on the verge of a shut down so I said fuck it and decided that I could make another trip another day.  And I keep forgetting to buy a new fucking mouse for my laptop because I lost mine when I cleaned my room the other day.

It’s fucking cold where I live.  We are in a frost advisory tonight.  Which means it’s even colder and it’s going to continue getting colder.  I don’t mind the cold.  That’s not my problem.  I have an issue with the air getting really dry when it’s cold and then my skin gets dry and itchy and it’s a sensory issue that I can’t really take care of in public.  I can’t be slathering myself in lotion when I feel the need arise.  Which means weird lotioning rituals and weird layers of clothing.  And lots of water.  And lip balm.  Because I chew on my lips more when they are chapped and chewing them more makes them more chapped and it becomes an endless cycle of misery and shame.

So when I finally got home, I’m itchy, tired, wanting to go crawl back into bed and not come back out for several hours, if not days.  I couldn’t because I was getting picked up to help set up church for this non-profit thing involving abused kids.  My godmother has been sick so I volunteered to take her place in the benefit dinner thingy that is going on tomorrow.  I don’t know why I said I’d do it and now I’m regretting everything.  I was there for almost 3 hours and I was getting more and more anxious about everything being perfect.  I had to be very clear to the lady running it that I’m Autistic and have next to no executive function skill so I needed to be told exactly what to do and how to do it.  Normally, my godmother attends these things with me or runs them so I don’t have to tell people that I’m a waffle without lots of guidance.  The lady let me do the center pieces of the tables and I had the two kid volunteers help me out.  It was a terrible idea because I spent almost the entire time trying to get everything perfect.

It ended up being deemed perfect and beautiful by the other volunteers.  I decided that was good enough.  So, there’s that at least.

Straight from church, Okaasan picked me up and we went to a busy bar and grill place that I’d never eaten at before and I was sat in the middle of the table for my uncle’s birthday and just no.  I sat next to Obaasan (grandma) and she is old and likes to talk.  Everyone in my family talks over each other and there was a lot of stuff going on and I got very overwhelmed.  Because, of course, I also had to go back to the stores to pick up something for my outfit tomorrow because I had no nice clothes that weren’t jeans.

I get home, had to do laundry.  My laundry is in the dryer right now.  I still need to shower and I’m hungry and crabby and I just want to shut the world out for a few days but I can’t because I have to do that thing tomorrow because I promised and I don’t break my promises.

I’m just done right now.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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