I’m afraid that I’m pushing myself too hard. I want to hold my hands over my ears, squeeze my eyes shut, and just scream. I keep wanting to bang my wrists against things for the stimulation and to hit myself. Just to release some of this tension. I keep trying to remember to breathe. Just. Breathe. Breathe and avoid having a shut down or a melt down. Breathe and relax. Breathe.
I’m tired all the time. I feel like my life is going nowhere and that I’m only crawling towards an early grave with all this running around and socializing. I can’t seem to turn my brain off long enough to recuperate. There’s too much noise everywhere. THere’s too much touch and too much everything.
I have no tolerance for distress/stress/anxiety/anything right now. I know I need to take a break and just relax. I need to not put so many expectations on myself. I’m pushing hard to do all these things because I need to prove to myself that, if I can handle this, I can handle a real job that isn’t holing up in my room doing random shit for people. I can do a desk thing with people and do the peopling that overwhelms.
I feel stupid. I feel like there’s an inside joke that everyone but me knows and I’m stuck trying to figure it out. I feel like there’s something broken in me that just can’t be fixed, no matter how hard I try. Because no matter how hard I try, it will never be enough. I don’t think I’m capable of doing stuff within the standard deviation. I’m still getting stuck on things that I should know by now. I’m not letting wriggle room for interpretation.
I hate myself today because I know I can do this and that I’m just taking on too much but I’m allowing myself to fall into a hole. If I can get through today. If I can get through this moment in time, I know I can make it. I don’t feel like I can. I want to do all this cool stuff and I just don’t think I’m capable. I’m not suicidal. Just so you all know, I don’t want to hurt myself or anything like that.
I just kind of want to give up. Just lay in bed and not do therapy anymore. What’s the point? I’ve progressed far enough to realize I’m a loser who can’t do anything. I get too overwhelmed too quickly and it’s just not fair. I want to lose myself in the haze that drugs give me. Go back to that fog and forget any potential I have. Maybe it’s because I’m scared that I’ll try and fail. Maybe it’s because I’m scared that I’ll never amount to anything no matter what I do.
I think I’m burning myself out each Wednesday and I should drop bible study and group. I don’t know how I did it before without dying.
I’m going to go to bed now.
-The Sarcastic Autist