Exhausted

I’m afraid that I’m pushing myself too hard.  I want to hold my hands over my ears, squeeze my eyes shut, and just scream.  I keep wanting to bang my wrists against things for the stimulation and to hit myself.  Just to release some of this tension.  I keep trying to remember to breathe.  Just.  Breathe.  Breathe and avoid having a shut down or a melt down.  Breathe and relax.  Breathe.

I’m tired all the time.  I feel like my life is going nowhere and that I’m only crawling towards an early grave with all this running around and socializing.  I can’t seem to turn my brain off long enough to recuperate.  There’s too much noise everywhere.  THere’s too much touch and too much everything.

I have no tolerance for distress/stress/anxiety/anything right now.  I know I need to take a break and just relax.  I need to not put so many expectations on myself.  I’m pushing hard to do all these things because I need to prove to myself that, if I can handle this, I can handle a real job that isn’t holing up in my room doing random shit for people.  I can do a desk thing with people and do the peopling that overwhelms.

I feel stupid.  I feel like there’s an inside joke that everyone but me knows and I’m stuck trying to figure it out.  I feel like there’s something broken in me that just can’t be fixed, no matter how hard I try.  Because no matter how hard I try, it will never be enough.  I don’t think I’m capable of doing stuff within the standard deviation.  I’m still getting stuck on things that I should know by now.  I’m not letting wriggle room for interpretation.

I hate myself today because I know I can do this and that I’m just taking on too much but I’m allowing myself to fall into a hole.  If I can get through today.  If I can get through this moment in time, I know I can make it.  I don’t feel like I can.  I want to do all this cool stuff and I just don’t think I’m capable.  I’m not suicidal.  Just so you all know, I don’t want to hurt myself or anything like that.

I just kind of want to give up.  Just lay in bed and not do therapy anymore.  What’s the point?  I’ve progressed far enough to realize I’m a loser who can’t do anything.  I get too overwhelmed too quickly and it’s just not fair.  I want to lose myself in the haze that drugs give me.  Go back to that fog and forget any potential I have.  Maybe it’s because I’m scared that I’ll try and fail.  Maybe it’s because I’m scared that I’ll never amount to anything no matter what I do.

I think I’m burning myself out each Wednesday and I should drop bible study and group.  I don’t know how I did it before without dying.

I’m going to go to bed now.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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