Okay, I’m going to pretend that I’m not sick and I’m not depressed and that my butt doesn’t hurt. I’m going to pretend that everything is alright and that I don’t feel like ignoring everything and crawling under the covers. Just for 5 minutes.
I have no idea what’s been going through my head lately. I feel like there’s a fuzziness inside my head that makes everything so dull and not worth doing. I’ve been craving drugs and craving to engage in purging and cutting and all sorts of self-destructive behaviour and I can’t figure out why. I’ve been going between extreme apathy and boredom to ‘go go go do all the things’. It could be the weather so I’m going to try to increase my light exposure and my vitamin D intake.
It’s been bothering me a lot lately, the being gay and non-gender conforming. Being autistic and being depressed and on disability and all that not-so-fun stuff. I’ve been looking at jobs, wanting to get back out there, right? Make some money. I can’t do anything. I’m either not qualified or I’m not able to accomplish the tasks.
And then there’s the whole ‘making friends’ thing. Anytime someone is nice to me, I automatically stick them in the ‘friends’ category in my head. It’s bad because I don’t have a very good sense of when someone is being nice or when someone is being mean. I take things at face value. Everything is literal. There’s no double meanings in my world. I can understand sarcasm if it’s blatantly obvious.
I’m tired all the time. Maybe it’s just me being depressed and wanting to escape the bleak reality that is my life, but I’m always just so tired. I slept for over 12 hours today. I’ve been so sleepy lately. My blood pressure is rather low compared to what it is normally. Maybe I’m getting burned out with people. Maybe Im just getting burned out period.
I’m not quite sore, but I’m stiff all the time. Even when I’m not stiff, there’s the soreness that pops up.
I’m still tired
I’m bothered that my godmother won’t use my preferred pronouns of he/him/his (still not trans, just not a girl/woman/lady). I’m bothered that I’m told that I’m a sinner and going to hell. I’m bothered that people continually say that I’m an abomination and I’m evil and I’m a pervert because I happen to like people who have the same gender/sex as me. I’m bothered that I can’t express myself freely in a public space without being called names or being reduced to a sexual object.
I’m bothered that I’m 25 and I’m just realizing that some people are only nice to me because they have to be, not because they want to be. I’m bothered that I’m not sure if I can be open to my friends about my orientation and gender non-conformity stuff. I’m bothered that my own dad disowned me for being gay and my brother started talking to him again.
I’m bothered that people have issues with what I wear and what I say and how I look and how I speak. I’m bothered that I sometimes get a weird British-English Accent and my mother gets mad at me for it. I’m bothered that I have a hard time telling if something is hot or cold. I’m bothered that I can’t always tell if something is wet or dry.
I’m bothered that I have to go to the bathroom frequently or risk peeing my pants. I’m bothered that my cat bothers me all the fucking time. I’m bothered by a lot of things
I’m also tired and still getting light headed and dizzy when I stand up. Later.
-The Sarcastic Autist