Begin the Zen

Hello everyone.  I’m sorry I didn’t post yesterday.  I went to bed early with a headache.  I didn’t shower and I didn’t brush my teeth and I ended up crashing fully clothed.  I slept for what seems like forever.  I want to apologize for being a non-presence lately.  I’ve a lot going on in my head and the more I avoid coming on here to word-vomit about these things the more upset and strung-out I get.

I’ve been trying to play with how I dress.  Experiment, I think, is a better word.  I love it when I dress in loose, non-form fitting clothes.  I like it when my chest is tiny and I look more boyish.  I love jeans and I love my Doc Martens.  I love my heavy-ish Buddhist beads and my single ring and my single gay rainbow heart necklace.  I like bare minimum makeup.

I also like to wear skirts on rare occasions.  I like doing my emo make-up.  I like form-fitting chick shirts and I like bright splashes of colour amidst my blacks and greys.  I like hats and I like random piercings on my face and my ears.  I like baggy hoodies that zip up.  (I get lost in over-the-head sweaters.)

I like to ‘man-spread’.  That’s where you sit with your knees apart.  I like to sit cross-legged.  I like to sit with my one foot on the side of the other foot.  I like to sit with my one leg swung over the other like a fancy-pants person.  I like to sit up straight and I like to slouch.

I like it when I smile or laugh and get other people to smile and laugh with me.  I like it when people respect my wishes of not fucking touching me.  I like it when people give me hugs that are the right amount of pressure.  I like it when I feel Zen and happy and not like there’s something wrong with me.

I don’t like it that I keep allowing myself to step away from my goal of Zen.  My Zenitude should be what comes first.  I tend to put other people’s interest and well-being before my own.  Where is my Zenitude lately?  I’ve had no chill.  My “Keep Calm and Let it Go” attitude has all but disappeared as of late.  No matter how much I try to tell myself to relax and take deep breaths, my mind races to the next thing that makes me upset.

Or, in an even worse scenario, I go “fuck it” and give up.  I’ve put no effort into my blog or my diary cards these last few weeks.  At DBT group, I’ve apparently been rude when I space and and say “I spaced out and have no idea what was going on for the last 5 minutes”.  Honest, yes, polite, not so much.

I want to be back in that state of Zen where, even if I’m busy, I’m not stressed.  Where I’m not feeling like I’m on the verge of a shutdown everyday or inching closer and closer to a meltdown.  Take deep calm breaths.  Relax.  Let go of the yuck.  Focus on being a source of light and wisdom.

Be the Zen.  Be the Zen.  It’s all going to be okay in the end.  So be the Zen.

Be the Zen.  Be the Zen.  Breathe in, breathe out, or call a friend.  Just be the Zen.

I am the Zen.  I am the Zen.  Stay calm, relax, stretch, unbend.  I am the Zen.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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