Greetings, my fellow bloggers, vloggers, lurkers, and writers. Today has been largely uneventful in terms of going out and about. I did receive my permit in the mail and it has that cute little medical ‘M’ on it to alert authorities that I have medical issues. I’m considering getting this card thing that can tell authorities that I’m Autistic. I’m also considering just adding it to my nifty medical ID bracelet (that desperately needs to be updated). I read the news articles on the guy that got shot and that lady who got shot, both Autistic. I want to be super careful that I don’t end up like that.
I did all my physical therapy exercises today. I’m very proud of myself. I’ve never done that before. My physical therapy place offers driver training to individuals with ‘visual, cognitive, physical, medical challenges, changes due to aging or mental health issues’. What gained my interest was the fact that it has specific training for people on the Spectrum or with mental health disorders. I thought that was pretty nifty and thought it might be beneficial for me.
I’m also starting to seriously look into an ARMHS worker. I’m not sure what they do or what I can get from one, although I’ve asked several times. I know they’re supposed to meet me in my home or something. I don’t like that. My home is for me and not for random people to come into. On the other hand, I really need to start learning some independant living skills. I can cook and I can clean and I can take care of my hygiene and I can go to the grocer’s and all that fun stuff. I need reminders to make the lists, to clean, if I don’t go to the bathroom on a schedule I risk having an ‘accident’. I’ll forget to grab stuff even if it’s on the shopping list.
I read a thing on Reddit today about a guy who was dating this girl and he was having issues with the autistic brother of the girl. Mostly that the autistic brother wasn’t as functional as the guy’s autistic sister and the guy thought he just wasn’t trying hard enough. A lot of people were upset with the guy and saying he didn’t know much about autism or anything if he thought that someone just needed to get motivated in order to overcome their autistic tendencies. Autism is a spectrum, just like any other thing. No two people on the Autism Spectrum are the same.
At the same time, I know that I have limitations. In the past, I thought I would never get to the point where I was not cutting or purging or using drugs. I overcome that. It’s still a daily struggle and it’ll probably always be a daily struggle. I can’t see me doing that with Autism. First off, I can only really guess what makes me Autistic. I can read all these books and do all this research, but at the end of the day, I’m my own person and my personality quirks may be just a personality thing that I can change or it can be something rooted deep in my coding that I can’t do anything about.
I can’t begin to describe how terrified I feel when I start to think about stuff like this. I’ve known I was different and I’ve known that I’m just on a different wave length than other people. I never gave much thought into how I was different. I don’t really think too much on it now because I like to ignore it when people treat me badly. I can’t help being Autistic any more than I can help being gay. I see negative stuff about gay people all the time and I see people being mean about Autistic people all the time too.
I’ve been doing a lot of self-care stuff these last few days and it’s really brought my mood up from a mildly depressed state to a more Zen attitude. Once I start getting all these nice and awesome things into my routine (and actually get my routine back on track again) I’ll have a much more stable mood. Which means that I’ll have more and deeper thoughts again. And that’s scary.
I’ve been so content in just getting through each day and not doing anything that my progress is reaching the point where I’m going to have to really work on some deep and hurtful shit. I love avoiding issues. I love avoiding conflict and playing the hide-all-the-emotions game. I love liking myself and being okay with who I am.
I don’t want to go soul-searching and realize that my mother should have aborted me because I’m a disabled child and I’ll always be a disabled child. Because I already feel like that sometimes.
And it kills me inside.
-The Sarcastic Autist