Therapy Frets

Hola, everyone!  I am super sore today.  I did about 45 minutes or so of semi-intense yoga/exercise ball stuff plus all my physical therapy exercises.  I’m super proud of myself.  I’ve never ever done PT stuff at home before without a lot of reminders.  I’m pretty sure it’s because I started a new Habitica account so I can start over and try to do better.  I also picked up the trash from my room and I remembered to eat.  I read a bit more from Aspergirls and I started this Boundaries book by Charles Whitfield.

I organised my stuff a little bit today and I felt so much better having done so.  I can now find pens and pencils and all my books and stuff so much easier.  One of the things I’m working on to improve my mental and emotional health is to tell one person each day that I love and appreciate them and give them reasons why.  I started with Kuma-chan the other day and I did Okaasan today.  It was harder for me to tell Okaasan that I appreciated that she isn’t a total fuckwad like my father.

I’m doing that because it helps remind me that there is good in the world and not everything is terrible and scary.  I often get so caught up in all the scary and mean and hateful things in the world that I forget about all the nice and compassionate things.  It starts a not-so-slow spiral into an isolative state for me.

I have a lot of things that I’m afraid of.  I made a whole list last week.  It’s not the entire list of things that I’m scared of but it’s a lot.  I’m nearing the end of the first phase of DBT.  I’m afraid that I’ll not be able to see Charon anymore after it.  It’s something that I should really bring up to her because I’m just bottling up that fear right now and that fear is turning into anxiety and that anxiety is making me want to give up and not continue improving.

I have a hard time truly connecting with people.  I am a friendly person and I like making people smile and being nice to them and kind and compassionate.  But when it comes to truly turning of the ‘act normal and not like an Autistic Spazoid’ it gets hard.  Like, really hard.  I’m afraid of being judged for my weirdness and that people will think I’m faking things for attention.

I know a lot of this insecurity stems from the years of abuse and the invalidation I’ve constantly received by the hands of people who claimed to care about me.  I’m also just desperate for people to like me and to go ‘oh, that Sarcastic Autist dude is one swell character to hang out with’.  I want to be approved of and validated and I get that with Charon.

She also doesn’t passively play games with me.  She doesn’t take my shit and she’s direct.  She’s patient and she’s upfront and she takes the time to explain things in ways I can understand.  Charon doesn’t offer up solutions for me but she allows me to forge my own path and she gives me some direction to how to find answers.

She’s not a perfect person.  I will be the first to admit that.  She has made a lot of mistakes with me.  I like how she admits when she’s wrong.  Not a lot of people do that.  Hell, I don’t even do that all the times.

Anyway, I’ve been worried and I’ve been fretting that I won’t be able to see Charon anymore and so I hadn’t been trying as hard as I previously did.  And I’m afraid to ask her because I’m afraid of the answer.

I’m going to be brave and I’m going to bring it up on Monday.  I hope.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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8 thoughts on “Therapy Frets

  1. Question 1 that has been bugging me for some time: Why do you feel like you MUST be/act normal? To extend this question, would there ever be a point that you can reach a point where you will be comfortable to just be yourself?

    Question 2: Is Charon leaving or is your therapy coming to an end for some reason?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Eh, it’s probably the years of abuse and people constantly telling me that I’m weird and I need to act normal or I’ll never have any friends or get any sort of relationships. I’ve been trying to get away from that mindset, but it really hurts when someone mentions something that sets me apart. It’s kind of like in the TV show Supergirl, Supergirl just wants to be normal Kara but she has super human hearing and super vision and it gets overwhelming. She’s also very smart and stuff. It sets her apart and the kids call her weird and a freak. When she gets lead glasses to help control her super vision and she learns to just be ‘normal’ and she fits in, she is happy. Until she finds her calling as Supergirl and saves people and stuff. That’s pretty awesome. But I don’t have super strength or super speed. I have super hearing and I tend to catch small details and weird details visually and I remember weird stuff but it isn’t helpful to anyone, not even me. Supergirl’s weakness is Kryptonite. My weakness is pretty much everything else.
      To fit in, to not be called a freak or a weirdo or super smart and to just be treated like everyone else, to be part of a group with no judgements and to just be on the same wavelength as other people and not have to have all these explanations and apologies as to why I’m just not getting something or to have my social dyslexia not be an issue… That’s something I can only dream about. At the end of the day, yes I have all these strengths and amazing abilities, but I have a greater number of weaknesses and inabilities. I can function as teenager developmentally, being able to do school and maybe 12 hours of work a week. I feel trapped inside my own body and mind. It makes me sad.
      Also, this bit of DBT is ending and Charon mostly deals with people coming and starting the program. I really want to ask if it’s okay if I still see her instead of having to go through the process of finding a new therapist that I like and trust but I also don’t want to push my luck.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I get like to. Like today we went out to eat my friend and his friend and me was scare because me forgot my thing that help hold forks so had need eat with fingers and me needed my music and I has so much stimming. Even him friend was worry because of me chewing mine fingers. But we did it and had yummy food and mine friend kept letting me know me was doing awesome and he’d be willing to push my transport wheelchair outside if me needed to breathe. Some people maybe look me funny but me did good and him friends was nice and try treating me like normal peer. So me believe in you.

    Liked by 1 person

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