Hola, everyone! I am super sore today. I did about 45 minutes or so of semi-intense yoga/exercise ball stuff plus all my physical therapy exercises. I’m super proud of myself. I’ve never ever done PT stuff at home before without a lot of reminders. I’m pretty sure it’s because I started a new Habitica account so I can start over and try to do better. I also picked up the trash from my room and I remembered to eat. I read a bit more from Aspergirls and I started this Boundaries book by Charles Whitfield.
I organised my stuff a little bit today and I felt so much better having done so. I can now find pens and pencils and all my books and stuff so much easier. One of the things I’m working on to improve my mental and emotional health is to tell one person each day that I love and appreciate them and give them reasons why. I started with Kuma-chan the other day and I did Okaasan today. It was harder for me to tell Okaasan that I appreciated that she isn’t a total fuckwad like my father.
I’m doing that because it helps remind me that there is good in the world and not everything is terrible and scary. I often get so caught up in all the scary and mean and hateful things in the world that I forget about all the nice and compassionate things. It starts a not-so-slow spiral into an isolative state for me.
I have a lot of things that I’m afraid of. I made a whole list last week. It’s not the entire list of things that I’m scared of but it’s a lot. I’m nearing the end of the first phase of DBT. I’m afraid that I’ll not be able to see Charon anymore after it. It’s something that I should really bring up to her because I’m just bottling up that fear right now and that fear is turning into anxiety and that anxiety is making me want to give up and not continue improving.
I have a hard time truly connecting with people. I am a friendly person and I like making people smile and being nice to them and kind and compassionate. But when it comes to truly turning of the ‘act normal and not like an Autistic Spazoid’ it gets hard. Like, really hard. I’m afraid of being judged for my weirdness and that people will think I’m faking things for attention.
I know a lot of this insecurity stems from the years of abuse and the invalidation I’ve constantly received by the hands of people who claimed to care about me. I’m also just desperate for people to like me and to go ‘oh, that Sarcastic Autist dude is one swell character to hang out with’. I want to be approved of and validated and I get that with Charon.
She also doesn’t passively play games with me. She doesn’t take my shit and she’s direct. She’s patient and she’s upfront and she takes the time to explain things in ways I can understand. Charon doesn’t offer up solutions for me but she allows me to forge my own path and she gives me some direction to how to find answers.
She’s not a perfect person. I will be the first to admit that. She has made a lot of mistakes with me. I like how she admits when she’s wrong. Not a lot of people do that. Hell, I don’t even do that all the times.
Anyway, I’ve been worried and I’ve been fretting that I won’t be able to see Charon anymore and so I hadn’t been trying as hard as I previously did. And I’m afraid to ask her because I’m afraid of the answer.
I’m going to be brave and I’m going to bring it up on Monday. I hope.
-The Sarcastic Autist