Dysfunctional Functioning

Good evening, my friends!  I hope you are all having splendiferous days!  I’ve been up since 3 am!  I have had so much caffeine that my current functionality is somewhat questionable.  I have started implementing a simple yoga routine in the mornings and a simpler one in the evenings to help get me stretched and to help me do my physical therapy exercises.  This morning, while I was reaching into my savings container for spare change for a soda-pop, I cut the side of my hand.  I reopened it after my shower because I fail so hard.

So we are all on the same page on the Charon thing, I’m nearing the end of Stage One in DBT.  That means that I’m almost done with Group.  When I’m done with Group, I’m supposed to switch therapists for someone who can deal with my PTSD better or some shit like that.  I can understand it logically.  Maybe Charon just isn’t equipped to handle my sort of shit.  And it takes a big person to admit when they can’t do something.  At the same time, I’m really sad about it.  It takes me forever to open up to people, especially new people like therapists.  It took me around 6 months to start trusting Charon.  I only really starting talking to her and reciprocating and actually engaging in stuff after I started this blog.

It took me that long with a therapist I liked.  I can’t imagine having to start all this all over.  It’s a really hard thing for me to do.  So, I’m going to ask Charon who she thinks would be a good fit for me and see if I can’t slowly transition.  I’m going to ask her about ARMHS workers next week because I struggled to convey what I was trying to tell her today about normalcy, and wanting to not be set aside as some sort of deep thinker.  I don’t like being different.  Although, I think I put it pretty good to ToadieOdie, so I may just copy/paste and email that to Charon.

I think a huge issue with feeling different is that I feel lonely.  It’s hard for me to communicate this sort of feeling because I don’t like the idea of being lonely in a group of people I’m having fun and laughing with.  It hurts.  It physically hurts my heart and makes me cry.  I often feel like I’m trapped within my body and within my own cognitive abilities and it’s hard for me to tell people that because I’m smart and I don’t really have any obvious physical disabilities.  I can socialize sometimes.  I can do maths and I can play instruments and I can do all these things and, yet, there’s just something lacking within myself.  I can’t put words in my mouth a lot of times.  I think in colours and tastes and music so it’s hard to convey what my issues are.

And there are people who tell me that, since I can speak and I can walk and I don’t look like I “have Autism”, I’m fine and I’m over-exaggerating my problems.  That my problems aren’t as bad as they could be because I’m ‘high-functioning’.  I don’t see myself as ever being able to live by myself because of my day-to-day dysfunctional behaviour.  I can sit on my computer for hours and not realize I have to pee until it’s too late because I am not aware of my body’s signals.  I will forget to eat if I’m hyper-focused on whatever thing has caught my interest.  I’ll isolate from lack of social interaction beyond a screen.

These things keep me back and there are a lot more things that I could list that prevent me from being ‘functioning’ like so many people assume I am.  And now I have a sad.

I’m going to log off for the night and pick back up tomorrow.  Blessings to you and yours.

-The Sarcastic Autist


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