Change Shutdown and Concerns

Hello, my friends and followers and random people across the web!  I am currently sitting with hair dye in my hair because I noticed I was starting to grey a little bit again.  Stress with do that to you I suppose.  I think I’m getting a cold or something because my ears keep feeling clogged and my nose is runny despite my best efforts to take all my allergy medications.  I had a pretty uneventful day and I took a really good nap.  My right shoulder hurts and I’m about to start Shark Week, but I think beyond that, I’m doing pretty well.

Except for the fact that I keep having to stave off a shutdown.  I feel like giving up and throwing in the proverbial towel and just yelling FUCK IT to the world.  “Well, Sarcastic-kun, why ever would you be feeling this way?” you may be asking.  To cut straight to the point, my dear reader, I am starting to feel overwhelmed in the sense that I’m stuck.  I feel like this is about as far as I’m going to be able to go in life.

For some reason, my case manager has been replaced by some random lady that I spoke to once.  I’m meeting her for the first time tomorrow.  I’m not excited about it at all.  I don’t like meeting new people.  I mean, I love making new friends.  I love discovering new perspectives and ways of life.  I do not like sudden change to my care team.  I don’t like sudden change to my routine at all.

As of what I know right now, I’m going to have to get a new therapist sometime during or after January.  I’m going to ask Charon if I can stay on with her because I like her and I hate change.  I am just not feeling very optimistic about it.

I had to get a new medical case manager (that I still haven’t talked to much because I’ve been avoiding her) because my old one had surgery and is no longer able to work the field.  Why do I need a medical case manager?  Well, her job was to make sure everyone was on the same page when it comes to my health and to make sure that I was getting all the services that I needed medically.  She also helped me keep track of my medications and doctor’s appointments.

I am not confident about getting my own place.  I have no real income past my disability and I can’t find a job that I think that I’d be good at and could handle and I’m not sure how to use the job corp or whatever it is so I could get help getting a job that fits my abilities.  I have some college experience but I never finished my degree.  I never even finished enough for an associates because I got overwhelmed.

I still feel very lost when I try and have conversations with people or when I try to connect on a deeper level than “hi, how are you”.  The basic pleasantries, I mean.  I am still not good at describing my emotions or describing what I want or need. I feel like a small child trying to tell his parents that he wants a cookie but not being able to describe what a cookie is.

And then I get people telling me “yes, but it could be worse.  You could not be able to talk or whatever” and just shit like that.  Well, surprise!  I don’t care if it could be worse!  I feel so very invalidated when I’m told that it could be worse because at least I’m not going through X, Y, or Z.  It’s depressing.  It takes away what I’m experiencing and invalidates it to the point where I don’t feel comfortable expressing myself when it comes to things that bother me.

I just feel like everything is pointless right now.  I feel like I have all these things that I want to do and that I want to accomplish and that I think would be so awesome and I’m trapped.  I’m trapped by my own insecurities and my own ‘ineffective’ thinking.  Sometimes I feel like I’m never going to be anything more than an adorable and quirky mascot to people.  I feel like I have no value as a person.  I’m just comic relief.  I’m just someone to ask for advice from or to complain to.

I can’t open up to other people because no one understands.  I tried talking to Okaasan about how medical professionals (like doctors) will often give me bullshit reasoning and stuff because I’m ‘special needs’.  I tried telling her how I’m treated differently than other people my age.  She doesn’t get it.  She doesn’t understand the struggle of telling a doctor that you have no idea where it hurts beyond the general stomach region.  That you can’t guess a number 1-10 on how bad it hurts.  That you can’t describe what sort of pain it is.  You can’t remember how long it’s been going on.  You don’t keep track of how often you poop or how much you sleep at night.  She doesn’t understand trying to tell someone something and not getting the words right because so many taste so similarly and there’s noises and sights and tastes that are interfering.

I don’t know.  I think I’m getting depressed again.  I’m also sort of hungry but I have no idea how much I’ve eaten today and I don’t want to go over my calorie goal.

I’m going to go chill out in the shower for a bit.  Have a wonderful day/evening/morning.

-The Sarcastic Autist`


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