Another Open Letter to My Therapist

Wow, 50 followers!  Thank you so much guys!  I am so happy.  I had PT earlier today and I slept like shit again.  I also had a smallish accident with peeing myself a bit earlier.  I’ve been trying to pay attention to when I need to go and not go as often and I just totally missed the mark on how much I needed to pee.  It happens and if I had any fucks to give I would probably be embarrassed or ashamed or something, but seeing as my daily fucks is a big fat ZERO today, I’m more upset at the inconvenience.

I had written an email to Charon, telling her about what happened yesterday.  Before I sent it, I had Kuma-chan read it and give me feedback.  Something that hadn’t occurred to me was that emailing Charon could be a boundary issue if it’s not something tiny or that she directly asked for.  I also tend to write a lot when I get going.  So I didn’t send it.  However, I spent a large amount of time on it and so I’m going to post it here and read it out loud Monday to her. If she wants a copy, I can email one to her then.  For now, I do feel a lot better having written it.  Yay for feeling better.  Anyway, without further ado:

 

Sup.  First off, let me start by saying that if this is inappropriate, please let me know.  The only reason I’m emailing you instead of leaving a long and rambling voicemail is because I’m having a hard time being verbal today and I have an easier time with reading and typing than talking and listening.

So, yesterday (Wednesday night group).  I left early.  It was too loud and too bright and the smell of the paint bothered me and I couldn’t get to a point of being able to block any of that out.  I had a lot of contributing factors leading up to not being able to process anything at that point.  My sleep is total crap right now, I’ve been dealing with a lot of new people and new environments and I apparently didn’t take my allergy medication.  It had gotten stuck in my pill box and I didn’t realize that until I got home.
Of course, these aren’t meant as excuses.  That would be silly.  After I calmed down, I did a behavioral chain thing and also did problem solving.  I went through and tried to figure out what the heck my problem was because I can’t be missing out on group, especially for something that I feel I should be able to control better at this point.
I left because I felt like I was on the verge of a meltdown.  If it was a shutdown, I would have sucked it up and stayed.  I can handle shutdowns easier.  Those are like rebooting my system.  Meltdowns are like overloading my system and, while I no longer act out like I did when I was a kid, it can still be scary for me and for anyone unfortunate enough to witness it.  I was not able to communicate what was bothering me at the time and, in the past, people have tried to calm me down by touching me or hugging me or holding my hand and that is the worst thing to do.  I know I’m crying and being weird and like a small child who’s upset.  Touching me will be the opposite of helping. (Damn it, Grandma Bob).
I guess I could have just said that I was being on the verge of a meltdown and Autism or something like that.  I mean, I wasn’t able to yesterday.  That was the issue.  I needed to leave and get to a safe space to do the meltdown and just get it out of my system.  Not being able to talk, not being able to even communicate that there’s something wrong and I need help when that’s happening is very depressing and scary and it makes me sad.  I have tried to work pass that previously and it doesn’t happen.  I hate to sound defeatist, but I’m almost 99% positive I am physically unable to communicate effectively in the middle of a meltdown.
So instead, I avoid situations that can trigger a meltdown.  I try to use coping mechanisms and copings skills that I know will work so I can function.  And I feel so stupid or like an asshole half the time when I do do them.  I will do them anyway because I feel mores stupid/asshole-ish if I’m having a meltdown.  And, unfortunately, I need to know what sort of thing I should try doing for each situation.  I cannot just hide under a desk or table and close my eyes and cover my ears and rock back and forth like a nutter in public.  I feel like that is even less appropriate than me emailing you.  As effective as it may be in chilling me out, there are other, more effective ways of dealing with getting overloaded.  And the number one best way is to not get to that point.
So, I did brainstorm a few ideas.  I can wear sunglasses inside because I don’t care if I look like a douche.  I want to ask if it’s okay if I wear earplugs or headphones with instrumental music playing on low repeat to block out that godsforsaken ticking and the slamming of doors and all that fun stuff that was causing me great amounts of distress.  For the smell, I have essential oil stuff I can put on a scarf or kerchief and that works for when I have olfactory overload.
I wanted to ask if it was okay if I can figure out a way to signal to you so I can hide in your office or something if I need to.  If I can remove myself from a stressful situation like that, I can probably calm down quicker in a safe spot and go back to group rather than just up and leave and make you and everyone else worried about me.  Normally, 5-10 minutes in a dark, quiet place gets me calmed down enough to finish whatever it is I’m supposed to get done.
I tried to come up with as many viable solutions that I could.  I want to go to group.  It would suck so bad if I had to drop out because the sensory stuff was too much for me to handle.  I’ve only a few months left and I feel like this problem, with sensory overload stuff and dealing with meltdowns instead of just accepting that my life sucks, this is like the final test for me.  If I can manage to do this one thing… If I can work this out and advocate for myself and communicate effectively and come up with solutions instead of wallowing in self-pity and giving up because shit got too real and too hard, DBT will have worked.  I will be able to proudly go “Yeah, I’m a nutter, but I’m a nutter with SKILLS”.  I will finally feel like I’m in control of my life and my actions will be actions and not reactions.
Anyway, we can talk more Monday.  I wanted to let you know what was up and what steps I was taking to solve the problem.  Because this is a Drop Bear Free Zone.
Oh, and before I forget again… I wanted to thank you for calling me and expressing concern.  I’ve been in similar situations before where I’ve left because things were getting to be too much and I got totally reamed out for it.  I mean, full on shaming and blaming and just loads of abuse for me trying to take care of me.  I don’t think I can really express how grateful and appreciative I am that you were concerned for me and not for others perceptions of me.  It makes me want to cry like I was crying yesterday, lol
Anyways… Sorry if this is inappropriate to email you.  It’s a lot easier for me to communicate like this, especially right now.
With all due respect,
The Sarcastic Autist
So, that’s that.  I haven’t had supper yet and I’m starving.  Can you guess what it is?  If you guessed ramen, you guessed right.
-The Sarcastic Autist
PS, yay, I did a boundary!
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3 thoughts on “Another Open Letter to My Therapist

  1. I think it’s great you were able to identify the issues and came up with possible solutions. If you think emailing it is potentially inappropriate then I strongly encourage you to print it off and bring it in with you to discuss with Charon the next time you see her.

    Liked by 1 person

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