On Being Worthy

Good evening, my lovelies.  My day has been pretty relaxing.  I slept for a long time.  My sleep wasn’t the greatest quality because I kept having nightmares, but at least I got sleep.  I did my yoga and home PT exercises.  I studied my Japanese.  I watched more of The Flash.  And I started reading the Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown again.

Let me just start off by saying that the first time I tried to read this book, I was put off by the author.  I thought it was some hippy dippy shit and I really thought it was a load of bull that didn’t make any sense.  The second time I tried reading it, I was looking at it from a slightly more interested viewpoint.  I thought it was interesting and brought up some really great points, but nothing super life changing.

Now, on my third attempt at reading it, I am finding it so amazing and wonderful that I’m highlighting bits and putting sticky notes on pages and writing notes in the margins.  I’ve read 30 pages today so far.  I’m understanding what the author is trying to tell me.  It’s just so amazing how far I’ve come from when I first picked up this book.

So, today’s post is about my thoughts so far.  My number one thing that I’m getting from reading this so far is that I need to be my own Superhero.  How can I be my own Superhero?  What does that even mean?  Well, what Brene Brown is saying is that we need courage to have Lives More Worth Living.  Courage.  What is Courage?  What do I picture when I think about Courage?

Superheroes.  I picture Superman and Wonder Woman and the Flash and the Martian Manhunter and Batman and Spiderman.  They are Courage.  They do what needs to be done to protect people and to keep the world safe from bad guys, even if they don’t have their powers.  They all have weaknesses and they all have at least one Superpower that they can use to help save the day.

What is my Superpower?  What are the things that I am really really good at?  I don’t know.  This is something I’m going to have to think on.  What is my Superpower?  What is my Weakness?  How can I go from trying to fit in and be normal to allowing myself to be okay in my skin and loving myself?  Who am I really?  What do I want to do?

These are all very hard questions for me.  But the hardest question for me is ‘what do I have to do to feel worthy of existing’.  And I know the answer, despite it being a hard question.  The hardness of that question isn’t so much in the question itself, but in the answer.

Worthiness is not something that is able to be earned.  I can’t do anything to be worthy of love or acceptance.  I can’t change anything about myself.  I can’t go to a class to learn how to be worthy.  I don’t have to prove that I’m capable of being ‘normal’ to be worthy.  I don’t have to push myself to the point of meltdowns and shutdowns.  There is no action or behaviour I can exhibit that will prove or earn me worthiness.

I am already worthy of love, compassion, and respect.  I am worthy of kindness.  I am worthy of acceptance.  I am worthy of being me.  I am worthy of asking for help and I am worthy of getting help.  I think I have said that word enough that it’s starting to not be a word anymore.

So, to put it a different way, there is nothing I can do that will earn me worthiness.  I deserve it.  These are fundamental rights that everyone should have and there is nothing that can earn the right to it.  I have the right to be loved as I am, with all my imperfections and all my strengths and all my weaknesses.  I have the right to be treated with compassion, even when I’m having a bad time communicating or having a meltdown or being an impossible little waffle.  I have the right to be treated with respect, even if someone doesn’t agree with my opinions or when I’m being more Autistic than usual.

I’m okay just the way I am right now, even if I don’t have all my shit together.  I am neither less nor more worthy than anyone else.  I am just as deserving of love as I believe Kuma-chan and Mama Bear and juanspinkelephant and ToadieOdie and Charon are.  I am okay the way I am and I can still improve.

I can learn to be more effective.  I can learn to communicate better.  I can stop trying and be a lazy bum for the rest of my life.  I am still worthy of love, respect, compassion, and understanding.  I can accept the way things are and still want to improve upon them without it being a negative thing.

The reason I say all this is because I said in my letter yesterday that if I can manage to deal with a situation that is a huge trigger for meltdowns, then doing DBT will have been worth it.  I’m not saying that dealing with this situation effectively won’t have been worth it, I’m saying that, even if it doesn’t work the way I want it to, I will still have accomplished improvements on getting a Life More Worth Living.

I put myself down a lot.  I constantly think to myself that if I would just act a certain way, think certain things, talk like everyone else, I would earn the right to be loved and accepted. I would be able to love myself.  I’d be able to have a Life More Worth Living and I’d have all my shit together and I’d never behave in a non-neurotypical manner again.

Obviously, that’s delusional thinking.  There’s nothing wrong with the way I am, with who I am.  Yes, there are several things that I can work on to become more effective.  I still have things that I want to accomplish and things I want to experience and goals I want to achieve.  I am not where I want to be in life yet.  And that’s okay.  I can still love myself and not be perfect.

Now, I am in no way saying that I love myself.  I don’t hate myself nearly as much as I used to, but I wouldn’t say the word ‘love’ in regards to me.  I might say a grudging acceptance to my existence rather than a full on hatred.  I would say that’s a huge improvement from a year ago.

Anyway, I’m getting tired.  I’ll be back on tomorrow.  Blessings.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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