A Brief Intro to my Shame

Hello, my friends!  I got sick this morning but I’m feeling better now.  I finally finished writing out that letter for Charon.  I also finished reading The Gifts of Imperfection.  I’m sore as all hell from my PT stuff and my body looks bruised.  I’m going to have to remember to let my physical therapist know that.

Okay, so I see Charon tomorrow.  I am nervo-cited.  That’s nervous and excited at the same time.  If I’m being completely honest, I’m also a tad bit  anxious.  I’ve been practicing what I’m going to say and wear and do tomorrow so I’m not stuttering too much.  I’m planning on wearing my panda pajamas and my elf ears because I’m going to be a shape-shifter for Halloween.

When I go see Charon for our appointment, I’m going to explain to her that I ran out of diary cards and that I’d like to quickly fill one out while she reads the letter I wrote.  I’m also going to let her know that I finished The Gifts of Imperfection.  I’m going to be bringing that book with me to show her because there’s some stuff that I want to talk about in it.

For example, the letter I wrote her, that I posted here on Thursday last week, I don’t entirely agree with what I wrote anymore.  I still sort of feel like this is a great opportunity to use some DBT skills, I just no longer feel like this is the final test for proving that DBT was worth my time.  Whether or not I’m able to effectively use the skills, DBT will have been worth it simply because it’s helped me improve and better myself.

But to discuss a point from the Gifts of Imperfections real quick, Brene Brown, the author, talks about Shame a lot.  I have huge issues with feeling shame.  I felt shame on Wednesday when I left early.  I felt shame as I was writing that letter to Charon.  I felt shame when I devoured my spaghetti tacos earlier like a pig.

One of the things Brown discusses about Shame is that Shame only holds power when you protect it.  And you protect it by not talking about it.  I haven’t really talked to Charon about my sensory issues too much because I’ve felt ashamed that I haven’t gotten the fuck over it yet.  I don’t really talk about my inability to tell when I have to pee until I have to go right the fuck now because I’m ashamed that I still piss myself every few months.  I don’t talk about my past traumas much, I don’t talk about the shame I have being Autistic or Gay often, I don’t talk about the shame I feel when I look into the mirror and see the fat-ass that I used to be behind the strange face that’s reflecting back at me.

When I come online to my blog, I am able to hide behind this mask of anonymity that allows me to overcome any feelings of Shame.  You don’t know who I am in real life (with the exception of Kuma-chan).  You don’t know what I look like, where I live, or any of that.  I’m just some random person on the internet.  That lets me say things that I couldn’t otherwise say.

Well, it’s getting late and I’m tired as all hell.  I still have to do some things before bed.  I wish you all a Happy Halloween tomorrow, and for those who practice Paganism, Merry Samhain!

-The Sarcastic Autist

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