Thursday Thoughts

Greetings, my friends! I got new shoes today.  They have the ankle support that I’m supposed to have.  I don’t walk 100% normal, although you couldn’t tell unless you were a specialist.  I also tend to stand on my ankles a lot and that tends to be bad too, according to the podiatrist.  So, in an effort to stave off getting braces, I’m going to be all proactive and wear these shoes.

I experience this weird thing with people.  I’ve been noticing it more and more lately.  I don’t know if it’s because of the way I talk or if it’s my body language or what, but strangers and even some people that I’ve known for a long time will treat me like I’m a little kid.  For example, today I got my flu shot.  I’m allergic to eggs so I have to go out and get an egg-free one.  The pharmacy lady was very nice and explained how to fill out the forms for me.  But it was in that slow, deliberate way one would use to speak to a child.

Another example is that some people, once they learn that I’m Autistic, will treat me like I’m delicate.  They’ll stop treating me like a peer and start treating me like I’m a project or like the mascot of the group or whatever.  I get treated different and I don’t like that.  It bothers me a great deal.

The reason I bring this up, and I don’t feel like I’m accurately describing my treatment from these people, is that I’m almost afraid Charon is going to start treating me different.  I’m not some fragile person who needs coddling.  I’m afraid she’s going to start being very slow and deliberate in her speech with me or she’s going to stop using ‘big words’ or she’s going to start using that ‘oh honey’ thing that people will do to convey sympathy.

I know it sounds weird.  I’m perfectly aware that I’m probably just being a bit paranoid.  I know that it’s a type of anxiety at play because I like Charon and I want to keep working with her but I think I’m a bit too broken and fucked up for her to keep dealing with.  Logically, I highly doubt that’s the issue.  I’m sure she’s subjected to people with a lot more trauma and issues in their life than me.  But anxiety isn’t always based on logic.  Sometimes, it’s just a random emotion that wants me to withdraw and hide from people.  To protect myself, so I don’t get hurt.

To avoid being Vulnerable.

Let’s face it, as open and honest as I am, I have a saying that goes “if you are open about some things, people will assume you are open about all things and not pry”.  I offer up information about my life that I don’t deem relevant or important and that helps me to keep some distance with people.  I’m afraid of being abandoned or being used.  It’s happened so many times before… I’m just scared.

I’m scared that I’ll never be good enough, never be normal enough, never be different enough.  I’m worried and I’m afraid that Charon won’t want to work with me anymore because I am stuck with the mentality and maturity of a teenager and this is about as ‘grown-up’ as I’m going to get.  She said the other week that she hated working with teens because they were forced to go to therapy and didn’t want to be there, or they were stuck in bad situations and there was nothing she could do to help.

There’s this thing I’m going to be talking to her about in our next session.  This is like, the number one bad thing that I have experienced and I don’t want to discuss it here.  I’m not sure I want to discuss it with her.  I mean, I want to.  I’m not sure if I can.  I’m not sure if I will be able to force the words out or if my stutter will stay dormant long enough.  I don’t want to write it down on a letter like I did for the sensory issue.

I also don’t want her to treat me differently for it.  Charon and I don’t really talk about the Autism thing too much.  For me, it’s just part of who I am.  I don’t know how to not be Autistic, anymore than I know how to not be Gay.  I’m never really sure how my Autism makes me different.  What I should be trying to convey to others that I’m different because of my Autism in.  I say ‘because Autism’ when I want to explain why I did something that confuses others because I don’t know why it’s confusing for them.

I don’t know… I’m not getting enough sleep and I’ve been nonstop go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go this week.

I’m just wanting some Unplugged Quiet Time and a nap.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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9 thoughts on “Thursday Thoughts

  1. New shoes with great support is always nice. ^_^

    And I don’t think Charon changing the way she treats you should be an issue. She sees your records and knows you are Autistic and doesn’t treat you that way yet, so why would she suddenly do it now? I think you are safe there. She sounds like a very good therapist.

    As for your trauma, speak when you’re ready. You don’t owe anyone that story, not even Charon. Healing takes time.

    Think of how the caterpillar takes the time to make the cocoon and grows inside it to become a butterfly. Even then it has to break free from the cocoon all on its own or it will die – even if someone helps it. The reason is if it’s not strong enough to break free then it isn’t ready to come out. It’s not time yet. And if it’s made to come out before it’s ready it will harm the butterfly.

    So don’t rush your healing. Don’t feel pressured into rushing. If you feel that it’s truly time, then do it. ❤ But don't ever feel like you must do it because someone else says you must. Only when the soul says it's time is when it's truly time. All things have a season, place, and time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Honestly, most of the time I work really hard to have some semblance of ‘normal’. I make sure that I don’t do any of my blatantly obvious stims. I will bite my lip in order to prevent making the weird noises. The worst I’ve done lately is rocking back and forth, and most people just assume that I’m bored when I do that. Or that I just need to reposition myself.
      I’ve been going back to chewing on spoons (spoons help me concentrate) and I’ll sort of sway, but again, nothing really that screams ‘Autism’. Writing that letter to Charon was like really opening up and going ‘I’m not as okay as I look on the outside’. I’m verbal and I manage to talk to people and get them to understand me, but I don’t feel like it’s communicating. For me, communicating is being able to understand and be understood. Most of the time, I just feel like I can’t help others understand because the words get jumbled in my throat and mouth.
      And yes, she is a good therapist. I consider her my best therapist ever. Seeing as I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 6, that’s saying a lot. That’s part of the reason I feel comfortable telling her this thing. I feel like she’s earned the right to hear it. I just don’t know how to communicate the thing proper.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I have no doubt. I have yet to speak to any therapist in serious detail about my traumas. I’ve mentioned it in therapy. I’m mentioned on my blog. But that’s as far as it ever goes. And perhaps that’s as far as I need to go, I don’t know. I would say then that if you feel ready and it’s hard to say it all, try it a little at time. I’m finding that each time I do talk about it, I tell a little more and it’s a little easier.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Have I told you to go read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown yet? You should. I mean, I suggest reading it. She is a shame researcher and a majority of my issues are rooted in shame. And my inability to communicate properly just further elevates the shame and it becomes a vicious cycle. But the number one thing that I’ve learned about Shame is that it only holds power the closer I hold the Shame to me. It’s sort of like when I’m depressed. If I forced myself to keep going and talk to people, I won’t be as depressed. But if I sit around and mope all day and succumb to the heaviness and the sadness, the depression is all I have and it gets harder and harder to escape.

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      • That’s an interesting thought. I wonder if that applies to Bipolar as well? I suppose it might depend on what is causing the depression? If something specific triggered it – like an event, then yes I could see this applying. But for Bipolar many times the depression comes immediately after a manic episode. Like the brain has burnt itself out from a huge self created high. So unless you have done something horrible during your manic phase, I’m not sure how shame comes into play there?

        Liked by 1 person

      • I guess it’s because I feel a lot of shame being Autistic and Gay and Nonbinary and that makes me feel depressed, because I don’t always want to be those. Heck, most of the time I would give anything to be NT and straight and at least a little bit girly feeling. I have a hard time interacting with the world and that makes me feel shame for that, because my Autism is what is causing that miscommunication and bad ineffective interactions. There’s just a lot of things that I’ve done or have had done to me that make me sad and ashamed. I try very hard not to be and that makes it worse. So, that’s my reasoning. She also makes a lot of really good points besides that, it’s just what I took out of it. I could find you a PDF copy of it if you would like.

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      • I can’t say I have never felt shame I’m just saying that my depression isn’t always because of shame I don’t think. And I can certainly see how you would be depressed if you felt ashamed of who you are. That really sucks. 😦 I can also somewhat imagine how life experiences have brought you to that point and that upsets me. I feel that if your experiences had been more accepting of you as you were in the first place then the shame you feel now wouldn’t exist at all. You are you and you were born as you. There is nothing wrong with you being you. If there had honestly been something wrong with that, then you would have either been born as someone else or not born at all. And it kills me when I hear people trying to say otherwise. Remember what I said about being true to your authentic self. Let that be your light and don’t let the rest of the world define you.

        Liked by 1 person

      • It’s like, I don’t know if my life would be better if I was born NT or straight. It might have been worse. I have no clue. I don’t know how to be different than who I already am and that’s okay. I just don’t like the looks people give me or the sinking feeling I get whenever I don’t understand something and I know it’s something I should understand. I don’t like people telling me that I’m going to hell or that I’m an ‘inspiration’ or anything like that. I don’t like it when people put me down as my gayness and my autism being my entire identity. I know I come across that way a lot on here, but that’s because I talk about my issues a lot on here. I’m a bibliophile, superhero nerd, chess enthusiast, friendly and compassionate person. I love to make people laugh and I love share ideas and interests and sit alone in my room. It’s when the weird shit that I do, like hand flapping or chewing on spoons or that weird facial tic thing I got, that people give me those looks and I know they just feel bad for me. It’s when I’m struggling with words and someone invalidates me by saying my words are fine and I’m screaming in my head because they just don’t understand that the words aren’t the right words and therefore aren’t conveying the right message. Or when I can’t speak at all because I’ve shut down and gone nonverbal and my vocal cords don’t seem to work at all. Those are the things that make me feel shame. And it’s weird, because I don’t want to change who I am in the core of it all, I just wish I wasn’t me. Does that make sense?

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      • It does and the only thing I have to say to that is: it’s not your problem, it’s theirs. It’s all on them. It’s their views and their perceptions – none of that is yours to carry. You don’t need to carry that for them. I can’t say this is what’s causing you to wish you weren’t you, but I do know from experience that trying to be someone you are not brings unneeded complications, unhappiness, and pain.

        Liked by 1 person

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