Greetings, my friends! I got new shoes today. They have the ankle support that I’m supposed to have. I don’t walk 100% normal, although you couldn’t tell unless you were a specialist. I also tend to stand on my ankles a lot and that tends to be bad too, according to the podiatrist. So, in an effort to stave off getting braces, I’m going to be all proactive and wear these shoes.
I experience this weird thing with people. I’ve been noticing it more and more lately. I don’t know if it’s because of the way I talk or if it’s my body language or what, but strangers and even some people that I’ve known for a long time will treat me like I’m a little kid. For example, today I got my flu shot. I’m allergic to eggs so I have to go out and get an egg-free one. The pharmacy lady was very nice and explained how to fill out the forms for me. But it was in that slow, deliberate way one would use to speak to a child.
Another example is that some people, once they learn that I’m Autistic, will treat me like I’m delicate. They’ll stop treating me like a peer and start treating me like I’m a project or like the mascot of the group or whatever. I get treated different and I don’t like that. It bothers me a great deal.
The reason I bring this up, and I don’t feel like I’m accurately describing my treatment from these people, is that I’m almost afraid Charon is going to start treating me different. I’m not some fragile person who needs coddling. I’m afraid she’s going to start being very slow and deliberate in her speech with me or she’s going to stop using ‘big words’ or she’s going to start using that ‘oh honey’ thing that people will do to convey sympathy.
I know it sounds weird. I’m perfectly aware that I’m probably just being a bit paranoid. I know that it’s a type of anxiety at play because I like Charon and I want to keep working with her but I think I’m a bit too broken and fucked up for her to keep dealing with. Logically, I highly doubt that’s the issue. I’m sure she’s subjected to people with a lot more trauma and issues in their life than me. But anxiety isn’t always based on logic. Sometimes, it’s just a random emotion that wants me to withdraw and hide from people. To protect myself, so I don’t get hurt.
To avoid being Vulnerable.
Let’s face it, as open and honest as I am, I have a saying that goes “if you are open about some things, people will assume you are open about all things and not pry”. I offer up information about my life that I don’t deem relevant or important and that helps me to keep some distance with people. I’m afraid of being abandoned or being used. It’s happened so many times before… I’m just scared.
I’m scared that I’ll never be good enough, never be normal enough, never be different enough. I’m worried and I’m afraid that Charon won’t want to work with me anymore because I am stuck with the mentality and maturity of a teenager and this is about as ‘grown-up’ as I’m going to get. She said the other week that she hated working with teens because they were forced to go to therapy and didn’t want to be there, or they were stuck in bad situations and there was nothing she could do to help.
There’s this thing I’m going to be talking to her about in our next session. This is like, the number one bad thing that I have experienced and I don’t want to discuss it here. I’m not sure I want to discuss it with her. I mean, I want to. I’m not sure if I can. I’m not sure if I will be able to force the words out or if my stutter will stay dormant long enough. I don’t want to write it down on a letter like I did for the sensory issue.
I also don’t want her to treat me differently for it. Charon and I don’t really talk about the Autism thing too much. For me, it’s just part of who I am. I don’t know how to not be Autistic, anymore than I know how to not be Gay. I’m never really sure how my Autism makes me different. What I should be trying to convey to others that I’m different because of my Autism in. I say ‘because Autism’ when I want to explain why I did something that confuses others because I don’t know why it’s confusing for them.
I don’t know… I’m not getting enough sleep and I’ve been nonstop go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go this week.
I’m just wanting some Unplugged Quiet Time and a nap.
-The Sarcastic Autist