Animal crackers are vegan and that bothers me way more than it should. I’m laughing and crying over my obsession with it. I’ve decided to go ahead with the Twitter thing and oh my various heathen gods, I am so fucking confused. I also got my books and my new phone case delivered today. I’m happy about that.
But onto why I’m posting so early today. It’s not the desire to switch up my routine, although that is part of it. It’s because I am feeling like such shit right now. I tried really hard to get the words to tell Charon about the thing and I couldn’t do it. I wasted so much of her time and my time and I just… I just want to cry. I’ve been on the verge of tears several times.
I keep telling myself that I did my best. I tried my hardest. It’s just a thing that’s hard to talk about. It’s just Drop Bears and nutella. It’s okay.
But I don’t feel that way. I feel very much ashamed and sad and depressed and like a failure. On the way home, I got the sudden desire to cut again and that only furthered the feeling of shame and resentment that I have for myself right now. This is after I decided that I’m no longer fat so I can joke about eating unhealthy food. After I spent the last few days feeling very proud of myself because the scale moved up but I didn’t have the urge to purge.
I’ve accomplished a lot. I don’t feel suicidal this fall. I did manage to tell Charon a bit more about my history and shit. But the one thing that I had been psyching myself up for to tell her, to let go of, to finally lay to rest… It wouldn’t come out. I wouldn’t let it.
I wasn’t anxious. A bit nervous. My face felt hot. The pressure in my chest was like a lead ball rolling around. I wasn’t anxious. Maybe I still feel ashamed. Maybe I still blame myself. I don’t know.
All I know is that I feel gods awful and I just want to curl up and cry. I hate myself for not doing what I promised myself I’d do. I hate that I allowed myself avoid talking about real shit. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
But mostly, I just hate myself right now.
I’m going to sign off for the night.
-The Sarcastic Autist
(Yes, I am in a safe place, mentally. I’m not going to harm myself outside normally prescribed stims/spazzes such as wrist banging and stuff. No cutting or any of that and no suicidal stuff. I just need to not be online right now.)