Gods Damn It

Animal crackers are vegan and that bothers me way more than it should.  I’m laughing and crying over my obsession with it.  I’ve decided to go ahead with the Twitter thing and oh my various heathen gods, I am so fucking confused.  I also got my books and my new phone case delivered today.  I’m happy about that.

But onto why I’m posting so early today.  It’s not the desire to switch up my routine, although that is part of it.  It’s because I am feeling like such shit right now.  I tried really hard to get the words to tell Charon about the thing and I couldn’t do it.  I wasted so much of her time and my time and I just… I just want to cry.  I’ve been on the verge of tears several times.

I keep telling myself that I did my best.  I tried my hardest.  It’s just a thing that’s hard to talk about.  It’s just Drop Bears and nutella.  It’s okay.

But I don’t feel that way.  I feel very much ashamed and sad and depressed and like a failure.  On the way home, I got the sudden desire to cut again and that only furthered the feeling of shame and resentment that I have for myself right now.  This is after I decided that I’m no longer fat so I can joke about eating unhealthy food.   After I spent the last few days feeling very proud of myself because the scale moved up but I didn’t have the urge to purge.

I’ve accomplished a lot.  I don’t feel suicidal this fall.  I did manage to tell Charon a bit more about my history and shit.  But the one thing that I had been psyching myself up for to tell her, to let go of, to finally lay to rest… It wouldn’t come out.  I wouldn’t let it.

I wasn’t anxious.  A bit nervous.  My face felt hot.  The pressure in my chest was like a lead ball rolling around.  I wasn’t anxious.  Maybe I still feel ashamed.  Maybe I still blame myself.  I don’t know.

All I know is that I feel gods awful and I just want to curl up and cry.  I hate myself for not doing what I promised myself I’d do.  I hate that I allowed myself avoid talking about real shit.  I hate it.  I hate it.  I hate it.

But mostly, I just hate myself right now.

I’m going to sign off for the night.

-The Sarcastic Autist

(Yes, I am in a safe place, mentally.  I’m not going to harm myself outside normally prescribed stims/spazzes such as wrist banging and stuff.  No cutting or any of that and no suicidal stuff.  I just need to not be online right now.)

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8 thoughts on “Gods Damn It

  1. I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way right now. Be it a drop bear or not it’s still shitty. However I’m proud of you for making this much progress. Think of how far you’ve come in the last year. And you keep on getting better cause you keep trying. That is so amazing. I hope you can get past this soon and more than anything I hope you feel better. I love you lots.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think that you underestimate the power of being able to verbalise what you’re going through and I don’t think you give yourself enough credit for that. Also everybody struggles to talk about stuff that’s sensitive so if you’re not talking about it as quickly as you’d like to with your mate then don’t beat yourself up over it. In fact you shouldn’t hate yourself for it. It sounds like you’re doing okay, so pat yourself on the back and just regroup your thoughts for when you’re ready to talk next.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It took me a while to approve your message. At first, I didn’t want to because I find, while you do have great points, what you are saying and how I’m interpreting it is very invalidating. However, I feel very strongly about freedom of speech and I figure that I may just need to clarify some things on my end and ask that you clarify things on yours.
      I verbalize. I talk a lot and I talk fast and I talk in a bunch of different languages. I also stutter and struggle with ‘r’ sounds. I admit, that’s still verbalizing. It’s just that it’s hard for me to say things that I haven’t practiced over and over and over again. If I want to come up with a new sentence, I have to be very careful and deliberate with how each word shapes itself in my mouth and how it shapes the sentence as a whole. If I start to stutter, I suddenly have to rearrange the entire sentence to accomodate that. Sometimes, the stutter is so bad that I just nod or smile or do other signals that indicate my position rather than attempting to force my words out. I’ve gotten loads better at it over the years but I still see it as lacking, especially compared to my written words.
      And I’m perfectly aware that I compare myself to others so I feel a bit like a hypocrite for saying this, but I’m not everybody else. I’m me. I feel bad. There is no should or shouldn’t when it comes to emotions. There is reasonable and unreasonable, effective and ineffective, but no right or wrong ways to feel. I really hate when someone tells me what I should or shouldn’t be feeling. I feel what I feel. I don’t have to be ruled by my emotions. I don’t have to ignore them. They exist. But there is no should or should not when it comes to emotions.
      I do appreciate your input and I think I get what you are trying to say and I’m sure you are just trying to be helpful and supportive. I just happen to be very big on semantics and the way language is structured. I have a bit of an obsession with linguistics. So I apologize if I’m being a bit bitchy. I’m sure I’m just taking this the wrong way.

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    • One of the awesome things that I like to say is that one takes offense, you cannot give it. Me having issue with your wording is me being a raging arsehole for some stupid reason, and I feel like I should be the one apologizing. I’ve been very angry lately and lashing out randomly and I am sorry for that. It’s actually a brilliant comment and I have it archived in my ‘save this comment’ document. So no worries, I’m not mad at you and I was only pissy about it for like a day, which means it was all drop bears and I was being a bitch.

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      • That’s okay. I hope this anger doesn’t consume you too much. Reading your blog I see you have enough going on in your life and head so I can understand how you might be pissy sometimes. I hope things are a bit more positive for you soon. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh yes. I’m going tons better now. I don’t often get angry any more because I’ve learned how to identify more emotions and to express them a bit better. Sometimes I still fall back into just getting mad instead of trying to communicate. It’s easier. Way less effective, but easier.

        Liked by 1 person

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