Hello, all. I’m sorry that I had gone away for a bit and that this is just a short update. I am doing well and I’m alive. I guess I should say that I’m doing better. I’m not well, at least not as well as I wish I was, but I’m not as bad off as I was last week.
I did manage to tell Charon the Thing and I don’t regret it. I’m more worried about having to talk about it in the future, but for right now, she said that I should focus on just getting through the rest of this month. I agree with her on that. November is always such a shit month for me and this year is particularly bad because I’m refusing to escape into drugs and alcohol and cutting/self-injurious behaviour and such. I’ve always just survived. This year, I’m planning on overcoming, if only a little bit.
Actually, I’m just ready to get the fuck over this bullshit. All of it. I’m tired of holding my hurts inside and not doing anything about them. I’m tired of falling into the Avoidance Abyss, ignoring all my problems and denying that the past still affects me and not taking control over my life.
But right now, today, in this moment, I just want to get by. I want to fight enough to survive just for today, just for right now, and focus on the rest later, when my emotions aren’t so volatile and my heart isn’t so raw and my mind is clearer.
So, Charon had asked me if I was ready to start doing phase 2 in DBT, which is trauma recovery. I said yes. I’m not so sure though. Mostly because I’m afraid I’m not strong enough. I’m afraid I’m not brave enough. And I don’t want to deal with the nightmares anymore. It is all overwhelming right now.
On a happier note, I got by in group today without wearing earplugs. They put in a fan that reminds me of the noises at home and that made me feel so much better and at ease because it reminded me of my bedroom. I even relaxed and let myself spaz/stim. I am a bit concerned that I had what I call a ‘mini seizure’ where my body shakes for a second or two and my arm jerks out. I haven’t had one in a while and I’m a bit afraid that that means I’m going to have a real seizure soon. I’ve gone several months without having one, but with all the stress in my life right now, I can totally see my body fucking with me.
Ah well. Shit happens. We will return to the regularly scheduled blog posts tomorrow. For today, I am very tired. Good night and I appreciate all of you.
-The Sarcastic Autist