Hello! I’m feeling a bit better today in that I managed to get through my exercises and I slept most of the day. I don’t know what’s going on anymore with my physical health. I have really bad pain when I press down on my pelvic area. I have random aches and pains and soreness and that weird auric deep pressure sound like I’m going to pass out keeps coming and going out of my right ear. I’m keeping an eye out for any signs of mini or full on seizures and also beginnings of migraines. I’m trying to figure out dietary intake that may have affected me and all I can come up with is a decrease in ramen. Decrease in ramen generally means an increase in foods like spaghetti, sandwiches, enchiladas, and burritos. However, I’m thinking about all the food I’ve been eating and am not seeing enough fruits. Plenty of veggies, not enough fruits.
Oh well. The last thing I wanted to squeeze in before today’s rant is that I’ve finally gotten to N2 in Japanese! There are 5 levels that you can test in, N5 being the easiest one and N1 being the hardest. Starting N2 is so exciting for me. I’m super stoked.
I know I’ve just recently talked about communication issues that I deal with. I feel like I should be a bit more specific. It’s not just words. Even though words make a huge part communication, the unspoken “body language” is a bigger part. And then there is how people perceive you and how you perceive people and emotions and social shit and all sorts of stuff that confuses the heck out of me.
I don’t know what I want to focus on right now, so I’m just going to start with a story. The other week, I volunteered at a church event. I stayed after to help put stuff away. I asked what they wanted me to do. “Help put stuff away”. I’m not a mind reader. I have no idea what the fuck that means. So, they pointed to a table and said to put it away. There was stuff on the table. I said there was stuff on the table and therefore I couldn’t put it away. Right after the lady was telling me to move the stuff (it was just a few papers, but I can’t put the table away if there’s stuff on it) and I was about to ask for the next step, someone saw that I was struggling to figure out what the fuck was going on and had me help count money.
The entire exchange was fast. It felt like it was taking forever and I felt my heart drop to the pits of my stomach and I knew that there was something I wasn’t getting. There were little kids that were doing what I was supposed to be doing and I was not able to. It made me sad and like, what’s the point? How am I supposed to work if I can’t even put away a table?
But then, when we were counting money, the lady that pulled me away and had me help kept asking me for the totals of everything, like 5 $1 bills and 10$5 dollar bills and 23 quarters is what total sort of thing. I would just rattle off the answer while the other finance person was using a calculator. It made me feel good about myself. I’m a human calculator (at least with simple stuff like that). It’s pretty awesome.
I’m often told that I come across as innocent and childish. I’m blunt and lack tact and, as one of the ladies in group said “that’s just Sarcastic Autist, you get used to her and learn to love her.” It’s nice to hear and it still hurts. I don’t know how to change to stop being so childish in my behaviour. It took me forever to learn to talk in ways that other people could understand and I still struggle at times.
The more I’m thinking on it, the more I’m starting to believe that it’s not just communication issues at hand here. Obviously, the whole issue is the weird brain connections I have because Autism. Which reminds me.
I was once asked why I don’t say Asperger’s and instead call it Autism. Besides the DSM 5 having gotten rid of Asperger’s, it’s all the same to me. Some people prefer to say “with Autism” and some people prefer to say “Autistic individual”. I say Autistic because saying I have Autism is like saying I have the Gay. It sounds weird and it also sounds like it’s something that can be fixed. “I have a cold”. “I’ve got long hair”. “I’ve got an alarmingly large amount of pepperoni taped to my body”. Those things can change. “I’m smart”. “I’m kind”. “I’m amazing”. “I’m Autistic”. Those are things that describe me.
I’m gay. I’m autistic. I’m super awesome amazing fun sauce with a slice of sweet smiles and laughs. I’m a drug addict. I’m Asian American. I’m nonbinary genderfluid. I have terrible peopling skills. I have a weird bruise on my leg again. I have nightmares a lot. I have sadness and I have suffering and I have happiness and I have joy. All things in life are fleeting.
But the way I am inside is not. I will not be straight (probably) ever. I will not be non-autistic. It’s just the way I am and so it bothers me when other people try and dictate how I say it. Charon tried pulling that on me once and I ripped her a new one. If I can accept some weird fact about my life and just radically accept it, acknowledge and embrace it, whether or not I like it, I have every right to call it whatever the fuck I want.
Which is also why I call it spazzing and not stimming.
I think I totally got off topic, but this is what’s been bothering me lately. I’m hungry and I want french fries.
-The Sarcastic Autist