Oh my various gods, why is it so cold. It’s freezing. I’ve lost too much weight. I should pack on the pounds again. And then eat sticks, mud, and grass and hibernate for the winter. I’m kidding. I’m gaining a lot of muscle (as in I have an actual butt now and no longer qualify as lack-an-ass-ical). I’m not 100% what my calorie intake is, but it ranges between 1000-1800 a day, depending on activity level and how many chips I have on hand. I have no self-control when it comes to chips.
I just took a melatonin in hopes that it will help me sleep but not fuck with my day time awakedness. I took about a quarter of a pill, I think the dosage is 1mg. I’m also out of Vitamin D3.
Something I noticed last night was that, as I was struggling to sleep, I kept feeling a pounding in my head and thought I was getting a headache, until I noticed the drums. Some asshole is playing drums late at night around here and with my sensitivities to vibrations and sound (because sound is basically just vibrations anyway), it’s totally fucking with my sleep. I don’t want to make a noise complain because I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who can hear it. It’s very dulled down and quiet, just not for me. It gives me headaches and sort of causes a weird ‘deep vibration’ mode with me. If it wasn’t for the vibrations from the music, if it was just the sound, I’d pop in earplugs and be done with it. Ah, I’ll figure something out.
Something I take comfort in is knowing that life is built upon fleeting moments. The impermanence of happiness, of sadness, of fear, pain, joy, excitement… It lets me be more mindful of the moment. It’s like, for example, when I have a happy moment. I can relish the happy and be grateful for it. But when I’m in pain, or when I am sad, I am comforted by the thought that it too, shall pass. It’s sort of weird, but it’s one of my favourite mantras right now.
Live in the moment because the Present is all we have. That doesn’t mean I can’t look back on the past and learn from it or that I shouldn’t plan for the future. It just means that I need to be grateful for the here and now because this is what I’m experiencing. The future is all Drop Bear Territory. The Past is also Drop Bear Territory. I can only really affect change in the present.
I can’t look back and have regrets and live anchored to mistakes and shame and traumatic experiences. That isn’t living. I can’t always be fretting about the what ifs and the then whats of the future either. This is me now. This is the reality that I live in.
Another thing I like to think about is that I can’t change the past. The past is done and over with and what is done is done. It is the clay that has been set in the kiln and fired. There is no altering it. The present moment is me shaping the clay. And the future is all the possibilities that the clay could become.
I don’t know. I feel like I’m rambling and also I’m suddenly really tired. Wow. I suddenly remembered why I hate taking sleeping drugs.
-The Sarcastic Autist