I started crying because I forgot to make coffee this morning to put in the fridge for my evening coffee protein shake. I started crying during my end stretches and then cried more in the shower and then I cried and laughed on the phone with Kuma-chan. It’s so stupid to be sad about that but at the same time, it wasn’t just that.
I had a long bitch session with Charon today about how I hate my body because I hate how I come across as cute and innocent and like a little kid. Also because I look rather female-y in my face and that bothers me. I’d been thinking about doing hormone replacement therapy to be more Androgynous presenting, but I’m kind of loathe to do that. Mostly because I don’t like hair. I do not want facial hair and I don’t want my voice to be very deep.
My least favourite thing about being female is the bleeding from my vagina. I loved not bleeding from my vagina and was 100% okay with not taking HRT at all. Now that I’ve started them again, I notice that, while I get even more annoyingly chipper during my period, at the opposite end of the month, I fall into a deeper depression. I dread having to watch gross shit down there. I’m now planning on talking to my gyno about just NOT having periods because it affects my mental health. It’s not PMS. It’s just this deep seeded despair and hatred, utter loathing for it.
I think that, once I stop having periods again, I’ll be in a better spot mentally. There is a Birth Control pill designed specifically to take 365(366 if it’s a leap year) days a year. No periods. Short of that, I don’t know. I’m going to do more research and stuff for it.
Another thing I wanted to blog about today is that I have absolutely no direction when it comes to therapy sessions. I know what my end game is. The “Goal” so to speak. I just don’t know what to talk about week by week and I normally let Charon take the lead. Maybe it’s an Executive Dysfunction thing, I don’t know. I’m not a professional. Maybe it’s just because Autism. (Managed to use that as an excuse with Charon today finally. Took long enough. She said that it was “a valid explanation of the matter at hand”.)
So, my plan is to take my “Let it Go” book and make a list of things that I need to radically accept and make an itinerary like the silly waffle nerd that I am and give her a copy of each week’s agenda. I’m going to start with what’s already in there (because I completely spaced on why I had it and proceeded to not use it).
Charon also really made me feel validated today because she said that my writing style is very much different than my speaking style. My writing tends to be very on point and have clear cut direction. Yes, I wander around a lot, but I stick to the same basic topic and have smoothish transitions. It made me feel a lot less crazy and more confident that I can figure shit out.
Not much else to say past all that right now. I actually rather like the low dose melatonin that I took last night and am planning on taking another pill a bit later. It helped me stay asleep, although I have a vague memory of waking up and eating a piece of bread with jelly. Also something about cat poop.
-The Sarcastic Autist