I Have a Sad

Guys, I’ve been very anxious and spazztastic today.  I was doing the stim thing a lot in group and kept being disruptive (at least in my eyes).  I don’t like that.  I’ve been having an especially hard time lately and I feel bad that I’ve been acting out and I don’t know how to stop.

I realize what I’m doing.  I know what I’m doing in the moment is not what I want to be doing.  I am reacting without thinking.  On one hand, I managed to keep myself restrained from doing too much talking and spazzing out.  On the other hand, I was still pretty bad.

When we shared homework, I had rehearsed what to say.  I simply had to read from my paper and that was that.  I kept adding irrelevant information for some reason that I don’t understand and I was struggling to keep my stutter under control.

During actual group time, when we were supposed to be learning stuff, I was not participating thoughtfully.  I would say things that were a little inappropriate or needlessly silly.  I don’t know why I did and I couldn’t stop myself half the time.  I was in a very heightened state of mind.

It was kind of loud.  I asked for the fan to be put on because it’s calming and it’s easier for me to hear people over a fan but I could hear the fucking clock again.  I couldn’t last week, but there was a lot more people in group last week.

I don’t like that Charon has effectively told everyone about my sensory issues now.  It’s not that big of a deal and I don’t want to make it a big deal.  They see me with earplugs and I’ve told them that I don’t like the noises in the room.  But I kind of feel like I should be able to say if something is bothering me rather than her interjecting it.  Maybe because I’m paranoid that she’s going to treat me different now that I’ve openly talked to her about the Autism thing rather than talking about the ‘symptoms’.

Let’s just outright say it: if it wasn’t for my Autism, I probably wouldn’t have half the problems I have.  Autism impairs my ability for social interaction, for processing anything, being able to clean and cook and just in general take care of myself without outside assistance, Alexithymia (link courtesy of juanspinkelephant, go check out their blog), the seizures, tics, lack of body awareness… The list just goes on.

I’d like to remind everyone at this point that Autism is a diagnosis achieved by meeting certain criteria.  Autism presents itself differently in every person.  It’s also a neurological thing which means that medication can’t be used to treat it, only the secondary issues that tend to come with it.  So, while I may not always be okay with being Autistic, I accept that I am and that the word itself is just a label so I can get better treatment for my shit.  Also so I can seek out others that deal with the same issues I do.

I’ve been diagnosed with a bunch of random shit over the years.  Autism is the only one (besides Endometriosis, which doesn’t count because it’s not a mental/neurological thing) that fits perfect.  I can point to a book about Autism and say “that is me”, even if it’s not all 100% things that I go through, I can relate to most of it.  I can understand other people on the Spectrum better than I can people not on the Spectrum.  It’s sort of weird.  But I digress.

I just feel really sad and scared right now.  I don’t like being treated different.  It’s a huge reason why I don’t like socializing.  I’m also having a lot of nightmares and flashbacks and shit lately and I just don’t know how I’m going to deal with all of this without breaking.

I think I mostly want to go back to avoiding all my issues and not dealing with them because dealing with them is scary.  It makes the problem real.  It shows that I’m not as awesome as I want people to think I am, that I’m flawed and that I’m not as put together and adultish as I seem (which is pretty bad, because I don’t put off any adult vibes).  I don’t want to be seen as some sort of broken or damaged person, stained and disgusting.

I really hate myself right now.  I wish I wasn’t such a fucking twat waffle.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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