Hello, my friends! Oddly enough, Thanksgiving wasn’t that bad. It was loud and noisy and I hated every second of the stomping that my family does. It bothered me that everyone treated me different than the other kids, with the exceptions of Book. It really bothered me that they cut up Book’s chicken steak thingy for him. He’s 15 years old and he’s perfectly capable of handling a butter knife or something to cut it. They baby him too much. However, since he and I both have special diets (him mostly because of the Autism and me because Autism and allergies), there was a lot of planning involved for our dinners. I ate at home and then had some poorly cooked broccoli and pie that made me sick. Would not do so again. No more pie.
What’s been on my mind today is that, again, I’ve been wanting to quit therapy. Why? Because I told Charon about the thing and I feel guilty and ashamed because I don’t like putting that sort of stress and drama in people’s lives. Which is such a freaking weird thing because she’s a therapist. She’s supposed to deal with my stress and drama. That’s why I see her. Another reason I’ve been wanting to quit therapy is because I don’t want to deal with it anymore.
What is ‘it’, you’re probably asking? Well, ‘it’ is everything. I don’t want to keep trying to be effective. I don’t like how I fail a lot and that I’m more aware of my deficits. I don’t like that I finally decided to learn more about Autism and how it applies to me rather than just taking the word at face value. I can learn to act less Autistic, to put forth a more Neurotypical front, but I’ll always be Autistic, just like the gay thing. I can act less gay but I’ll always be gay. I don’t want to keep putting forth effort. I don’t want to face my problems and I don’t want to acknowledge that they exist and I don’t want to accept any of this bullshit.
So, with all this anger and frustration and sadness that I have about this entire thing, I validate it. It’s totally 100% valid. It’s even justifiable. I have every reason to be upset about therapy and it’s totally justifiable to want to quit because of being upset. However, I couldn’t in good conscience do that because I like the validation I get from doing therapy.
My life sucks. I have a lot of issues. Charon listens to those issues and calls me out on my bullshit and Willfulness and she also helps me learn how to cope effectively. I know now how to do a lot of things I didn’t think was possible. Hell, I can do a lot of those things and do them well. I also trust Charon. Not as much as I trust Kuma-chan, but still, I do trust her. I don’t often trust people like that anymore. I have a long history of people betraying that trust.
Anyway, so I spent the last few days reminding myself of what DBT has taught me, or what I’ve learned while doing DBT. I’m making a list and I want to put in a lot of thought rather than just post whatever comes to mind like I normally do on here.
So, please forgive me the small post today. I want to work on that list a bit more and then I need to get some sleep because I’m very tired. Thank you all for your time and have a pleasant weekend.
-The Sarcastic Autist