Hello, my dear readers and friends! I’ve made it to my 201st post now! Yay! I’ve got over 60 followers and I’m just so happy today. I had spaghetti tacos because spaghetti tacos always make me feel better. I even have a song for spaghetti tacos. Because spaghetti tacos make everything better.
I have an appointment with my gynecologist on the 16th and I think I might just wait until then to talk to her about this bleeding. Okaasan had a bleeding disorder with her period thing (Atypical hypoplasia, I think it was called) and had to get gutted like a fish. At least that’s what I call it. She had to get a full hysterectomy. I don’t want to get a full hysterectomy because I don’t want to be on hormones or go through menopause. I won’t do Hormone Replacement Therapy for the same reason. Well, that and the facial hair.
I digress. I’m just going to wait and see what the doctor thinks. I do know that having periods negatively impacts my mental health and that bothers me. I want to know my options.
On another note. I’m slowly working on that “What I learned in DBT is” project I started. It sort of reminded me of that one episode of Spongebob. I thought it was funny so that’s what I named my project.
Mostly, I’ve had to get reminding myself that I can get through this. I’ve been having a harder time than normal lately. I’ve been feeling very angry and frustrated and sad and ashamed and like I’m not worthy of anything. I’ve felt like a trouble maker and a loser and, to quote a thing from Kuma-chan, “a fatty mcfat-ass”. I’ve been wanting to lash out at people and isolate from everyone and just give up on everything.
I’ve really been craving to go back to drugs. I miss the illusion of not caring. I miss the soft grey fog that I was constantly in. The numbing and the dissociation from reality. The not having to deal with shit and not having to face reality. I miss the disconnection.
But that’s not me anymore. That’s not the way I want to live. I’ve worked really hard and made a lot of changes in my life to get to where I am and I refuse to throw it away just to avoid the tainted parts of my soul. I know that it may not seem like it now… That, since it’s so hard to get the words to form right in my mouth and to accept and push pass the shame and guilt and the feeling of being a burden, talking to Charon about things seems impossible. My verbal conversational skills are not as well developed as my written/typed up skills.
I know I’ve discussed that a lot lately. The ability to get the words to taste right and to have the right shape is much harder when I’m struggling to speak in a way that people can understand. Harder still when I’m trying not to spaz and attempting eye contact and appearing as NT as I can.
I feel like everything is just piling up and I’m trying to keep going. Right now, all I want to do is quit. I have a deep desire to just give up.
But my desire to keep fighting is stronger.
-The Sarcastic Autist