Just Keep Swimming

Hello, my dear readers and friends!  I’ve made it to my 201st post now!  Yay!  I’ve got over 60 followers and I’m just so happy today.  I had spaghetti tacos because spaghetti tacos always make me feel better.  I even have a song for spaghetti tacos.  Because spaghetti tacos make everything better.

I have an appointment with my gynecologist on the 16th and I think I might just wait until then to talk to her about this bleeding.  Okaasan had a bleeding disorder with her period thing (Atypical hypoplasia, I think it was called) and had to get gutted like a fish.  At least that’s what I call it.  She had to get a full hysterectomy.  I don’t want to get a full hysterectomy because I don’t want to be on hormones or go through menopause.  I won’t do Hormone Replacement Therapy for the same reason.  Well, that and the facial hair.

I digress.  I’m just going to wait and see what the doctor thinks.  I do know that having periods negatively impacts my mental health and that bothers me.  I want to know my options.

On another note.  I’m slowly working on that “What I learned in DBT is” project I started.  It sort of reminded me of that one episode of Spongebob.  I thought it was funny so that’s what I named my project.

Mostly, I’ve had to get reminding myself that I can get through this.  I’ve been having a harder time than normal lately.  I’ve been feeling very angry and frustrated and sad and ashamed and like I’m not worthy of anything.  I’ve felt like a trouble maker and a loser and, to quote a thing from Kuma-chan, “a fatty mcfat-ass”.  I’ve been wanting to lash out at people and isolate from everyone and just give up on everything.

I’ve really been craving to go back to drugs.  I miss the illusion of not caring.  I miss the soft grey fog that I was constantly in.  The numbing and the dissociation from reality.  The not having to deal with shit and not having to face reality.  I miss the disconnection.

But that’s not me anymore.  That’s not the way I want to live.  I’ve worked really hard and made a lot of changes in my life to get to where I am and I refuse to throw it away just to avoid the tainted parts of my soul.  I know that it may not seem like it now… That, since it’s so hard to get the words to form right in my mouth and to accept and push pass the shame and guilt and the feeling of being a burden, talking to Charon about things seems impossible.  My verbal conversational skills are not as well developed as my written/typed up skills.

I know I’ve discussed that a lot lately.  The ability to get the words to taste right and to have the right shape is much harder when I’m struggling to speak in a way that people can understand.  Harder still when I’m trying not to spaz and attempting eye contact and appearing as NT as I can.

I feel like everything is just piling up and I’m trying to keep going.  Right now, all I want to do is quit.  I have a deep desire to just give up.

But my desire to keep fighting is stronger.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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4 thoughts on “Just Keep Swimming

  1. i did not realize spaghetti tacos were a thing– that by itself is a fascinating revelation.

    as for your friend and your medical issue, i certainly wish you the best. for purposes of stress-management, realism and practicality, i would advise against the (natural but sometimes misleading) assumption that what youre experiencing has anything (medically) to do with the thing she is experiencing. you can certainly ask your doctor, but the body is capable of so many weird and wonderful things that its probably too early to jump to any conclusions… especially in terms of what treatments may be necessary– for what its worth!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Okaasan is my mother. She is the one who gave birth to me. Okaasan means ‘mother’ in Japanese. So, genetically speaking, there is always an increased risk of a disease or disorder if an immediate family member has it. I have Endometriosis, for which I’ve been getting treatment for for the last several years, including 4 surgeries or so.
      Endometriosis is when the lining of the uterine wall (the endometrial tissue) also grows outside the uterus and can act as a glue, adhering organs together. Endometriosis is a chronic, lifelong disorder. The main treatment for it is hormone replacement, hormone blockers, and surgery to remove any legions or to perform oopherectomies (removal of the uterus) or hysterectomies.
      My current treatment, having just finished pelvic floor therapy which has done wonders for my pain, is just an IUD that is supposed to prevent any menstrual cycles. If I’m having periods, that means that I have endometrial tissue actively growing and shedding inside me. Which is bad because that can cause really horrible things to happen, like constipation, IBS symptoms, and the tissue has been known to travel to the lungs and even to the heart in some cases.
      It’s only natural for me to get worried when I see that I’m bleeding from my sin cave again. Add that to my body dysmorphia and dysphoria, you get a nonbinary autistic with lots of anxiety and stress, which can lead to meltdowns and shutdowns and I don’t want that either.
      Honestly, I hate having a period anyway. It grosses me out. It caused me endless anxiety and stress when it was a normal, non-Endo thing. It’s only gotten worse since the diagnosis. Even more so now that I have the IUD and I’m not supposed to be bleeding at all.
      Also, spaghetti tacos are totally a thing and I love them so much. They are like little delicious things of heaven and I would eat them all day if they weren’t so difficult to make.
      -The Sarcastic Autist

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      • sorry, i thought you were talking about a friend of yours. i get what you mean now– yes, when theres a familiar link suddenly there is a chance of illnesses being related. good luck.

        i had a friend with endomitriosis. im pretty sure she got a hysterectomy and was fine after that, but we didnt stay in touch (we would have; i thought she was the best.)

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