Real Talk: Vulnerability

I’ve been in a particularly bad spot this year.  Normally I’d have done drugs or cut or engaged in some eating disorder behavior or drunk myself into oblivion.  I’m trying to be effective, or at least trying not to be ineffective.  It’s hard.  It’s been so hard to sit and keep my mind off things and avoiding those thoughts and feelings and memories is hard and everything is such an effort.  I’ve shut down emotionally and I don’t like that.

I’ve had this inner tsunami of pain and shame and guilt and self-hate and blame.  Telling Charon about the Thing only exacerbated it.  I thought I’d feel relief and I don’t.  I feel worse.  I feel vulnerable and I don’t like it.

I don’t like that I can’t control what other people do or think.  I don’t like that I can put myself out there and get rejected or told off.  Whenever I’ve told my godmother about my sensory issues, or anything pertaining to my Autism, she likes to put blame on my childhood abuse.  I’ve tried to tell her that no, it’s Autism, I was born this way and I’ll always be this way.  I think that her denial of it, her placing the blame on something that can be fixed, it’s her way of coping.  It’s hard to accept Autism for me.  I can’t imagine how it would be for others.

But her outright saying that, in her opinion, I’ve got sensory issues and social issues and Executive Dysfunction and tics because my parents beat me and I got bullied in school is invalidating.  I feel like I’ve opened up to her and made myself vulnerable and she’s rejecting it.  She’s not listening to me.  Exacerbating Ex was the same way.  Either it was because of my past or I was lying.  (Exacerbating Ex has straight up told me I was lying on multiple occasions, from the Thing to when I confronted her about beating me.)

I stopped sharing deeply personal things because I was sick of getting it thrown back in my face.  I got sick of being laughed, accused of exaggerating or making things up, of being told I wasn’t feeling what I was feeling or that my shit wasn’t that bad and I should just get over it.  I got sick of feeling like my feelings and experiences didn’t matter and that I didn’t matter.

So, when I opened up to Charon, when I shared this deeply personal thing that I don’t like talking about or even acknowledging, and she said we should just work on getting through the month, I’m not gonna lie, it was a relief.  But since then, I’ve been freaking out.  Does she believe me?  Does she think that I’m looking for attention or that I’m exagerating or that I need to just get over it?  I don’t like not knowing.

I don’t like feeling so uncertain and I’m ashamed to say that I’m afraid.  I’m afraid of getting rejected and told off when I’ve finally decided to try and move pass this hurt.  And this isn’t even the worst bit of my past.  This is only a tiny bit.  I’ve had to deal with so much other shit, from my parents, to BitchFace, to Exacerbating Ex, to my brother and my cousins and my aunt and uncle.

I almost feel like this is me testing the waters, so to speak.  If I can trust Charon with this knowledge of me, if I can share this black piece of my history and she doesn’t hate me or call me a liar…if she believes me, then I can tell her anything.

But right now, I just feel vulnerable.  My heart hurts and I keep pushing myself to keep trying, to stop avoiding things.  I’ve been hiding from reality and reality is a beautiful thing.  I’ve seen what it’s like to not be so wrapped up in myself, to see what the world is for what the world is.  I’ve seen the storms and the rainbows that come after.  The caterpillars into butterflies.  The plants that bloom into life and whither silently into death.

I saw a glimpse of that reality but I’m letting my past chain me to the past.  I keep myself tethered to what’s safe and what’s routine and what’s comfortable.  And I don’t want to be uncomfortable and be vulnerable and to feel all that shame and fear that goes with it.

But my desire to experience Actual Reality is much greater.

-The Sarcastic Autist