My ceiling lamp globe thingy didn’t get screwed in right and it fell on my head. It is still a bit sore, but it’s nothing too bad. I went to church this morning and I keep getting this feeling that I should go up and do a sermon one day, but I don’t like public speaking. Plus, I don’t know what I’d talk about.
But what’s got me thinking all day is this stupid Reality Acceptance thing. What even am I supposed to be accepting? How am I supposed to accept it? How do I accept something when I don’t know anything?
I think Reality Acceptance, based on what I’ve read, is looking at life and going “It is what it is.” Which is such a bullshit saying that got me so confused. Of course it is what it is, what else would it be?
And then I remember the Drop Bears. For those of you just joining us, Drop Bears are these evil, huge ass koala looking things in Australia. Huge claws that can disembowel you in one swipe, teeth that can snap through bone like a knife through butter, and a general sense of evil and pure killer instinct. Drop Bears also don’t exist. They are 100% fiction, I hope.
But Reality Acceptance is about realizing that reality doesn’t have Drop Bears roaming around, wanting to murder you simply for existing. According to my Buddhist studies, in order to reach Enlightenment, you need to recognize and accept the suffering along with the joyful moments in life. You need to be nonjudgmental and view life without the labels of good or bad or any of the various shades between. You have to view life as life. The flower is a flower. The bridge is a bridge. You arrived at work 10 minutes after your scheduled clock-in time. Your cat pooped on the floor. You had spaghetti tacos for supper. Reality.
Kuma-chan once told me that you don’t have to understand something in order to accept it and go along with it. I have this tendency to question everything. Why do I do this? Why did I do that? And then I’m constantly adding judgement to it. “Gods damn it, Sarcastic-kun, why the fuck did you do that? You are such a fuck up. Stop being such a loser and a fat ass. You can do better than this. You know you can.”
I’m most judgmental towards myself. And Reality Acceptance is nonjudgmental. And Reality Acceptance is also accepting the fact that we all have limitations. We have limits. There are things we are good at and there are things we suck at, or as Charon says, we are all awesome and we are all sucky.
And let me tell you, I think I just really suck at knowing my limitations. (Shh, we’re going to let that judgement slide for now.) I’m constantly going between the extremes of never trying and trying so hard I burn out and shut down. I don’t know what I can or cannot do. I have a lot of struggles.
Even in my day to day life, if something in my routine gets messed up, I stop and cannot function. It takes an enormous amount of effort to get back on track. It’s not a willful thing, it’s not me being stubborn. It’s not me being a pain in the ass just to be a pain in the ass. It’s an ERROR 404 code and I have to take a step back and re-evaluate what’s going on or I’ll have a melt down. Not a shut down; a full on melt down. It’s painful to admit, but it’s true.
The same is true if I’m talking to someone and they deviate from the normally structured conversation. I either have to power through and hope for the best while trying not to cry or shut down or I keep going off my normal script. For example, when I call to set up my medical rides, I give my ID number, my full name and date of birth, and then my address and phone number. After, I tell them the date of my appointment and the address I’m going to. One time, this lady kept trying to get address of where I was going before the date of my appointment and I was struggling very hard with that. I kept saying the date of the appointment and I felt like I was stuck on repeat. It was ERROR 404, RESPONSE NOT FOUND.
I know I’ve said this recently, but I feel like I’m steadily getting worse. At the same time, I don’t think I’m getting worse. I’m just becoming more aware of things I was previously unaware of, sort of like when you learn a new word. Suddenly, that word pops up everywhere. (Except for the word ‘nebulous’. Charon is still the only person I’ve ever heard say that word.)
It’s kind of funny, actually. As I’m sitting here pondering what the fuck Reality Acceptance means, I’m reminded of the phrase “Kore wa pen desu”. This is a pen. It’s one of the first sentences I’ve ever learned in Japanese and it’s also one of the first sentences the Japanese learn in English. This is a pen. There is nothing else said about the pen. Just that it exists.
I guess I could connect Reality Acceptance to that sentence. It’s a pen. It’s not a pencil. It’s not a good pen or a bad pen. It’s just a pen. Do I need the pen? Is the pen what I want? I don’t know. It’s a pen.
This is a pen. It is not a pencil. It is not a marker. It is neither a good pen or a bad pen. It was made in a factory and it wound up in my hands in a series of events. Even if it’s not the kind of pen I normally use, it is still a pen that I can use.
I can sit here and argue until I’m hoarse and out of breath that it is actually a crayon. That doesn’t make it a crayon. Using it as a crayon instead of a pen will not give me the desired results. It is a pen. It’s not the sort of pen that I normally use and that bothers me. But that still doesn’t change the fact that it’s a pen.
Kore wa pen desu. This is a pen.
-The Sarcastic Autist