‘Minority’ is a Dirty Word

I know it’s only midday, but I have to get this out there.

My uncle called me a minority the other day.  It made me feel like I was gross, like I was a ‘less than’.  And, honestly, even though I know I’m not a ‘typical cis-gendered heterosexual neurotypical’ person, I never really considered myself a minority.

It’s been bothering me a lot.  I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why.  I think it’s because it’s just further proof that I’m not a real part of the family.  I’ve always been treated different and I probably always will.  The thing is, though, is that I lied to myself and told myself that I belonged, that they agreed that my dad was a dick for calling me a dyke and so they must accept the fact that I’m just not that into men.  That it’s totally okay that I’m gay.

I wear my rainbows as a sort of shield.  If I’m super openly in your face gay, then you have to accept it.  You can either get with the program or get the fuck out.  I’m flamboyantly open about being gay.  I talk about it all the time.

But honestly, being gay bothers me.  It bothers me more than Autism bothers me.  Because being gay isn’t something I can choose to ignore like I can with Autism.  Autism, I can laugh it off, I can ignore the symptoms and work hard to pass as NT.  But with being gay, I can only do so much.  I’ve never lost friends because of Autism.  I’ve lost friends because of being gay.

I’m constantly telling myself that, if I wasn’t gay, my dad would talk to me and he would love me again.  That my brother wouldn’t be so aloof.  That my mother and my aunt and uncle wouldn’t see me as a ‘less than’, as a ‘minority’.  That I might be able to find someone who loves me for me and not get sick of my weirdness and not joke about how the Gay is contagious.

My last relationship with Exacerbating Ex ending very poorly.  But what hurts me the most about it isn’t the lying about me stealing drugs, it’s about her accusing me of raping her, of forcing her to do sexual things because I was the first girl she’d been with.  I would never force anyone to do anything that they didn’t want to, especially like that.  It hurts because she twisted reality to make herself a victim.  And it made me feel like I’m some sort of perverted deviant.  It made me question my own sanity, even though I know that the roles were more reversed and I’m easily manipulated and abused.  (No means no, not ‘no until I’m made to feel bad about saying no’.)

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, the Mormons, have this thing called the Patriarchal Blessing.  Basically, you go to this guy and he gives you a prophecy of how your life could turn out.  I was very excited when I got mine done when I was 13 because I was starting to doubt my place in the Church.  I already knew there was something wrong with me back then.

When I got it, I was deeply disappointed.  It seemed like a generic ‘marry and have 2.5 kids and be a wonderful mother and Sister’ thing.  When I looked at it years later, I knew it was wrong.  I don’t have a husband and I don’t plan on having one.  I can’t have kids because of the Endometriosis.  When I talked to Okaasan about it, she said that if I had chosen a different path, the Blessing would have come true.  That the Blessing only shows what could be if you follow the church.

I didn’t choose to have Endometriosis.  I didn’t choose to be gay.  When I pointed that out, she stuck to her words.  If I had stayed in the Church, I would be married and have kids.  I don’t think she realized how much that hurt me.  I felt like I was being blamed for things outside of my control.

I’m not very good at working on more than one thing at a time.  I’ve been bitching a lot lately about Autism and how that makes my life shit.  I don’t really talk about how being gay hurts me more than being Autistic.

I cried myself to sleep last night.  I curled up with Dorobo and I cried.  I cried because it finally hit me that I’ll never be accepted as a full member of the family.  I cried because I miss my dad and I still love him despite the heartbreak he’s caused me.  I cried because I feel ashamed, I feel like I’m just wrong and that I don’t deserve to exist because I’m a burden and an outsider to my family.  I cried because I’m a minority and I cried because I hate myself and I cried because I hate that I hate myself.

I’m crying right now because I wish I could change.  I wish I was that perfect daughter who got perfect grades and has a decent job and is engaged or dating some nice young man from the Church who just got back from his mission.  I’m such a disappointment to my family and my own dad called me names and said so himself.

Being gay bothers me.  It bothers me that I feel like I have to be very outspoken and loud in order to protect myself from the hate and hurt that the world keeps slinging my way.  It bothers me that I’m the token gay person at church.  It bothers me that I can’t stop being this way.

My brother is in contact with our dad.  I don’t want to tell him to stop.  It hurts me that my brother, despite saying that he wouldn’t talk to DoucheDonor until he apologized to me, is talking to DoucheDonor and hid it from me.  It hurts that my brother is always hesitant to ask about my love life and he changes the topic when I bring it up.

I was called a minority the other day and it hurts me.  It hurts that I’m set apart from my family and that I’ve been disowned from my father and from several relatives on my mother’s side because I am gay.  It hurts that I’m not allowed to talk about celebrity crushes or my exes or anything related to the LGBTQA community at family functions.

It hurts that I’m seen as less than.  I know I always sort of viewed myself as less than, but to see and hear others do it too… It drives it home.  I hated being called a minority.  I hate that it still bothers me.

And I hate being gay.

I hate so much about myself.  I hate that I do my spazzing.  I hate that I have trouble understanding things.  But I can always change that.  I can change my behaviour to be better, to appear less Autistic.  I can’t change being gay.

I can’t just stop.  I’ve tried.  I’ve ignored it and I’ve lied to myself and that only made me unhappy and gross.  So I throw it around.  “I’m allergic to nuts and that’s why I’m a lesbian”.  “That’s so gay that it makes me seem straight.” “I’m gay so you wouldn’t understand.”  “I’m gay and that was a faggy thing to do.”

I joke about it and I push the issue into everyone’s face, sometimes literally.  I force myself to be openly flamboyant and seem like I don’t give a fuck if everyone knows I’m gay because I’m the Sarcastic Autist and I’m fucking awesome and don’t you forget it.

But I’m not.  I care deeply when people reject me.  I joke about things that hurt me because it’s the only way I know how to cope.  I don’t feel awesome.  I ‘m not amazingly gay and okay with it.  I’m just lost and scared that people will hurt me more.  I’m afraid to date because of my past history of exes getting all pissy and saying I turned them gay by force and shit.  I’m afraid to let people see that I’m just a vulnerable child inside.

I don’t feel loved by my parents or my brother or any of my family.  I don’t feel loved because of Autism and Gayness.  I feel rejected and placed apart.  I feel alone and so sad and desolate.

I wish I wasn’t gay so my family would accept me.  So that my dad would tell me that he loves me and that he’s sorry that he hurt me and that my mum would tease me about boys and my brother would joke about having man-to-man talks with my dates.  I wish I was straight so that I wouldn’t be called a minority and that my family would ask when I was bringing the next guy over for supper.

I wish I wasn’t gay so I could love myself easier.  So I wouldn’t look into the mirror with disdain.  “I can’t change being gay, maybe I can change not being such a lard-ass.  I can’t change being gay, maybe I can change not being such a loser.  I can’t change being gay, maybe I can change not being such an ugly fuck.”

When my uncle called me a minority, it really struck home that other people view me as a ‘less than’.  I know I view myself as a ‘less than’.  I’ve always viewed myself as a less than, that’s why I’m so outspoken about my awesomeness.  If I say it enough times, it’ll be true.  But it’s always more true when someone else says it.

So, even if I call myself names and call myself a worthless faggot, it hurts more to learn that others see me the same way.  That others see me as some sort of sinner and sexual deviant and that I’m not worthy of basic respect or compassion.

I’m going to go be sad and feel like I need a hug.  I’ll be back on later.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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17 thoughts on “‘Minority’ is a Dirty Word

  1. Minority in and of itself is not a dirty word. It sounds like your family are saying and doing other things that make you feel rejected and maybe the context and tone in which they called you a minority was hurtful to you but I wouldn’t take ‘minority’ as an insult. All it means is different from the majority. The majority of people are heterosexual so therefore anyone who is homosexual is a minority just like the majority of people are neurotypical so therefore anyone who’s autistic is a minority. Minority also carries the connotation of being vulnerable to oppression and discrimination at the hands of the majority but that’s a negative reflection on the majority who are doing the discriminating, not the person in the minority group.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Context is a huge part of why I called ‘minority’ a dirty word. The way it was said and the situation it was said in and the way it was aimed at me made me feel dirty. I mean, I call my best friend a ho and a bitch all the time, but I don’t consider those dirty words because I don’t mean them in a derogitory way.
      And it wasn’t so much insulting as just hurtful. It made me feel like I wasn’t part of the family. Now, had my uncle said that I had the opinion I had because I’m gay, that’s one thing. It’s another to say it’s because I’m a minority. (It was about conversion therapy and that I didn’t like Pence because of his stance on it.) Yeah, I’m technically a minority, but you don’t go up to a Person of Colour and call them a minority either. It’s kind of rude.
      Unless I’m totally misunderstanding what you are trying to say. In which case, yes, I do get what you are saying and I agree with you to an extent.

      Like

      • In that case you’re uncle was being an ass and he just doesn’t get it. I would find telling you you had that opinion because you were gay to be equally offensive and wrong. Obviously as a gay person you’re going to be more personally affected by Pence’s stance on conversion therapy than a straight person but that doesn’t mean it’s the reason you hold that opinion and plenty of straight people hold the same opinion. I despise Pence because I find his stance on gay conversion therapy and many other things to be hateful, discriminatory and ridiculous.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. We have family of circumstance and we have family of choice. The family of circumstance are those we are born with. We don’t choose those people and we’re just stuck with whomever we get. Now the family of choice are very special people. Those are the ones we choose to call family. Be they of blood, friends, lovers – doesn’t matter. The point is they are the ones we choose to call family and they are the ones that count. Everyone else can go fuck off.

    We had a conversation about Patriarchal Blessings before and like you I have the same beef regarding the “oh you get those blessings only if you live this way” explanation that some people tried to feed me. I’ve also gotten the “it may be that those blessings will come to you in the next life.” Well thanks, I thought the blessing was intended for this life and it doesn’t fucking help me right now, does it? HOWEVER. With all that said, mine did say I would have children. I didn’t marry in the temple. Far as any church people are concerned that know my past, I am a whore. I was told I was sterile by a doctor at 19. Five pregnancies later, I have 3 sons that I am very proud of. My blessing says I will be invited to marry in the temple. Everything else about that family piece has come true even though I more or less left the church. So… who’s to say that last part won’t happen? Don’t know, not going to worry about it. The point is, when it comes to children there are other options. Unless your blessing specifically stated that you would be giving birth to those children personally, who is to say that you won’t find a wonderful woman and adopt children? Or maybe she already has children? I’ll also point out that I don’t recall my blessing ever explicitly stating it was a man inviting me into the temple for marriage. It’s assumed. Check your blessing on the exact wording. But my thoughts are this is either complete bullshit or the blessings are NOT as tightly controlled like some people want you to believe.

    Yea I know, maybe it looks like I’m playing word games here BUT this is where I get ugly. God made my brain the way he did. He did it for a reason. And part of the package that comes with my disorder is hypersexuality. So I’m right there with you in being pegged as a fucking sinner just because of the way I was born. BUT IF HE MADE ME THIS WAY THERE HAS TO BE A REASON FOR IT. I choose to embrace this part of me because he gave it to me. Sure some day I’ll face him on judgment day and I’ll be sure to ask him WHY. But the point here is HE MADE THIS WAY and then he gives me this blessing KNOWING HE MADE ME THIS WAY. If he loves each of his children, why would he do any of that if there was no chance of those promises coming true? Personally I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to leave it in God’s hands. Let him worry about that blessing while you focus on taking care of yourself and doing the things that need to be done.

    So take it or leave it. Those are my thoughts on the blessings – from one sexual deviant to another.

    psssst…..

    If it helps you any you could adopt the word “gynephyllic” instead of the words “gay” or “lesbian”.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Androphilia_and_gynephilia

    Liked by 1 person

    • I gotta say, I was super excited and started reading the wikipedia page and now I’m feeling overwhelmed because there’s even more fucking words for shit and just WHY CAN’T I JUST SAY I LIKE VAGINA GODS DAMN IT!
      That said, I like to think of the term ‘gay’ as pretty gender neutral. But I also like learning new words so I’m going to steal ‘gynephilia’ for use on dating sites, if I ever get that far.
      My blessing said ‘husband’. I threw away my copy and since I’ve gotten my name off the registry, I don’t think I can ask for a copy. Oh well.
      One of the quotes that has been helping me survive this past few weeks has been ‘it is what it is’. I hate that saying so very very much and it makes me want to punch a wall. So I take a deep breath and through gritted teeth I reluctantly say “it is what it is”. I may not be able to control the world around me, but I can at least control my reaction to it, you know?

      Liked by 1 person

      • I hear you on that one. I think the word gay should mean whatever it needs mean for you. I offered the link because I thought this new word would be helpful because that’s what “gynepilia” means: to like vaginas. I like the word “androphylia” for me but because of my body I’m not offended when people called me heterosexual. There’s just some things not worth explaining to people.

        I’m sorry it turned out to be overwhelming. I just thought it might be less stigmatizing for you.

        As for the blessing, I’m sorry it turned out to be so specific. All I can say is put it aside and focus on what you can manage and control. *hugs* I truly wish I had a better answer than that but as I said before, there is a reason I fell away as much as I sometimes miss it.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Inner Commitment Thoughts | the sarcastic autist

  4. Some people are just mean and will find anything they can to pick on you about. They will look for excuses or even make them up so they have something to be mean about. And people who are different are always the victims and it’s horrible. But you are not less than. Do you need proof? Mine proof is if me said the same thing because me feels the same and has is also lgbtq and autism and abused you would tell me it’s not true. And if it’s not true for me it’s not true for you. You have been around lots mean people and it’s stuck in your brain like it is mine. But it’s not true. We are good loving awesome people and they are the mean hateful people with the problem.

    Liked by 1 person

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