Hello and good evening! I had a post partially typed out last night but went to bed without publishing it. I read it today and just tossed it because it was a lot of nonsensical tired ramblings. I made chili and enchiladas today for Meal Prep. I also slept for a long ass time and the scale has gone up and I keep telling myself it’s because of all the salty shit I’ve been eating. It’s still upsetting though.
Speaking of upsetting, my various heathen gods, this has been one hell of a week. I got upset at the Autism. I got upset at the Gay. And now I’ve spent all day wondering why I feel less than and just not enough. Seriously. What. The. Ever. Loving. Fuck.
Why am I not enough? What makes me less than? Why do I keep pursuing love and belonging in a place where there is none for me to have? (Yes, I’ve been listening to Brene Brown again.) Why do I let myself feel inferior to everyone else?
When my parents were abusive when I was a child, I told myself it was because I was bad and didn’t behave. That I deserved it. And that I shouldn’t tell on them because they’d get in trouble and I didn’t want to get anyone in trouble, especially since it was all my fault anyway.
When I had that abusive babysitter, she told me not to tell anyone because she would get in trouble and we were friends and friends don’t let friends get in trouble. In middle school, when we moved in with my aunt and uncle and their kids, I was in trouble all the time. Sometimes for things I didn’t even do. I was held to higher standards than everyone else and I was set apart and told that that house wasn’t my home and that I was a guest.
When I became friends with BitchFace in high school, she would behave abusively towards me and tell me it was my fault for doing whatever and she didn’t like it and I should know better. It was bad enough her parents told her to back off and to be nicer to me. No one could understand why I wouldn’t tell on her. It’s because I didn’t want to get her in trouble.
When she ended our friendship and threatened to kill me, I told my godmother who told me not to go to the police because BitchFace would get in trouble and she can’t help it because Mental Illness and stuff. I didn’t want to make my godmother sad or to get anyone in trouble, so I stayed silent.
Exacerbating Ex would tell me off all the time for things. I didn’t do a good enough job cleaning or going grocery shopping. I didn’t do a good enough job taking care of her when she was sick. I didn’t make her coffee good enough. I didn’t obey her good enough. I was too fat and too stupid and too useless. And still, I would do my best to make her happy, to do what she wanted. I had neighbours ask if I needed help because Exacerbating Ex was such a raging cunt to me and I just shrugged them off saying that everything was fine.
I’ve never been good enough. I was that person who existed that nobody wanted around and no one cared about. I was the bad guy in every situation. The only thing I was good at was taking blame.
So yeah, I guess it makes sense that I don’t see myself as enough. I’m a less than. Inferior. I don’t like opening up to people and telling them stuff because I don’t like making them sad. I’m not worth the tears. (I’m also afraid of not being believed and being called a liar, like BitchFace and Exacerbating Ex both constantly did.)
I put myself out there was this awesome and amazing person. I throw my gayness in people’s faces the first time I meet them because I’d rather know where I stand with them before I get emotionally invested. It acts as this sort of wall, this barrier so I can avoid getting hurt. Because that and the Autism shit is what makes people not like me.
It doesn’t matter that I try to make everyone else happy. It doesn’t matter that my sexuality and my Autism don’t change my personality. My dad still hates that part of me and says I’m a disgrace and a disappointment. My uncle calls me a minority. A large portion of Okaasan’s side of the family won’t talk to her or me because of my ‘lifestyle choices’ from when I tried to introduce Exacerbating Ex to them. Okaasan doesn’t think it’s worth me trying anything because I’d end up failing. Oniisan thinks I’m just his daft little sister who won’t get anywhere.
I think I’m a largely worthless and useless person. It may be because I try to get approval and acceptance where there is none to be had. It may be because of the large amount of rejection I’ve gone through in my life. It may be because I see myself as someone who doesn’t try hard enough and doesn’t do good enough.
Part of it me comparing myself to other people. Oniisan has a job, a kid, and a long-term partner and friends. Hell, even Okaasan has friends that come see her from the Church and people who accept her and love her and don’t call her names.
And I don’t understand things. I get lost when I’m talking in groups of people because of all the interference. I don’t get new concepts well. I don’t assert myself and I don’t set good boundaries and I don’t comprehend connections to things and I’m honestly not that awesome.
If I wasn’t Autistic, I’m sure that cognitive shit wouldn’t be there. I wouldn’t have my spazzing, my tics, my stutter, my social dyslexia or social anxiety. I wouldn’t have been such a little shit head when I was younger.
If I wasn’t gay, my dad would love me. I wouldn’t be called a minority. I wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not someone would still like me if they knew. I wouldn’t be called a sinner and I wouldn’t be told to pray the gay away. (Tried that, spoiler, it didn’t work.)
The one thing I absolutely love about Kuma-chan is that she’s the first, and currently the only, person who I feel enough around. I don’t have to try to act normal or hide behind false superiority. I can relax and be honest with her and be vulnerable without feeling vulnerable.
With everyone else, I feel like I’m always on the cusp of shame. I want to please everyone and to not get anyone in trouble. I know I’m not enough so I have to try harder. Sometimes I give up and that’s when I spiral. When that ‘not enough’-ness becomes too much and I give in to that depression and I hide in drugs or alcohol or eating disorder shit or cutting because that’s what I can do to numb myself from the hurt from not being enough.
I want others to feel proud of me. When I do something good, I’m seeking approval and praise from outside sources. I know I should at least try to let myself see myself as enough. I should try to stop this cycle of ineffective thoughts and behaviours and focus more on me liking me.
When I meet new people or gain a new group of friends, I tend to exaggerate the parts of me that they like. I tell myself “if I am not 100% outgoing and inclusive, I will not be accepted anymore. I have to act more than so that they like me”. Obviously this causes me to crash and burn and to want to put up even more of a front of awesomeness so that I can’t get hurt when people see my flaws.
It’s not okay to be myself. That’s what I’ve been told and taught for just about my entire life. I’m not worthy of love and affection unless I am exactly who others want me to be. I do not deserve compassion because I misbehave and I’m 25 and should know better by now how to act and talk in public. I can’t do my spazzing because it looks weird and I’m an adult and shouldn’t bounce around talking loudly when I’m excited about something. I can’t put my hands over my ears when it’s too loud and noisy for me because what will other people think? Stop it Sarcistic Autist-chan, you’re being ridiculous! Act your age! Get over yourself! Do what I tell you and stop being such a brat!
I ever tell you guys I had a miscarriage? Yup. Still one of my most painful memories. I didn’t want it and so I drank and I did drugs and I engaged in eating disorder behaviour and self-destructive behaviour. Boom. No more baby.
And now I can’t have kids. At least, it’d be very hard for me to accomplish. So when I think to how my dad told me I’m a disgrace because I couldn’t carry on the blood-line if I was gay, how my family told me I was supposed to get married to a returned missionary and have babies, how my mother said it was a shame that I couldn’t give her grandchildren, it hurts like a knife in my heart. And then I’m told that any person I may decide to marry wouldn’t be a real member of the family because same-sex partners don’t count…
I mentioned the other day that I wanted to start dating again. Truth be told, I want someone to hug me and pat me on the head or back and say “maa maa, daijoubu da yo”. (there there, it’s alright.) I just want someone to love me as me. I just want to be enough for just one person, no strings attached.
And I feel like that’s too much to ask for.
Because I don’t feel like I’m worthy enough.
Because all I am is less than.
-The Sarcastic Autist