Inner Commitment Thoughts

Hello, again, dear reader!  I didn’t get to go to church today but I did get to sleep in late.  I got so happy I wanted to cry because I have an actual ass and that weird hump thing I had is gone and I’m slimmer than I’ve been in years.  Also, I made delicious chili yesterday and so I’ve been farting a lot.  I scared the cat with a big one earlier.

I’m super excited about seeing Charon tomorrow.  I’ve printed out edited copies of Because Autism‘Minority’ is a Dirty Word, and Not Enough for her to read.  I am excited because I have had one hell of a week and I’m pretty sure I’ve cried more this last week than I have all year.  And I feel good.  Happy, almost.

I’ve been listening to Brene Brown’s The Power of Vulnerability audiobook on audible.  I feel very good about last week’s session and having opened up more online to what’s really bothering me deep inside and being able to just print it out and give to Charon is pretty cool too.  It made last week’s session easier, I think.

Well, it made it easier for me and that’s what counts.  Despite letting myself be vulnerable a lot lately, I’m finally starting to feel that  Bird in the Waterfall feeling.  Like, there’s all this chaos and turmoil and emotions and I’m still finding some Zen amidst all that.

Another way to put it is like this: you know when you get a tummy ache and you throw up and you still feel like shit but you feel better at the same time?  It’s kind of like that right now for me.  I had emotional vomit and now I feel tired, but good.   Better.  I think.

I have a page open in my DBT workbook that asks what inner commitment I plan on making to accept reality.  I hate this question.  I hate it so very fucking much.  I want to set my book on fire and throw it in a pit of acid.  That much hate.

‘Shit happens’ feels too dismissive.  ‘It is what it is’ feels too defeatist.  But “a warrior doesn’t always choose his battles but he does choose to fight’ doesn’t quite ring right, but it’s closer.  ‘I can do this’.  ‘I got this’.  ‘I’m awesome’.  ‘I’m a survivor’.  None of them fit for me.

What makes me accept reality?  What inner commitment can I make to Accept Reality As It Is?

Stop.  Deep breath.  Check for Drop Bears. Access.  Confirm.  Ask for help if needed.  Stay strong.  Allow feelings of vulnerability.  Know that I can be strong and still need help.  Sit through the waves.  Don’t back down.  Don’t attack.  Let what is be what it is.

There’s no singular way for me to have an inner commitment to Accept Reality.  It’s going to change depending on my scenario.  I don’t know.  It’s sort of weird.  And I’m sort of tired.

Good night.

-The Sarcastic Autist

8 thoughts on “Inner Commitment Thoughts

  1. How about… “Be like water”?

    Water freezes, it flows, it evaporates – it does a lot of things but in the end that drop of water remains water. I’ll give you the exact quote of what I said to a fellow Bipolar in a NaNo thread about being like water:

    “I like using the water metaphor a lot for Bipolar because water changes often and so do we. Water will adjust to change, and so can we. Regardless of what happens to water, it typically remains water. The same holds true for us. It’s all about adjusting, adapting, and transforming as required while remaining true to the authentic self.”

    I think it holds true for everyone to be honest, not just for Bipolar. Life is chaos. Nature is chaos. Yet water remains water. You remain you.

    So be like water. Let life flow through and over you while remaining you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know that feeling, i always puke when mine tummy is upset because i can’t wait for it to be over. I know maybe your inner commitment is to do your best.

    Liked by 1 person

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