Feeling Kinda Scared

I know it’s been a few days and it may be a few days more before I get to responding.  I need to have a word and emotion vomit session real quick here.

Monday, I was feeling pretty excited and nervous and looking forward to starting Stage 2.

Tuesday, I had a nightmare.  Exacerbating Ex and BitchFace were there telling me that no one was going to believe what I had to say and that everyone was calling me a liar.  Nothing that has ever happened to me has ever really happened to me.  I’m not Autistic or anything, I’m just Borderline and a liar.  I’m just looking for attention and Charon is going to see right through the lies and shit.  That this whole thing is a mistake and I’m less than worthless.

I keep telling myself it was a nightmare.  It was my subconscious feeding off my fears and a dream rehash of past shit.  It’s Drop Bear City.  I keep trying to reassure myself that it’s okay to feel like this and I’m just scared because this is a huge change in my life and I’m not so good with change but I’m getting better.

But oh man, the Thought Drop Bears are coming in hordes, guys. Saying things I’ve been told my whole life.  No one is going to believe you because you’re crazy.  You’re a bad kid.  Charon only takes on a single Stage 2 client at a time, what makes you think you are so special that you can take that spot from someone who really needs it.  You’re awkward and garbage.  You don’t remember things like everyone else remembers them.  You’re lying.  Your aunt and uncle were very nice to take in a shit family like yours and you should be grateful because you were the biggest shit kid ever.  Your dad obviously isn’t that bad because Oniisan talks to him.  Okaasan says things were the way she remembers them and you were mistaken about the abuse, all of the abuse.  Gods, what is so wrong with you that you make up such horrid things that obviously never could have happened?  No one loves you and you are a burden on everyone you encounter.  Why anyone would willing spend time with someone like you is beyond anyone’s comprehension.  You are a worthless liar and you will always be a worthless liar and you will only ever be a fat bitch with no friends, just like your mum.

Honestly, it’s awful.  And I’ve been having nightmares a lot.  I know it doesn’t seem that bad.  To me, it’s being rejected.  I’ve been gas-lit so many times that it’s no wonder that I’m having these fears.  I really don’t feel like I’m, well for the lack of a better word, worthy to take up the only Stage 2 spot she has.

I’m really glad I don’t see Charon for a couple weeks because that should give me plenty of time to either a) fill my head with enough logical fallacies and false logic and just plain wrong and ineffective thoughts to be fully prepared to tell her she and I should terminate because I’m just not worth it, or b) come to a better emotional and reasonable state of mind so I can be calm and not quit without a good discussion about it.

But, as for right now, I’m still scared and I’m going to say I’m actually terrified because this is like the Adventure that Stage 1 was preparing me to do.  Like, Stage 1 was the part of the game where you learn the controls and how to not kill your character and Stage 2 is starting the main game and hoping you don’t forget how to jump or block.

Either that or I’ve gone completely nutters.

I’m going to go back to pretending I’m not afraid for right now.  At least until tomorrow.  Or Christmas.  I’m unsure yet.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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