Long time no post. I apologize for that. I went through this morning to reply to comments on here and I’ll be trying to get back into the routine of my blog as soon as possible. Carrie Fisher died today. She’s was an awesome person, from what I’ve read and heard about her.
I’m having a rather hard go of it lately. I keep telling myself that I just need to make it until the end of the year and then I will have gone the entire 2016 with no drugs or alcohol or hospitalizations. Then I can work on keeping that streak up in 2017.
I’m sure it’s just the holidays and excessive amounts of obligatory social interactions. I’m just a bit burned out, is all. Still, I keep feeling like crying or shouting or doing anything really. I feel sort of pent up inside, at least emotionally. When I’ve tried to talk to my mum about it, she’s been dismissive or calls it ‘anxiety’.
Quite honestly, I got really pissed off at her the other day for calling my sensory problems ‘anxiety’. I told her that it’s not anxiety, although it can cause anxiety. Calling it anxiety is a lie and lying is wrong and she needs to stop calling all my problems ‘anxiety’. My aunt and uncle will understand that I have sensory problems and such because they have at least 2 kids on the Spectrum. Okaasan saying that they would understand anxiety better is stupid and wrong. It’s not anxiety, it’s a sensory issue and her family is fucking loud and noisy and everyone is constantly talking over each other and I’m considered the rude one when I start shutting down, even if Book goes into a full on screaming rage melt down.
I sent Oniisan some books for Nephew and stuff. I didn’t even get a call on Christmas. I hadn’t gotten a call from him as a thank you for Nephew’s birthday stuff in August either, nor from Oniisan’s birthday stuff in October. If he isn’t willing to put any effort into our relationship, I’m not going to be willing any more either. I understand that he has responsibilities and stuff. It doesn’t take a lot to text ‘ty’. Kuma-chan waited to call me before opening up the stuff I had sent her and has since thanked me tons.
Even when we do talk, Oniisan never wants to talk about anything but whatever Nephew has been up to and even talks to Nephew while I’m on the phone. I’ll talk to Nephew or I’ll talk to Oniisan, but I can’t talk to both at the same time. Oniisan doesn’t seem to understand how rude it is to ignore someone on the phone.
I’ve got an uncle that gives all the girls one kind of present and all the boys another kind of present. This year, all the girls were given earrings and all the boys were given blankets. I don’t know why no one seems to remember that I’m not a girl and I’ve repeatedly asked to be considered a boy when it comes to gift stuff because the stuff they give the girls is awesome… for the girls. I’m not trying to sound ungrateful because I’m appreciative that he thought about me at all. I just wish he hadn’t. (On a similar note, this same uncle addressed the present to one of my cousins who changed her name as her old name, so instead of calling her Felix like all her legal documents state and everything, he calls her Winona, like on her birth certificate. Her name has been changed for many years and even I call her Felix now. And no, those aren’t actual names, just example names. My point is, this uncle is a bit of a dick, unless you have a dick. In which case, he has no problem treating you as an actual person)
I did get some awesome presents. I got new pens, a new notebook, an LED candle that makes me sneeze, wireless headphones, a gift card to Taco Bell… I really do like my gifts. Obaasan was sick and when I went to visit her she said she made sure to give me all the best stuff out of everyone because I am her favourite. I got some apple juice from her as well as a colouring book and some other things. The gifts from Obaasan and from my aunt and uncle were really thoughtful and nice and things that I actually like. Okaasan gave me grocery money and I really like that too. I blew it all on Kimchi, gum, and some chips. Oh, I also got gifted some Oreos which have been my main diet the last few days.
I never quite know what I’m supposed to say or do when I’m given stuff. I awkwardly smile and say thank you. Half the time, I get stuff I can’t even use. I was once given peanut butter crackers in my stocking that had broken open and thus contaminated everything in there. That made me sad and it was funny a bit too. What am I supposed to do when I’m given stuff that I can’t have?
For example, and I feel really bad about this, is that Charon gave me animal crackers for my graduation. They’re sitting on my kitchen table because they were made in a bakery that uses peanuts and tree nuts and I’m not sure the tastiness of animal crackers (and the moral dilemma) outweighs the risk of dying an itchy and oxygen-less death. She doesn’t have any allergies nor does she live with anyone with allergies so I’m not upset that she didn’t know to check the label. I’m always saying that animal crackers are vegan and so are generally safe for me to eat. And nuts are also vegan so my statement still stands. I just sort of feel bad that I can’t eat the gift she gave me. It’s a very thoughtful gift. That’s taunting me on my kitchen table. I really want to eat them.
Anyway. I’ve also been having an increased amount of nightmares. I’m hoping they’ll stop soon. I want a restful sleep that doesn’t end with me waking up drenched in sweat.
I saw the doctor about my ankle. I could wear an ace wrap because it’s just a mild strain/sprain/stretch of a tendon and the wrap is supposed to act as a reminder to take it easy. However, and I blame Autism, I put on the wrap and promptly ignore it and go about running around like a mad man on crack. Which involves a lot of stuff I shouldn’t be doing on a sprained ankle. So, I am supposed to wear the boot if I leave the house so I don’t bounce on my ankles. (That’s a bit hard to explain. I stand with my feet on their sides and do this sort of bouncing like I do sometimes on my toes. I also step on my ankles when I’m sitting. It’s why I am supposed to wear my high tops, so I can’t do that.) If I’m just around the house, the doctor said I can wear the wrap or I can go wrapless. So long as I’m not doing yoga for a few weeks yet.
Also, she recommended physical therapy for my ankle. I think that’s a swell idea in any case because it can give me more stuff to add to my yoga routine, once I’m able to start back up in it.
Well, I’m off to bed. I’m tired and still have a lot of resting to do in order to continue functioning in therapy. Or in general, really.
We’ll go back to the regularly schedule posts tomorrow. Promise.
-The Sarcastic Autist