Hey all. I know I said I would start posting regularly again and I didn’t. I’m not going to give excuses or anything like that. I either didn’t have anything to say or I didn’t have anything I wanted to share or I was just avoiding online stuff. I was pretty silent with my friends too.
I’m feeling much better today. I think I was just feeling that pent up new year energy. Kinda like a kid looking forward to Christmas, except I wasn’t excited. It’s a big change and I had to stop and reflect back on this past year and get ready for whatever 2017 is going to throw at me.
I’m pretty proud of myself for what I’ve accomplished in 2016. I went the whole year without recreational drugs or alcohol. I stopped purging. I’m still engaging in Eating Disordered Behaviours, but my goal this year isn’t to ‘stop’ those. I want to develop a healthy relationship with food.
I also went from a size 20-22 to a size 10-12. I lost around 60 pounds or so in 2016, give or take. I mean, I weigh 163 right now, give or take accordingly. At 5’5″, it’s not the best weight, but it’s not too bad. It’s manageable. I think I want to stop thinking of my life as numbers and think of it as ‘effective’ or whatever.
I’m not going to write a whole post about my Resolutions for this upcoming year. I don’t think that’s necessary and my goals are my own.
Really, my number one thing for this year is that I want to dare greatly and take the plunge. I want to do my best to be my best and to know that, at the end of the day, whether I win or lose, or pass or fail, I made the attempt and that is enough. That I am enough.
What really gets to me is that I always end up thinking about what I didn’t accomplish and how I wish I could do better, that I could be better. I’m no longer sure that’s true. I don’t know what’s going on internally a lot, especially with my emotions. I tend to try and take everything one day at a time and not look too much into the future because the future scares me.
I saw this thing on Facebook about how, just because something takes a bit longer, that doesn’t make you a failure. You only fail if you never make the attempt in the first place or if you quit.
I used to say that I was taking a hiatus from college. Truth is, I dropped out. It was hard and stressful and I just burned out. I want to get back into it in the fall. I’m making plans to meet with the disability service people and seeing if I can get an exception to take online classes because I’m on academic suspension. That means I’m only supposed to take one class and it’s supposed to be a physical class. I did my best online when I didn’t have all the distractions around me and I could focus entirely on the work.
I have to see where I am mentally before I go back. I don’t think I’d be able to do college stuff right now with therapy being as hard as it is. Because Therapy is hard for me. Especially DBT stuff. It takes a lot of time and effort for me to understand new materials. That’s probably just an Autism thing, the wiring in my head being different than the typical person’s. I don’t really care if it is or not.
I want to stop trying to do things the way everyone else thinks I should do things. A lot of my stress comes from trying to figure out what is or isn’t appropriate socially or trying solve equations in the same manner other people do.
In DBT, in Emotion Regulation at least, they teach you to use ‘I’ sentences. “I feel X when Y occurs.” That sort of thing. It’s easier for me to understand my emotions when I use the “when Y occurs, I feel X” model. To me, that makes more sense. If that’s the way I can understand and make sense of emotion stuff, I think I should be able to use it.
Anyway. It’s a thing at least.
Happy New Year everyone.
-The Sarcastic Autist