Hissashiburi, mina! I’m back. Hopefully for regular now. I really need to get back into my routine because this is ridiculous. Getting out of the house for therapy today helped make me feel better. I just need to be able to get out of the house more.
There’s a lot on my mind to talk about today. I realized that I really don’t talk about all the things that I like about myself too often. Charon tried to talk to me about the Gay thing and I kept shutting down or just plain not understanding what the fuck she was on about. Absolutely refused to look in her general direction at all, let alone make eye contact.
She thought I was being sarcastic when she read my “I want to dare greatly” thing at first. I normally don’t talk like that. It sounds silly but those kinds of things are supposed to sound silly and be silly and stuff. Motivational shit is normally weird and uplifting and weird. Mostly weird. Especially coming from me because I apparently give her a hard time whenever she says stuff like that.
As for the Gay thing, Charon asked me why being gay was the the thing that I hated most about myself. I kept shutting down and I still am not sure why. Maybe because I believe that I’m supposed to be all proud and loud about being gay and it’s awesome and fuck you if you don’t like it because that’s how I am on the outside. I’m very vocal about my gayness and how being gay is a huge part of my identity and stuff.
Really, it’s not. Being gay just means that I like chicks and not dicks. There’s literally nothing else. I feel like I’m supposed to fit into this butch lesbian stereotype but I don’t feel butch. I don’t feel like ‘lesbian’ is even the right word for me. Gay does feel like the right word, even though it feels like a sad word to me.
I talked about my dad disowning me because ‘gay’. I’m no longer his little princess or his daughter. I’m just a dyke to him. Never mind all the awesome things I am besides just gay. I’m honest, compassionate, a glitter bomb of awesome, smart, and more than just a little bit weird. I love books and animals and writing and drawing and learning. I like to make people smile and laugh and I love to smile and laugh too.
I’m more than just ‘gay’ but he doesn’t care because that’s all that matters to him now.
I told you guys about my uncle calling me a minority because ‘gay’. I’m not another one of the kids or even a person anymore. Because gay. Yeah, I mean, the family never really included me in much and I’ve always felt like an outsider, an afterthought to them. It still hurts to be set apart like that, even though I’ve made a lot of positive changes in my life. For fuck’s sake, they don’t even treat me like the other special needs kids in the family. I would say that I’m the black sheep, but everyone says that’s my other uncle.
I can’t talk about crushes or relationships to my godmother because she gets that face and shuts me down. If I try to bring up any of the issues I see in politics, it’s because I’m gay that I have that opinion. I’m a ‘liberal’ because I’m gay. I like jeans because I’m gay.
I like cats because gay. Anything I do has to be fucking connected to me being gay and that’s just not how it works and it just pisses me off so fucking much! I like that actress because gay. I don’t like that one because gay. I like the books I do because gay.
Honestly, I can see why people stay in the closet. Once you’re out, being gay is all you are to people. I’m the ‘token lesbian’ to a lot of my friends. How do I know that? That’s how they introduce me. The emo lesbian. I don’t introduce my friends as ‘the nerdy cis-boy’ or ‘the geeky straight chick’. That’s wrong. I just call them nerdy and geeky. Their gender and sexuality doesn’t affect who they are to me.
I can’t change being gay. It’s not like I woke up one day and said to myself “oh, you know what would be super swell, Sarcastic Autist? If you decided to be gay”. It was like a slow awakening. A very slow and painful awareness and acknowledgment that hey, chicks are pretty awesome and boys are just not that attractive to me. Do not like danglers. I do not find them pleasing in the least.
It’s worse than the autism because I can learn how to treat the symptoms of autism and to connect the dots and yeah, it’ll take me a bit longer and shit for some things and other things are just out of the question. It happens. I can (sometimes, and it can cause a seizure) stop the stimming/spazzing. I can use services and get help for things I’m not so good at and come across as semi-normal. There may be a point in the future where I don’t meet the qualifying symptoms for being on the spectrum because I learned to assimilate into mainstream culture.
All that aside, back onto the main point. I just spoke to Kuma-chan and she said that I’m probably feeling this way because of the people I’m surrounded by. That makes sense. I live in a rather conservative small town.
Oh well. I think I’m going to play video games and go to bed.
-The Sarcastic Autist