Sleep & Nightmares

Hello, my people of the internet!  Third day posting in a row!  Yay!  Go me!  I had an appointment with Styx, the psychiatrist, today.  Nothing new to report.  I don’t like to change my medications.  She did mention that I could increase my hydroxyzine dosage to 100mg at night for sleep.  I’d prefer not to because that’s a lot of drugs.  Besides, my issue is a circadian rhythm disorder and nightmares.  Lots and lots of nightmares.

Seriously, I got like, 3 or 3.5 hours of sleep last night and then I got another 3 hours or so this afternoon.  I know there’s a couple of medications that help with nightmares, like Prazosin or Clonidine, but those are beta blockers, blood pressure medications.  And taking blood pressure medications when you have an eating disorder is just a recipe for disaster.  Trust me, I’ve been down that road.

The increased frequency of nightmares (differing from bad dreams because bad dreams don’t have me waking up in a cold sweat at night) could be caused by a whole lot of reasons.  I’m starting a new part of my life.  I’m trying to come to terms and accept myself as I am.  I’m trying not to run and hide from my past and to treat my problems instead of ignoring them.  It’s also getting closer to that time of year again where I had that miscarriage 10 years ago.  Damn, I feel old.  I don’t talk about it much, mostly in passing.

Anyway, a whole myriad of contributing factors and possible reasons as to why I’m having more nightmares and I’m thinking about opening it up for discussion with Charon next week because I have this huge dark circles under my eyes and I look like a drug addict.  I mean, I am a drug addict, but I’m not a practicing drug addict and the look doesn’t really suit me.

I feel like I’ve come to a very vulnerable spot in my therapy as well.  I know that there’s this huge step that I need to take if I want to get better and I’m absolutely fucking terrified because that step is actually talking about shit instead of playing games and avoiding the issues.  This is the same step that I’ve taken countless times with other people and have had them turn around and use what I’ve said against me, to hurt me and call me a liar and to just tear me down to shreds.  It leaves me a broken mess inside.

Part of the reason I think it took me so long to open up to Charon, even after I decided that I liked her, is because I had literally just gotten fucked over by Exacerbating Ex.  Exacerbating Ex was the last person I had truly opened up to and felt I could trust with my stories and secrets and she used it to stab me in the back and hurt me where my deepest insecurities and shame were.

I’d like to take a quick moment to point out that Kuma-chan is my bestest best friend and I know she would never do something like that and neither would Mama Bear or Cthulu Bait.  However, I still don’t talk to them about everything because my life is one steaming pile of hot shit and they have enough to deal with in their lives.  They also aren’t trained professionals and I pushed Kuma-chan away once with the too-much-sharing thing I tend to do so I’m trying to be really careful this time around.  If something is really bothering me, like the gay thing, I’ll talk about it, but I won’t talk about a lot of the abuse stuff.  I don’t feel like I’m ready to yet.

But back to the nightmares.

I’m really good at waking myself up from nightmares.  I kill myself in my dreams and that tends to wake me up.  It’s also terrifying because I know I’m dreaming and that’s the only method that has worked time and time again for getting me to wake up and stay up.  Otherwise it’s just a foggy slip back into dream-land where I’m getting tortured or murdered or chased by zombies or some shit.

A recurring theme in my dreams lately has been the Rewind and Retry.  It’s where I think I’ve escaped the nightmare but I’ve only restarted it.  I’ll have learned from the first go of it and will try something new, but the dream will then adapt to making it worse.  Like I had a nightmare about zombies killing people and I died and started over and went a different route to save people.  I did save them, but I killed myself in the process.

There’s also the dreams where I got coerced into going into Exacerbating Ex’s apartment to get my stuff and she calls the cops on me and her neighbors chase me around threatening me because they think that what she told them is the truth and she just laughs.  Or the dreams where I’m stuck living at my aunt and uncle’s again.  Or the ones with Bitchface trying to kill me.  Or the ones with Exacerbating Ex and Bitchface both after me.  The ones involving that one dick and his friends.

What I think is hilarious, not in the funny haha way but more in the ironic way, is that if I scream in a dream, I know it’s a dream.  Immediately I know.  Because I don’t scream in real life.  I’m loud. I’ll shout.  I’ll holler and I’ll yell.  I won’t scream.  I’m not a screamer.

It’s something that I like about my dreams.  I’ll fight in my dreams.  I’ll do my damnest to survive and to beat off the back guys and stuff.  In real life, I freeze.  I do what I’m told because I’m afraid of getting hurt more than I’d otherwise get hurt.  It’s why it’s been so easy to get me to do stuff for people, sexual and nonsexual.  I’ll sweep the floor, please don’t hit me.  I’ll vacuum.  I’ll give you a blowjob or a hand job or whatever.  Please don’t hurt me.

There’s more I could go on about with this, but I want to go to bed.  I’m tired.

Having nightmares all the time sucks.

-The Sarcastic Autist.

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17 thoughts on “Sleep & Nightmares

  1. http://abuse.wikia.com/wiki/Posttraumatic_stress_disorder#Medications_by_symptom_group_affected

    In the table the point of interest for you is sleep disturbance and nightmares. There is a list of meds known to effectively address it and they all come from different med classes. If you are interested in finding a med to help you with this, then do the research. Some of these meds sound scary and I don’t blame you if you were to say “fuck that” and choose not to take anything.

    I will caution you to stay away from Topamax (Toparimate). While it is an anti-seizure med and it has helped me with my night terrors, it has caused a tremendous amount of weight loss that I’m now struggling to slow down. Prior to this med I was on Abilify that causes a horrendous amount of weight gain otherwise I think I would be in serious trouble right now. Topamax seems to kill appetite as well as speed up the metabolism or something. I think the only thing that is saving me is the fact I studied nutrition back in college. But I’m not eating healthy to do it. However, with no appetite what choice do I have but to aim for the high fat, high calorie foods and pray that it’s enough? Honestly I have been horribly lazy in this department. I know what needs to be done and how to do it, but I truly cannot force myself to eat when I honestly don’t feel hungry. Hell I’m not even drinking the amount of coffee that I used to.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow, thanks for the link! I’m going to research those. I was told by previous doctors that the only meds that help with nightmares and PTSD stuff is Prazosin so this changes the game. I’ve been on a few of those before and I’m never going to take any benzos again if I have any say in it but I love doing research on stuff (because I am a nerd) so I’m definitely going to be looking at these.
      I’m sorry to hear that you are having problems with nutrition stuff. That’s always a hard thing to manage, even with proper knowledge of CICO and micros/macros. -hugs-

      Liked by 1 person

      • I found this chart to be super informative. I was shocked to find Topamax on there. I was originally prescribed it for migraine prevention because I am also Bipolar and my regular doctor said if I needed it for mood stability the med clinic would have to increase the dose from there. But she at least got me started on it. Within the first month everyone around me, myself included, noticed a dramatic improvement. I only asked for a dose increase to give me a little bit of a leeway in case I missed a dose so I wouldn’t end up with an instant migraine. They tried to increase it again after that but the brain fog was so bad I had to go back down. So I’m on one med for three disorders. I feel truly blessed in that regard. At some point I will need to just sit down and put together a proper diet for myself.

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      • That’s awesome. It’s less expensive than a half dozen meds and probably easier to remember to take just one. Viibryd is the only antidepressant that’s worked for my depression issues and now I’m at max dose so I’m afraid it will stop working one day and I’ll be back to ill-working meds. But yes, it’s always great to find the right medication for you. ^_^ Sitting down and planning proper diets is hard. Kuma-chan and I will sometimes do meal planning together. That’s even harder.

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      • I actually enjoy meal planning but then again I used to work in the kitchens of nursing homes. What I find hard is actually following them and EATING the food I planned now. The best I had ever felt though was when I was pregnant with Little Bear and planned a diabetic diet for that because I was diabetic during the pregnancy. I ended up with something like the Hobbit diet actually by accident. I may go back to that. Just lots of little meals through out the day so it’s not overwhelming.

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      • It’s a 7 meal plan just like what the Hobbits had in Lord of the Rings. How do you build it for you? My advice: space it out according to your total hours of waking days. So for me I average about 16 hours awake per day. That means on the Hobbit Diet I should be eating something every 2 hours. Now I take the total calorie goal for the day – which right now I have no idea what that is for me but I know that the national average is the stupid number 2k and you divide that evenly between the 7 meals. So for a 2k per day goal on this diet you’re aiming for roughly 286 calories per meal each day. But we’re not done yet are we? We haven’t decided where those calories are going to come from. If you are trying to lose weight I recommend taking on the diabetic diet that aims to keep blood sugars even to prevent the body from storing the calories you’re eating so you’ll burn them instead. Just about anyone can go this route and feel healthier because you’re not spiking and crashing anymore. Remember 1 tsp. sugar = 4 grams = 16 calories. So watch that total carbohydrate slot on the label of your foods when meal planning. What you want to do here is plan to have the same amount of carbohydrate at each meal to keep you blood sugar even throughout the day. This does a couple of things. It helps keeps your metabolism burning, helps keep your mood stable, helps keep you energized, and it prevents the crash from carb loading because you didn’t load up. The last time I did this diet I was pregnant and diabetic from that so I had the glucometer. I was testing my blood sugar regularly and found that for me I couldn’t eat more than 30 calories in one of these meals in carbs without spiking my sugar so I had to plan accordingly. The rest of my calories had to be from protein or fat. Since I was pregnant I chose to focus on the protein for building the baby. Depending on your current health your priorities may need to be different, but most people don’t need to focus on fats. Keep in mind that protein doesn’t all come from meat – which I know you as a vegan know this, but other readers might not. Dang, I don’t know maybe at some point I need to make this a separate post?

        http://www.oakmonster.com/2014/04/30/hobbit-diet-journey-begins/

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      • Wow, yeah, I do think you should make it its own post because there is a lot more, I feel, that you could probably go deeper into. I like the idea of keeping my sugar from crashing. But yeah, that’s super informative and I’m going to be saving that to my computer (and printing it out) for future reference. I know a lot of people who would enjoy this diet.

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      • I’ll eventually get to it because I’m thinking that I’ve gotten the sugar count wrong with what I did while I was pregnant in the comment here. I know I did. I don’t think I kept the diet plan anywhere and if I did, it’s buried in a box somewhere now thanks to the move. I do remember though that one of my snacks involved a cup of coffee made a specific way and I ate 3 of those snack sized Hershey bars with it and it wouldn’t spike my sugar so I would need to see down and refigure up the carb count for that (after I remember how the coffee was made exactly) to accurately tell you. I just remember that my mood was pretty even during that time too and I didn’t know I was Bipolar back then so I wasn’t medicated for it. I wonder how well I would do now would both the meds and the diet.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I think you’ll do marvelously because you are awesome and amazing fun sauce. I believe in you. In my (currently weird) diet, I’m low gluten which sort of translates into low carb since I won’t spend money on special pasta if I don’t think I’ll like it.
        Honestly, dietary changes are really hard. I’m a non-practicing addict and stopping drugs was easier than this diet stuff. Because it’s a lot easier to buy a bar of chocolate than to buy drugs. But that’s just me.
        I think it’d be a fun experiment to try to do both meds and the diet. Let me know.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Go you woot woot. I’m also lots nightmares from ptsd. The last week or 2 me has not sleep more than 2 hours at a time. Me hopes you find something helps. You are a former or recovering drug addict which means you are a super strong person. Me am proud of you, addicted is a brain sickness that is really hard to work so yay you. It is a super scary step to open up like that and trust her. But me thinks if it will helps then you can do it.

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