Hello, my people of the internet! Third day posting in a row! Yay! Go me! I had an appointment with Styx, the psychiatrist, today. Nothing new to report. I don’t like to change my medications. She did mention that I could increase my hydroxyzine dosage to 100mg at night for sleep. I’d prefer not to because that’s a lot of drugs. Besides, my issue is a circadian rhythm disorder and nightmares. Lots and lots of nightmares.
Seriously, I got like, 3 or 3.5 hours of sleep last night and then I got another 3 hours or so this afternoon. I know there’s a couple of medications that help with nightmares, like Prazosin or Clonidine, but those are beta blockers, blood pressure medications. And taking blood pressure medications when you have an eating disorder is just a recipe for disaster. Trust me, I’ve been down that road.
The increased frequency of nightmares (differing from bad dreams because bad dreams don’t have me waking up in a cold sweat at night) could be caused by a whole lot of reasons. I’m starting a new part of my life. I’m trying to come to terms and accept myself as I am. I’m trying not to run and hide from my past and to treat my problems instead of ignoring them. It’s also getting closer to that time of year again where I had that miscarriage 10 years ago. Damn, I feel old. I don’t talk about it much, mostly in passing.
Anyway, a whole myriad of contributing factors and possible reasons as to why I’m having more nightmares and I’m thinking about opening it up for discussion with Charon next week because I have this huge dark circles under my eyes and I look like a drug addict. I mean, I am a drug addict, but I’m not a practicing drug addict and the look doesn’t really suit me.
I feel like I’ve come to a very vulnerable spot in my therapy as well. I know that there’s this huge step that I need to take if I want to get better and I’m absolutely fucking terrified because that step is actually talking about shit instead of playing games and avoiding the issues. This is the same step that I’ve taken countless times with other people and have had them turn around and use what I’ve said against me, to hurt me and call me a liar and to just tear me down to shreds. It leaves me a broken mess inside.
Part of the reason I think it took me so long to open up to Charon, even after I decided that I liked her, is because I had literally just gotten fucked over by Exacerbating Ex. Exacerbating Ex was the last person I had truly opened up to and felt I could trust with my stories and secrets and she used it to stab me in the back and hurt me where my deepest insecurities and shame were.
I’d like to take a quick moment to point out that Kuma-chan is my bestest best friend and I know she would never do something like that and neither would Mama Bear or Cthulu Bait. However, I still don’t talk to them about everything because my life is one steaming pile of hot shit and they have enough to deal with in their lives. They also aren’t trained professionals and I pushed Kuma-chan away once with the too-much-sharing thing I tend to do so I’m trying to be really careful this time around. If something is really bothering me, like the gay thing, I’ll talk about it, but I won’t talk about a lot of the abuse stuff. I don’t feel like I’m ready to yet.
But back to the nightmares.
I’m really good at waking myself up from nightmares. I kill myself in my dreams and that tends to wake me up. It’s also terrifying because I know I’m dreaming and that’s the only method that has worked time and time again for getting me to wake up and stay up. Otherwise it’s just a foggy slip back into dream-land where I’m getting tortured or murdered or chased by zombies or some shit.
A recurring theme in my dreams lately has been the Rewind and Retry. It’s where I think I’ve escaped the nightmare but I’ve only restarted it. I’ll have learned from the first go of it and will try something new, but the dream will then adapt to making it worse. Like I had a nightmare about zombies killing people and I died and started over and went a different route to save people. I did save them, but I killed myself in the process.
There’s also the dreams where I got coerced into going into Exacerbating Ex’s apartment to get my stuff and she calls the cops on me and her neighbors chase me around threatening me because they think that what she told them is the truth and she just laughs. Or the dreams where I’m stuck living at my aunt and uncle’s again. Or the ones with Bitchface trying to kill me. Or the ones with Exacerbating Ex and Bitchface both after me. The ones involving that one dick and his friends.
What I think is hilarious, not in the funny haha way but more in the ironic way, is that if I scream in a dream, I know it’s a dream. Immediately I know. Because I don’t scream in real life. I’m loud. I’ll shout. I’ll holler and I’ll yell. I won’t scream. I’m not a screamer.
It’s something that I like about my dreams. I’ll fight in my dreams. I’ll do my damnest to survive and to beat off the back guys and stuff. In real life, I freeze. I do what I’m told because I’m afraid of getting hurt more than I’d otherwise get hurt. It’s why it’s been so easy to get me to do stuff for people, sexual and nonsexual. I’ll sweep the floor, please don’t hit me. I’ll vacuum. I’ll give you a blowjob or a hand job or whatever. Please don’t hurt me.
There’s more I could go on about with this, but I want to go to bed. I’m tired.
Having nightmares all the time sucks.
-The Sarcastic Autist.