Sleep Rant

Greetings hopefully fellow humans!  I went to the store today and then I watched the Gremlins movie with Okaasan and ate pizza.  It was gluten-free vegan taco pizza that tastes like sadness, like the vegan sour cream and weird chewy bars I bought.

I’m sad today.  I don’t know if what I have counts as night terrors because I don’t wake up screaming and I remember my dreams.  I remember almost all my dreams.  Anyway, last night was terrible for sleep.  I am getting sick from not sleeping well.  If I get too little sleep, I throw up a lot and get super anxious and scared of everything and sad a lot.  I’m pretty sure I’m not getting enough sleep.  I’m afraid to sleep.

So I’m sitting here listening to a weird mixture of Glee songs and hard rock, Christian Rock, alt rock, and country.  And Lindsey Stirling.  Okay, it’s just a lot of random music.  Mostly sad songs, but they make me feel better.

I’m not even really paying much attention to this post because I’m listening to music.  Music is a full body experience for me.  Maybe it’s an Autism thing, but in case it’s more of a synesthesia thing, here’s how it goes.

I feel the normal emotional stuff that different music brings.  It also gives me tastes of colours and vibrations and it can be overwhelming for my senses.  If it’s a particularly good song, I have to close my eyes or I get way to amped up.  Because of my super human hearing, I can pick up the different instruments and singers and everything.  It’s pretty cool.  I wish I had an instrument like a cello or violin because I think I’d be a lot better now with therapy stuff and being able to concentrate better.

Anyway, it kind of explains my Adele thing.  She is literally painful and nauseating for me to listen to, and it’s not because she’s good.  At least to me.  Her voice is just so…not the kind that resonates well with me.  There’s a lot of whining.  I don’t listen to a few songs from other artists that I do like for that reason.  I’m holding onto hope that there’s an Adele song that I can tolerate so I can get over this irritation.

I’m avoiding.  This entire post has been one big leap into the Avoidance Abyss, where everything that’s wrong is ignored and inner wounds are left to fester because they are left unattended.

Let’s talk  babies.  I can’t have kids.  I could have had one and I’m pretty sure it would have been a boy.  But I have this thing where I’ve convinced myself that, because of the drugs and alcohol and smoking and plain risky behaviour, I killed it.

That happened.  The events before that happened.  I hate it.  I hate that I let this shit rule my life.  I got shit from way before that that haunts me still too.  I try and run away from it during the day and do the Avoidance Dance until I fall asleep.  Sleep, where the truth knifes me in the gut and doesn’t let me run or hide and where I can’t fucking wake up if I take anything to help me stay put for once.

Sleep, when I’ve had issues resting since I was a wee little babe.  Nightmares are a regular occurance, night after night after night.  I can’t remember the last time I had a dream that didn’t leave me waking up drenched in sweat and breathing heavily, heart pounding deep in my chest, blood rushing everywhere, all sounds amplified because it’s fucking dark.

And if it’s complete darkness, with no light save for the what seeps in through my windows, it gets worse. I will lie there, paralyzed in bed, trying to scrounge up enough courage to flick on the light, to grab my phone or my flashlight and get any brightness going.  I may send up a prayer to whatever god is listening, but the gods only help those who help themselves.

Even now, as it gets later and later, when I know I should be getting ready for bed so I can be up at the ass-crack of dawn for church, I’m making excuses not to sleep.  I’m blasting music and ranting on and on and pretending that my eyes aren’t begging for rest and my stomach isn’t complaining about my piss poor excuse of a diet lately.  So much caffeine and so little effect.

I really just need a restful night’s sleep.

-The Sarcastic Autist


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