I still have that nice rash/hives thing on my arm.  It’s not psoriasis and I don’t think it’s an allergic reaction to anything.  I’ve been putting Benadryl cream on it to keep it from spreading and that works okay.  It doesn’t diminish it but it does make it not get worse.  I ran out of the cream today.  Lotion makes it worse.  Ointment makes it worse.  Hydrocortisone will give me worse hives.  I’m no longer sure what I should do except see the doctor.  It’s frustrating.

I have a problem on my mind.  It’s more of an issue that I have with people who don’t want to take medicine to be ‘normal’.  I was talking to a friend earlier who was complaining about her antidepressant being shit and she doesn’t want to take it and she doesn’t even remember to finish off antibiotics.  I love my friend.  She is very dear to me and I tried to make it clear that I understand that taking medicines is hard.

I have to take a bunch of medications with supplements in addition to prescriptions.  It’s not always easy taking them and I don’t like taking them.  It’s not fun.  Sometimes I wonder if they even do anything for me.  I couldn’t tell my friend that and I was at a loss for what I could tell her.

If I’m being completely honest, I was a little irritated because I take all these pills and I hate it so why the fuck was she complaining about one little pill?  It was hard for me to take on the role of sympathetic ear and empathetic friend.  I was feeling judgemental and I feel bad about that now.  In the future, I’m going to set up boundaries because I don’t think I’m in a place to be able to be an empathetic person on this issue.

I had just messaged her about feelings of hunger.  I don’t really know when I’m hungry and it’s an issue for me right now because I think I’ve gained a couple of pounds.  I feel like I shouldn’t have asked her about it because she struggles with issues of her weight and we’ve discussed my eating disorder stuff and we probably shouldn’t.  I don’t want to negatively influence her or be an ineffective friend.  I don’t want her to feel attacked and I can always blog or ask a different friend about ED stuff.

But back to the pills.

My pills don’t make me happy.  They don’t make me sad.  My antidepressant only gives me the opportunity to feel.  It helps get my brain chemistry to the point where I have the option of doing things, the capability of controlling my emotions to a point where they don’t control me.

To use a metaphor, it would be like if I had to paint a house.  My medication is my paint brush.  I don’t need the paint brush to paint the house, but it would look absolutely horrid and it would be very hard to do.  The paint brush helps me paint the house neatly and in a way that’s easier to manage.  To go further into this metaphor, therapy is like the instructional video on various ways I could paint my house, colours and methods and all that.  My house is my environment and how I interact with the world and my paint brush is my medications and the How To video is therapy.  Does that make sense?  It does to me.

I don’t want to sound like a bad friend.  Taking medications is hard.  And it’s harder when you are depressed and don’t know what it’s like to not be depressed.  I was like that not too long ago.

Maybe my issue on this is less that my friend is complaining about medications and being normal and more that I hate that I have to take medications to have the opportunity to have feelings and no matter how many different medications I take, I will never pass as ‘normal’ because Autism and Gay.  Mostly Autism in this case.

There’s a lot of dissonance with me on this issue and I think I should talk to Charon about it.

Thank you for your time.

-The Sarcastic Autist


7 thoughts on “Pills

  1. I felt the way your friend does about meds until I found the right med for me. Now the only time I think “I don’t need this med” and I’m slightly tempted not to take it is when I get really high up on the scale of hypomania – which is rare now and only if I’m not taking care of myself in other areas of my life – but I stay on the med because it prevents the migraines too. But this kind of thinking is part of my illness and common for Bipolar. I know that and I watch for that. Last time I got like that I told my sister, who is a psych nurse, so she could watch me for signs of dropping my meds just in case I went too far into my illness.

    Maybe it is a case of it really not being the right med for your friend and that a med change is needed? It really is hard to take a med – even if it is just one pill – if it’s not working, or God forbid making you feel worse. And I’ve had that happen to me with some of these meds before too. I really wish it was a case of being given that pill and now you have that paint brush in your hand and you can start painting your house. Sometimes, in my experience though, they give you that pill and you find instead you have this big old rock in your hand and you just can’t paint your house. When you find yourself with a pill that does that, it’s time to get a different pill.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m not bipolar but I did have lots of issues with taking my medications until I got on this one and then we upped the dose. Other meds would make me worse or do nothing or make me ever so slightly better that it was barely noticeable. I’ve also been over drugged with ADHD meds and anti-anxiety pills and sleep meds and pills to counteract the pills and pills to fix those ones and I was on about a dozen psychiatric meds at one point and I said fuck it and stopped them all. I like that my current psychiatrist won’t prescribe me too many meds and says that my antianxiety can double as a sleep med if needed.
      I’ve told my friend that she should see about changing her meds and I know I could be more patient because I’ve been there. I know what she’s going through and I’m struggling to be compassionate because I’m giving her solutions and she doesn’t want to do them. And I’ve been in that place of not wanting other people telling me what to do. I think a problem with her is that she doesn’t have the same core issue (autism) that I do, so she doesn’t think that my advice on the matter applies to her that much. Her issue is depression and anxiety that feed off of each other. I think I will point her to this post and to your comment and let her know that she isn’t alone and it sucks that she isn’t where she wants to be and we’ve all been at that sucky place. Think she’ll feel better then?


      • I have no idea if it would help her feel better but it is a common fact that the process of finding the right med for any diagnosis can be a nightmare. Believe it or not even diabetes isn’t straightforward. My dad has had to change up his meds and insulin a few times before things were right for him. I was surprised to find out how complicated medication for diabetes is – especially if you have other conditions you need meds for. But that aside, any time you need a psych med (a med for your brain) it’s usually a nightmare hell process finding the right one. Period.

        Liked by 1 person

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