I still have that nice rash/hives thing on my arm. It’s not psoriasis and I don’t think it’s an allergic reaction to anything. I’ve been putting Benadryl cream on it to keep it from spreading and that works okay. It doesn’t diminish it but it does make it not get worse. I ran out of the cream today. Lotion makes it worse. Ointment makes it worse. Hydrocortisone will give me worse hives. I’m no longer sure what I should do except see the doctor. It’s frustrating.
I have a problem on my mind. It’s more of an issue that I have with people who don’t want to take medicine to be ‘normal’. I was talking to a friend earlier who was complaining about her antidepressant being shit and she doesn’t want to take it and she doesn’t even remember to finish off antibiotics. I love my friend. She is very dear to me and I tried to make it clear that I understand that taking medicines is hard.
I have to take a bunch of medications with supplements in addition to prescriptions. It’s not always easy taking them and I don’t like taking them. It’s not fun. Sometimes I wonder if they even do anything for me. I couldn’t tell my friend that and I was at a loss for what I could tell her.
If I’m being completely honest, I was a little irritated because I take all these pills and I hate it so why the fuck was she complaining about one little pill? It was hard for me to take on the role of sympathetic ear and empathetic friend. I was feeling judgemental and I feel bad about that now. In the future, I’m going to set up boundaries because I don’t think I’m in a place to be able to be an empathetic person on this issue.
I had just messaged her about feelings of hunger. I don’t really know when I’m hungry and it’s an issue for me right now because I think I’ve gained a couple of pounds. I feel like I shouldn’t have asked her about it because she struggles with issues of her weight and we’ve discussed my eating disorder stuff and we probably shouldn’t. I don’t want to negatively influence her or be an ineffective friend. I don’t want her to feel attacked and I can always blog or ask a different friend about ED stuff.
But back to the pills.
My pills don’t make me happy. They don’t make me sad. My antidepressant only gives me the opportunity to feel. It helps get my brain chemistry to the point where I have the option of doing things, the capability of controlling my emotions to a point where they don’t control me.
To use a metaphor, it would be like if I had to paint a house. My medication is my paint brush. I don’t need the paint brush to paint the house, but it would look absolutely horrid and it would be very hard to do. The paint brush helps me paint the house neatly and in a way that’s easier to manage. To go further into this metaphor, therapy is like the instructional video on various ways I could paint my house, colours and methods and all that. My house is my environment and how I interact with the world and my paint brush is my medications and the How To video is therapy. Does that make sense? It does to me.
I don’t want to sound like a bad friend. Taking medications is hard. And it’s harder when you are depressed and don’t know what it’s like to not be depressed. I was like that not too long ago.
Maybe my issue on this is less that my friend is complaining about medications and being normal and more that I hate that I have to take medications to have the opportunity to have feelings and no matter how many different medications I take, I will never pass as ‘normal’ because Autism and Gay. Mostly Autism in this case.
There’s a lot of dissonance with me on this issue and I think I should talk to Charon about it.
Thank you for your time.
-The Sarcastic Autist