Oh my goodness, so many books, so little time! I saw Charon today and tried explaining to her about my current TVP and the books I’m using for it and she said that I’m reading self-improvement books so maybe I’m doing self-improvement. Except that’s not how it feels to me. I’m not really doing self-improvement stuff with it.
I am doing a lot of thinking and defining about what things mean to me. I see it more as a spiritual thing than a self-improvement. I’m setting standards for myself and saying that this is what I think my values should be and these are my goals in life and these are the basic standards of how I should treat myself and others.
This may come as a surprise to a few of you, but I’m not a Christian. I do not consider myself a Christian and I do not worship the Christian god. It’s not that I don’t believe in him. I believe in the existence of all gods. I just don’t worship a vast majority of them. I don’t even worship my chosen patron gods any more. I’m more focused on being a decent person. I go to church because I see it as a spiritual connection place and I go to bible study because I like learning different views on stuff and getting morals. Heck, I even participate in church events because I think they’re fun.
I’m not a member of any church and I consider myself non-denominational pagan. I’ve studied many religions and many sub-sects of those religions. I’ve meditated and pondered and thought and prayed and this is the conclusion that I’ve come to. That I can take little bits from all the beliefs I’ve studied and try to live by the standards of being ‘good’, but I won’t limit myself or bog myself down by the hate and hypocrisy I see in every religion. I guess one could technically call me agnostic, but I’m not agnostic. I’m not an atheist either.
So I’m trying to uncomplicated myself and have a set of rules and standards for me to live by. It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a while, defining and having a written thing for me to consult that’s individualized for my needs.
But my TVP isn’t quite that either. It’s more like a really fun research paper on stuff right now.
On another note entirely, Charon brought up starting exposure therapy. I have no idea what to do for that. The thing I’m most afraid of is the dark. I get absolutely petrified of the dark. I carry a flashlight (separate from my phone’s flashlight) with me at all times. I sleep with the bathroom light on so I can use it as a nightlight.
I don’t know why I’m afraid of the dark. I wasn’t always so afraid. It’s something to think about.
I don’t have any idea how to do ‘exposure therapy’ with the dark though. I’m not going into a closet, that’s for sure. I came out years ago and I refuse to go back in. (That was a joke, kinda. I’m not going into any closets. I’m claustrophobic.)
-The Sarcastic Autist