I had a headache yesterday and felt sick to my stomach. I’m around 90% sure it’s because of nightmares and because I’m messing around with my sleep schedule a bit.
I have nightmares a lot. Some nights they are worse than others. I often find myself waking up in a panic, my heart racing and my body soaked with sweat. Neko-chan will meow at me if I’m having a particularly bad one until I wake up. She doesn’t always. I notice it’s more when my breathing gets hitched that she does.
The reason I bring this up is because this string of nightmares is starting to end and a new set is beginning. Although, I wouldn’t really call it a new set. The next cycle would be a better term.
My dreams tend to go in cycles. The beginning of the school year and around the holidays, it gets very family oriented. During the month of November, it gets to be about that jack-off and his friends. Random zombies thrown in just to fuck with me. I’m on the cycle of having nightmares about my abusive exes. (Yes, that is plural. Holy shit, why have I never had a decent, healthy romantic relationship.)
A recurring theme for this cycle is them taunting me, telling me that they are going to tell everyone that I’m a liar and a fraud. That no one will believe that they’re the bad guys because they’ll tell everyone I am. And no one will believe me that I’m the victim because I can’t communicate properly and I’m just a spaz and a freak and no one will ever love me because I’m fat and lazy and stupid. Because I stutter real bad when I’m overly emotional or anxious. Because I cry when my feelings get hurt or when I’m really confused. Because I sometimes wish I was a boy. (I realize now that I’m nonbinary genderfluid, so that doesn’t bother me as much as it used to, although it still does sometimes.)
I’m scared I’ll lose the few friends I have right now because of their bullshit. I haven’t heard from any of them for a while, but the fear is with me that they are there, watching me. They know where I live. I haven’t changed my phone number in years (and I sort of feel like I should now).
I’m afraid of getting into a relationship and finding out that I’m just as worthless as my exes have said. I’m afraid of finding out that I bring nothing to the table except wants and needs that no one can fill because I’m defective.
I often feel like I’m defective, you know. Not only because Autism and all that. But because I feel tainted, like there’s a part of me that will never get clean and I don’t want to risk contaminating others. And I don’t want to be a burden.
My parents, when I was younger, would fight a lot. They always dragged my brother and I into it. Often, they would say that my behaviour was the reason they were fighting and if I could just stop being bad… That if I helped out or behaved or stopped being such a ‘burden’…
My aunt and uncle, when we were living with them, had the same sentiment. They would only bring up money that my mum owed if I was misbehaving. Never mind that I was often reacting to my environment because living with them sucked donkey balls
I guess I’m just in a mood right now. I’m tired. You guys have a good one.
-The Sarcastic Autist