A Series of Small Things

I am between being extremely anxious about the scale being up, extremely concerned about the pelvic pain and swelling, and attempting to be Zen about it.  I’m sure it’s just Shark Week stuff.  I’m considering getting a full hysterectomy because I am so fucking sick of my female organs causing shit.  It’s annoying and nerve wracking and I hate it so very much.

I bought soynut butter yesterday.  Did I tell you all that?  I did and I had a sammich with it and it tasted okay.  But now I’m all excited because there’s so many recipes I can do now.  I’m also getting my new chest binder in the mail tomorrow and I’m excited to break that in.

Can we talk dating for a minute?  Because we’re going to.  I don’t have a whole lot of experience with dating.  I’ve had 1 long term relationship (around 3 years), and most of the others were less than a year. Only 2 lasted more than 6 months.

That said, I don’t know what I would bring into a relationship.  I’m not even 100% sure what romantic relationships involve, besides lots of touching.  What I would want is someone to cuddle with sometimes and watch movies with and hang out with.  Maybe do the sex thing but that’s not a requirement.  But when I think of things I can bring to the table, as it were, I come up blank.  I like to make people happy and that’s all I got.

When I consider the relationship dynamics I’ve had in the past, I’ve been rather submissive.  Taking BDSM out of the equation, that meant that I listened and smiled and did whatever I was told.  It was pretty nifty.  I’m not good at making decisions or remembering little things.  While I am rather independent and (higher) functioning on the Spectrum, I can’t live independently and I need a lot of outside support.  My dad was similar to that and he was an awful awful man.  I don’t want to make any partner of mine be my caretaker.  That wouldn’t be fair.

I’ve been told that I’d be a lovely significant other because I’m caring and compassionate and kind and all that.  I like to surprise people with random gifts of affection, like stuffies or little knick knacks.  You know, stuff to show I care.  And that when I give out hugs, on those rare occasions, I apparently give good hugs.

Meh, I guess it doesn’t really matter.  I live in a small town and I don’t drive and can’t really eat out a lot because of my many allergies.  Although a library date sounds wonderful.  Or a book store!  Or a history museum or something.  Those sound marvelous.  Maybe that’s what I can put on my to-do list.  Have a date at the museum this summer.

In any case, I also wanted to bring up my ankle.  I finally saw the physical therapist yesterday and she said that my ankle is weak as fuck.  However, she also said that I should be able to go back to yoga in a couple of weeks if I do all the exercises and be careful not to hurt myself again.

My grandma was in the hospital because of the flu.  She’ll be fine.  I’m sort of irritated because she had been sick since Christmas and just yesterday went in.

I’ve also been fighting a series of headaches.  They aren’t the debilitating migraines, but they are annoying in that I can’t read or write very well because my attention is shot.

And I made homemade taquitos today!  Yay me!  I didn’t burn the kitchen down either!  yay!

Anyway, I’m going to go log off because my head hurts a bit and I’m way too distracted to really talk about anything important.

-The Sarcastic Autist


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