Damn it

I didn’t always use to be this cynical.  I used to be very open minded and willing to try anything and open to all points of view.  Then I was with Exacerbating Ex and my time with her really fucked with me.  No matter what my opinion of something was, it was wrong.  My feelings were wrong.  The facts I had were wrong.  My clothes were wrong.  My make up.  The way I talked about things.  My upbringing.  Everything was wrong.

So naturally, by the time I started seeing Charon, I was practically a fat-shaming, feminist hating, “not all males”, “there is no such things as white privilege” ass hat.  I’ve changed.  I don’t think I’m much on the fat shaming anymore unless it’s directed at me.  I realize that there are feminists who go to the extremes, but most really do want equal rights for all.  It’s still true that it’s “not all males”, but that doesn’t lessen my fear when a guy starts talking to me.  I’m not sure about the white privilege thing, but I do recognize privilege exists now.

I got into a fight with Okaasan again yesterday.  This time it was because I was expressing my fears and concerns about Trump’s cabinet members and how I’m afraid that the normalizing of hate will put me in danger.  His people are rather anti-GLBT.  And that scares me.

She started in on me about how it was unfair of me to judge him so soon and that “my people” are looking for trouble.  She even used the term “you guys”.  It was hurtful.  I went into my room and cried a bit and went back out to explain to her that, as a gay chick, every time I leave the house, I need to be on my guard.

We live in a small conservative town.  I go to a church that, while not outright against gays, doesn’t really look fondly on them either.  I’ve been told that I’m sinful and an abomination and that I should go kill myself because I’m gay.  I’ve been told that being gay is a mental illness and that electric shock therapy might help.  My own dad called me a dyke and a disgrace to the family.  I’m constantly told by guys that I’m only gay because I haven’t found the right man yet, that I have had bad experiences with men so that’s why I’m gay.  Fuck, I’ve had Exacerbating Ex try to tell me that I’m gay because I’ve been raped and sexually assaulted.  I’ve had my godmother tell me that and so many others.

This is shit I have to deal with now.  This is my life.  And she doesn’t get it.  She doesn’t get that she has the privilege of not being accosted for her sexual orientation.  It’s fucking ridiculous.  I hadn’t realized that privilege was a thing until I was talking to her.  I also hadn’t realized she lacked real empathy towards me, but that’s another topic for another day.  The point is, she constantly invalidates me.

It just hurts.  I thought that, since she always said that the GLBT community should have equal rights and she’s had gay friends that she knew what it was like and that she was an ally.  I’m starting to feel more like I’m an accessory.  And the fact that she almost always talks about stuff regarding me in the past tense.  It makes me feel like she’s mourning the daughter she wishes she had, rather than celebrating the wonderful person I turned out to be.

And I hate talking about it because I feel like I’m over-reacting.  That my feelings are invalid because that’s what I was conditioned to feel and to think.  That my perception of reality is false because someone else said so.

And that’s unfair.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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