Words and Books

Hello!  I’m sorry I didn’t post yesterday.  I was sleeping.  I crashed shortly after I got home from seeing Charon and, with a few mini wake ups to take my meds and pee, I slept until around 11:00 am this morning.  I feel sort of bad because my blogging has fallen to the wayside a  bit.   It’s not that I don’t love you guys.  I’ve gotten so wrapped up in my TVP thing that pretty much everything has gone to the wayside.  So many books, so many movies, TED talks, documentaries, religious texts, you get the drift.  On top of which, I’m going to be starting Exposure Therapy in the next couple of weeks. I just ordered the book Charon wanted me to get for it.

Now, when it comes to books, I can always tell a person’s personality by the type of books they read and recommend.  I’d probably be a great librarian from that.  I can tell a writer’s emotions and state of mind by their writing style, and, should they have multiple books out, I can tell you the evolution of it.  Why?  I don’t know.  I just know.  I’ve been practically consuming books since I was a wee tyke.  I have a keen eye/mind for this sort of thing.

That being said, the best way for me to learn is by reading and watching by example.  Listening is hard for me.  Maybe that has something to do with my superhuman hearing or maybe it has to do with how hard it is for me to keep track of a conversation.  Regardless, I’m real grateful that my current therapist is also a bibliophile.  (That’s a person who loves books, not a weird fetish or perverted thing.)

I personally believe that, if DBT hadn’t had any books corresponding directly to the program, I would have sucked at it.  I would have had a hard time trying to do any of the practices or coping skills.  Written down things and worksheets and formulaic strategies have been the changing forces in my life.

So yeah, when Charon said that I needed to get this workbook, I was iffy on whether I wanted to purchase a copy or let her copy one out to give to me.  My thinking being that I wasn’t sure I wanted to waste money on a workbook that I may or may not like or find useful.  I did tell her that I would let her know next Monday how I want to proceed.

Well, I ordered the book sometime last night.  I used the remaining balance of my Amazon Gift Card and only had to pay around 7/8 dollars out of pocket.  It’s a fucking expensive book.  (Around $23 for a brand new copy!  Thing only has 88 pages.)  I figure I can always make copies of the pages so I can have extras laying around in case I mess up or I want to go back and redo it all.

I hope it comes soon.  I like doing a complete read through of worksheets and workbooks before I start them.  I also just like getting new books.  I’ve got a lot that I’m currently working on reading.  I want a kindle now, or some other E-reader that I can use.  It would help keep my space clear.

Charon called me brave yesterday.  For going in and talking, I guess.  I don’t see that as bravery.  Bravery is when I go in and talk about the stuff I don’t want to talk about the nitty gritty I-hate-my-life stuff.  The stuff that makes me afraid.

If there’s one thing that is a recurring theme amongst the books that I’m reading and everything that I’ve been watching and listening to, is that speaking is the easiest way to communicate and it’s the hardest thing for me to do.  “Tell the other person your boundaries.”  “Say how you feel.”  “Use your words.”

What do I do when the words fail me?  When I am so wrapped up in the darkness and shame that I’m frozen, fight or flight having left the building?  When I was in middle school, my pre-algebra teacher recommended that I read Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson.  She even lent me her copy.  I used to be very quiet.  Well, I would almost say shy and quiet.

I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m an introvert.  However, I still force myself to be outgoing.  I get pent up with nervous energy and a waterfall explosion of nonsense bursts from my lips.  That book taught me that it’s better to say weird things and to talk about random nothing than to be quiet.  Because people are always on the lookout for the weird quiet ones.

Okay, I got distracted so I’m going to end this here for right now.  I’ll be back tomorrow.

-The Sarcastic Autist


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